Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Tournament of Everything, Round 2: Cleveland Region

At Nullarbor Plain, Australia

1 The Internet vs. 9 Procrastination

It's kind of hard to remember how procrastination worked before the Internet. There was TV and video games, yes, and I suppose there was talking on the phone about whatever dumb shit happened at school that day. I probably did some very nice drawings, too.

Now procrastination is possible because of web sudoku, lame blogs like this one, and google chat. If that's all there was, the internet might cruise to victory. The team has unruly talent. It also has hot-garbage players like MySpace, the Drudge Report, fat-people porn, child predators and Nigerian internet spammers. As soon as MySpace came off the bench and an oil heir asked the ref for his bank account number, the team collapsed.

Go a day without the Internet and you'll be just swell. Go a day without at least five hard-earned bouts of juicy procrastination and you're going to contemplate suicide. Procrastination 78, The Internet 71.

5 Rushmore vs. 13 Caffeine

There are several moments in Rushmore when a person feels struck by how sad, funny and hopeful everything can be all at once. That scene at the birthday party where Bill Murray lights the cigarette, climbs to the top of the diving board and cannonballs in? I did that at work today.

Dirk Callaway singlehandedly reintroduced "handjobs" and "Frenching" into the lexicon. Totally commendable.

I never imagined that the phrase "one dead fingernail" could be so powerful.

Caffeine is not subtle and inspiring like Rushmore. Caffeine is a vicious drug. I drank eight cups of coffee today. This was not unusual. This was a weekday. After pounding cups all morning I'm barely functional by noon. Coffee? Cigarette. Coffee? Cigarette. Want to talk procrastination? Coffee? Cigarette.

Never forget what this fucking drug did to Jesse Spano.

Looks pretty accurate to me. The Mormons got one thing right, the no-fun bastards. Rushmore 85, Caffeine 71.

At Bushwood Country Club, Florida

6 Kari Byron vs. 3 Muppets

I've never heard of Kari Byron and I've never seen her show Mythbusters. (I never would have heard of Mythbusters but for the fact that Flop periodically gets drunk and hollers about it.) It appears to be a show where a couple of dorks in beards run around and lecture people about fake stuff. Meanwhile, Wikipedia has this to say about the lovely Ms. Byron:

Art and sculpting are important aspects of her life, and she has claimed that she creates some form of art every day, stating, "I would go crazy if I didn't." Some of her preferred sculpting materials are polymer clay, various found objects, acrylic gouache, wood and metals.


The Muppets, on the other hand, are a beloved childhood memory. They broke an early and seemingly insurmountable lead, until the lovely Ms. Byron started busting some myths.

"Have you ever thought about how romance between a frog and a pig could actually function?" she said.

"Sure," I said. "It proves that true love can overcome fundamental differences."

"I'm speaking strictly from biological terms," said the lovely Ms. Byron. "It's not possible that a frog could penetrate a pig, for instance. I'm confident that the pig's labia would engulf the frog, suction it up, and likely suffocate it. The dead amphibian would find itself inside the pig, likely infect it, and lead to serious, if not fatal, suffering by the pig."

"You're missing the point," I said. "This is a wonderful children's show with plush puppets. You can't apply some sick biological analysis to Kermit and Miss Piggy."

"My show is called MythBusters," she said, "not the Puppet Validation Hour. Stop being a sentimental pussy and grow up."

Kari Byron 102, The Muppets 101 (2OT).

10 Prague vs. 2 HMQ2K7

Prague: Home to Kafka. Setting of Milan Kundera's The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Title of a mediocre Arthur Phillips novel, which is, in fact, set in Budapest, but all of the characters wished they were in Prague, so the book is titled Prague.

The premise of the following line of dialogue in Noah Baumbach's reassuring Kicking and Screaming: "Oh, I've been to Prague. Well, I haven't been-to-Prague been to Prague, but I know that thing, that, stop shaving your armpits, read The Unbearable Lightness of Being, date a sculptor, now I know how bad American coffee is thing..."

I too have never been-to-Prague been to Prague, but I know that thing, that, everybody comes back and raves about it thing, that great-beer-on-every-corner thing, and I think that I need to get my ass over there.

HMQ2K7: A friend since freshman year, when she yelled at me for saying mean things about the Greek system. A friend of the dumpster. A girl who loves football and basketball. A girl who's a pervert but a prude. How good is she? So good that she was named the Queen of 2006 -- and then beat back the competition to retain her crown.

Unfortunately, she didn't create Kafka and beer doesn't spill out of her. Prague 72, HMQ2K7 71.


Flop said...

Wow. Are we going to use her lack of internal potable beer storage against her when it comes time to crown a queen for 2008?

Flop said...

Also, I love that Kari Byron keeps winning, because it means at least two more pictures of her on the blog. She's hot AND capable. Summer Fucking who?

Sigh ...

Jaime said...

And thank you for not using the scary plastic FHM pictures. Eek.

I could've done with a few more Alton Brown pics, but I'll take what I can get.

CrimeNotes said...

Sometimes Michigan loses to USC or Ohio State. That doesn't mean I like those schools more.

CrimeNotes said...

What's a plastic FHM picture?

I know so much ... and yet there's so much left to learn.

Flop said...

There are some photos of her posing for FHM in a lab coat. They're some of the least attractive pictures of her. We shan't be using those.

CrimeNotes said...

Oh, that's right. FHM is a store. I thought it was some kind of newfangled photo technology.

Jaime said...

It's also a magazine.

CrimeNotes said...

Oh, yeah, that's right. Wait, is it even a store? I don't buy magazines. I don't go to clothe stores. I only see stuff when I'm walking around.

CrimeNotes said...

Now I'm all confused. All I know is that FHM plastic isn't a special photo-processing technology.