Fashion Refigured: Oh, the tribulations of being shallow and obsessed with one's appearance. Apparently, women with breast implants have a hard time finding clothes that fit properly. Apparently, it's a regular fucking Sophie's Choice deciding between enhanced boobs or high fashion. Cole Slaw Blog struggles to empathize.
Also, we offer this paragraph as evidence of society's fucked-up expectations for women.
Such is life for shoppers who have faced the double-edge scalpel of plastic surgery, which has allowed hundreds of thousands of American women to have the cleavage they deem ideal, though they no longer fit the svelte silhouette dictated by many fashion houses.
It's bullshit like this that makes Cole Slaw Blog humbly thankful to be male.
What's Up, Pussycat? Whoa!: Leave it to the Stylin' section to report on the hottest trend in pets: Designer kitties! They're semi-wild and illegal!
Before we continue with our snark, we would like to point out what a total piece of shit this headline is. Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, trendy pets.
Apparently, it also takes a special breed to own one of these crosses between an African wildcat and a regular house cat. Namely, one must be a total, empty-headed idiot.
The cats in this story cost somewhere north of $4,000 each. They eat shrimp cocktail and steak frites, and sleep on burberry beds. Cole Slaw Blog recognizes that it's a free country, and we're certainly not about to tell people that they can't spend tens of thousands on dumbass semi-wild animals that make one feel cutting-edge.
Of course, what with it being a free country and all, we're also going to hate on these people all we like.
"If I have to move to New Jersey to keep these cats, I will," said their owner, a 29-year-old hedge fund analyst who equates life in downtown Manhattan with life itself. "That's how much I love them," she said, speaking only on the condition of anonymity.
If I were this much of a dipshit, I wouldn't want to be publicly identified, either. Who are these people?
Crazy 'Bout a Sharp-Dressed Man: More materialism on parade from Alex Kuczynski. This time, our heroine is doing it up at Bergdorf Goodman's men's store, snapping up $1,800 suits for her hubby, throwing around the brand names and mingling with the little people.
She scoffs when a salesperson offers to drop off some $345 shirts after they've been altered, and asks the waiter at the store's cafe if his shirt is Etro. Turns out, the salesman came through on his promise and the waiter's shirt was from the Gap. The lowest price quoted in the article is $250 for white jeans. What? Cole Slaw Blog might wear white jeans if you paid us $250. A
And here I felt like a big man when I hit a $150 exacta at the OTB today.
The Pretty Pit Stop: Borrowing Blush Without Blushing: Some people retouch their makeup with the samples at cosmetics counters. And ... well, that's pretty much all this article is, tales of people who do this. Maybe next week, people who are feeling peckish hit up the free samples at Whole Foods. Thanks, Stephanie Rosenbloom!
I should note that I did shit like this at a department-store cologne counter when I was in eighth grade and a bunch of us were about to meet some girls for a movie at Westgate mall.
Online Trainers Keep Their Distance: Oh, those crazy internets. Is there anything we can't do over the web? Now, there are personal trainers who coach clients over the 'net. But yo, it's probably not as effective, because they're not there and stuff. On the other hand, it's better than no personal trainer.
And there are some personal trainers who disapprove of online trainers altogether.
This story is so obvious, I can't believe Stephanie Rosenbloom didn't write it. That said: Thanks, Elizabeth Weil!
Oy.
Hello, Birdie, Bye-Bye, Net: Calling all racquet-sports enthusiasts! It's a new game, called Speedminton. And the only time it will ever be written about is when a paper is just scraping the bottom of the barrel to fill its pages.
On the plus side, the word shuttlecock is used frequently.
In other stylin' news, H&M is collaborating with Stella McCartney, too much water is bad for you and Stephanie Rosenbloom notes that stores are open.
Is it just us, or is the Stylin' Section starting to wheeze now that they're twice a week? I mean, the section has always been about useless shit, but the past two have felt even more pointless and stupid than usual. Maybe it's just us.
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