An evening with CrimeNotes and Flop

Discussion agenda includes:

• Hypothetical treatise titled "The Human Butt."
• Medical cocaine.
• Whether a surgeon should invite a retarded ten-year-old son to observe in the operating room.
• Coffee enemas.
• Prank text messages.
• The phrase, "Me so gay."
• Whether intestines have the most neurons in the human body outside of the brain.
• Hillary vs. Obama.
• Driving in the snow.
• Crashing a snowmobile through a garage door.
  
• Query: Who is the biggest pussy?
• Query: Is Cleveland completely despicable, or just fucked up?
• Query: When is it appropriate to root for Ohio State?
• Idiocracy: is it funnier than Team America?
  
• Variations in the rules of euchre.
• Excessive Tivo use.
• Tumors.
  
• The injustice of Peri Gilpin never winning an Emmy award for her work on Frasier.
• Niles Crane.
  
• The Michigan State fight song.
• Urine.
• The bathroom habits of truck drivers.
  
• Reach-arounds.
• Ivy League hockey.
• Crustaceans and their chitin shells.
• Traffic in the Death Valley.
• Surgeons who like XBox.
• Whether Penn grads are deplorable.
• Eating clubs at Princeton.
• Harvard's overrated professional schools.
• Who went to what high school in suburban Grand Rapids, MI.
  
• Farting.
  
• Dead raccoons, muskrats, and nutrias.
• People who masturbate in the living room.
  
• Whether winters in the Midwest make a person's cheeks "rosy."
• South Georgia.
• A dictatorial field hockey coach.
  
• Instant messaging phrases.
• Wikipedia.
• The role of Jesuit priests in Japanese military history.
• Irish Catholics who hate Notre Dame.
• Sisters.
• Horrible crowds at Lower East Side bars.
• Getting trashed with parents.
• Ph.Ds who marry.
  

CrimeNotes and Flop debate the collapse of civilizations

Paraphrased from an argument last night:

Flop: Fucker, if you could get text messages you would have known where we were.
Me: No, if I could get text messages I wouldn't have read your fucking text message because I would have been annoyed that someone sent me a text message.
Flop: Great. I'm sure that if you were a Roman, you would have refused to adopt those newfangled phalanxes.
Me: Didn't the Roman's have phalanxes?
Flop: No they didn't. That's why their empire collapsed.
Me: You huge asshole. The Romans had phalanxes. That's not why their empire collapsed.
Flop: Okay, fine, pick an empire that collapsed because it refused to adapt to new technology.
Me: The Romans rotted from within.
Flop: The Hittites!
Me: Fuck you and your Hittites.
Flop: Why did the Hittites collapse?
Me: Beats the hell out of me.
Flop: I'm pretty sure it's because they failed to adapt. Okay, well, pick a fallen empire that refused to adapt to technology, and that's you.
Me: Okay, the dinosaurs.
Flop: (sarcastic) Oh yes, the dinosaurs. Of course, the dinosaurs and their mighty mighty empire. And they were victims of what kind of technological failing exactly?
Me: They refused to develop a missile-defense shield that would deflect incoming asteroids.
Flop: The kind of great missile defense that George W. Bush is developing, right?
Me: Okay, the Aborigines probably didn't adapt to technology.
Flop: You're only saying that because they're black. What's next, are you going to blame the Iroquois for not having a smallpox vaccine at the ready?
Me: No, you motherfucker. But now that you mention it, the Indians died of smallpox, right?
Flop: That's right, asshole.
Me: Okay, and according to popular legend, the English gave them blankets infected with smallpox, correct?
Flop: Yes, you douche.
Me: So the problem wasn't refusing to adapt to technology, it was that they were too greedy in wanting to adapt to all of that new blanket technology. If the Iroquois had refused to accept the new cutting-edge blankets, no smallpox. Blankets were the text messages, and text messages are the smallpox, and wanting to have all of the new technology is what doomed them. I fucking win!