I am going to eat some fucking cereal.
You know what Vanilla Special K tastes like? Like ice cream. I am going to pour the goddamn cereal into a motherfucking bowl, and then get out the milk, and then I'm going to eat it.
What I'm saying, assholes, is that I'm going to eat that goddamn cereal.
I'm not going to eat it with any pussy skim milk. Whole milk, bitches. I took my ass to the bodega to buy some milk and some goddamn Vanilla Special K. Skim milk? Out. Whole milk? Hell yes. "Ring me up that whole milk, motherfucker, and hurry," I told the cashier. "I'm going to buy my ass a pack of Trident, too."
So I did. Exact change, motherfuckers, because there's nothing that fucks up my shit like getting nickels and pennies back from the cashier.
The whole goddamn commercial transaction got me so excited that I chewed some motherfucking Trident as soon as I left that bodega. Now I'm going to eat that fucking cereal. If you don't like that I'll have no recourse other than to regulate your skim milk-drinking ass, asshole.
I would like to steal must of this, curse words included, and pitch Special K an amazing radio spot.
ReplyDeleteKelloggs cereals are for bitches. General Mills is where it's at! Lucky Charms what WHAAT!
ReplyDelete...I mean, um, cereal is delicious and fortified.
Vanilla K: word.
ReplyDeleteForget GM and Kellog's, Post is the shit! They gotta feed America!
ReplyDeletebodega? fucking pussy.
ReplyDeleteYou shoulda waited till AFTER you ate them flakes to get your masticate-on with that T-Dent. Don't you know Xylitol desensitizes your buds?
ReplyDeleteCopyranter's right. But that legal would be a bitch.
ReplyDeleteIt does my heart good to read that so many of you bastards and bitches share my fucking devotion to cereal. Don't even get me started on the Pop Tarts.
ReplyDeleteOnward and upwards.
Nice to see you have an alter ego.
ReplyDeleteMy dark side like cereal and Trident.
ReplyDeleteIs this Vanilla Special K the Vanilla Almost Special K? Cause it has a weird aftertaste. And it's not the aftertaste of ice cream. And if there's a different Special K that actually tastes like ice cream, I'd really like to know.
ReplyDeleteSurplus,
ReplyDeleteYou were probably using skim milk, just like I told you not to.
Right up my fucking alley.
ReplyDeleteI laughed through the whole post.
Right up my fucking alley.
ReplyDeleteI laughed through the whole post.
Thanks Ryan.
ReplyDeleteYou need to update your blog more often.
Thanks Ryan.
ReplyDeleteYou need to update your blog more often.
I was using soy, which is probably worse. Not for taste, but just because it makes me a dirty hippie. You might think the soy and the cereal interacted poorly to make that weird aftertaste, but it was there even when the cereal was tasted dry. Something in the sweet coating on the almonds. I think I'm back to my Special K Red Berries.
ReplyDeleteI was at a party tonight and read this post to a room full of people and they were doubled over.
ReplyDeleteI would nominate the "buy my ass a a pack of Trident" line for blog-line-of-the-year, if such an award existed.