Super Tuesday Liveblog: Magnum Flopus Part I

A super Tuesday requires a super liveblog, does it not? Follow along with liveblog-style coverage of a Tuesday so super, they should have called it Über Tuesday.

8:28 a.m. Time to vote! Democracy is totally on the march. Despite having registered some time ago, thanks to a lissome, auburn-haired young Obama volunteer, the board of elections did not have my information. If I were a minority in Indiana or Georgia, I'd most likely be hosed, but the Empire State, despite its shortcomings, does not see fit to disenfranchise. So I (carefully) cast my provisional. No problem. Despite his predilection for hiring college-aged slackers who probably got drunk (or hopped up on goofballs) and threw out my registration forms, I voted for Barack Obama. If Hillary wins her home state, I'll still be pitching a perfect no-hitter in presidential elections.

8:34 a.m. There is a problem. It's not with me. An angry middle-aged urbanite with a jaunty cap screws up his ballot by mis-manipulating the giant Handle of Democracy on the ancient, clanking machinery New York uses to record its citizens' votes. I feel like Jim Kelly in the SportsCenter ad when he's watching Adam Vinatieri repeatedly set off a metal detector. I love that giant handle. I like to imagine I'm in a massive Zeppelin of righteousness, unleashing my high-explosive ballot upon George W. Bush's misbegotten presidency. Or something. But this time, my justice was meted out in ink form. As the poll clerk records my ballot in the log for the provisionals, I notice I'm the second name listed. The first: My roommate, who apparently got a bum machine, as his reason was listed as "machine broken." U!S!A! U!S!A!

9:16 a.m. Nothing's happening yet. I mean, it is early in the morning. But I thought I'd add a photo. Because, um, I can. This image symbolizes Tuesday's role as the second day of the week, as well as the two principal candidates on each ballot of the two major parties. Also, the duality of man.

Photo from holeymoon's photostream on Flickr.

9:19 a.m. While I was uploading the photo, CNN showed that commercial where Clay Aiken rings some dude's doorbell to ask him if he's heard about "the fiber" yet. So I switched it to NBC, which is going to be showing lingerie. Let's see: Annoying commercials on CNN or pretty ladies wearing clothes meant to be removed from them. I think I'll start my day with the flismy nightwear, and ease in to my Super Tuesday coverage, lest I wind up shooting out the TV screen by the dozenth showing of that commercial. I will consider posting a photo of that, but it's unlikely. Future photos will be more likely to illuminate the text by exploring the themes of Superness, 2s, and days.

9:25 a.m. No one asked, but it always bothers me when people use the term "political junkie." I have an interest in politics, but that's only because I have specific, well-developed ideas about governance. I don't consider myself a political junkie, and I don't even consider "politics" by themselves an interest. When I hear people call themselves that, or saying they really enjoy the campaign season or whatever, I'm always suspicious. Especially when they don't seem to have much familiarity with or interest in policy. I wonder: Are these the kind of people who used to like to catch bugs, put them in a jar and shake it to make them fight?

9:29 a.m. If you read the preceding and wondered if it was my oblique way of expressing my general blanket distaste for pretty much all cable TV talking heads and newspaper campaign reporters, you could be right.


9:48 a.m. Some facts about ÜberDienstag, as the German media are no doubt calling it.

• Elections are being held in 24 states! That's 23.9 Canadian provinces, 12.9 British Counties, 25.9 Swiss cantons and 2,553.73 Japanese prefectures!)
• On Democratic ballots the frontrunners are Barack Obama, who is not Muslim, and Hillary Clinton, who does not keep her husband's ballsac in a safe-deposit box, despite what you may have heard on CNN.
• For Republicans, Maverick Senator John McCain has a lead on Proven Businessmann Mitt Romney, upon whose shoulders Boeing jets made for short- and medium-haul flying have been posited to be able to land.
• For our overseas friends: This is just a sort of pre-election, to determine who will stand for the real elections in November. But most of you know this thanks to your often-superior educational systems and media.
• The states voting today are Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas ... oh, fuck it. Here's a map from wikipedia.

Blue: Democratic election only. Red: Republican election only. Purple: Both parties. Not hard.

10:27 a.m. I'm back. I ran out to get some seltzer and an egg-and-cheese sandwich. I was tempted to get a beer, but that could be frowned upon. Nevertheless, I made plans with a friend of mine to watch returns and play Tiger Woods later tonight. He's a Giants fan and always manages to beat me in Tiger Woods, no matter how well or how poorly I play. (The opposite holds true when he and I play NCAA football.) I'm looking at a whupping, but hopefully it won't be as bad as the one Rudy Giuliani absorbed. Speaking of that: My favorite part was that the more he campaigned in a state, the less popular he got. That makes me fly.

10:40 a.m. Apparently, I wasn't the only one to have troubles voting. CSB correspondent Fiddles Hallihan reports his polling place was also in a state of chaos resulting in a 30-minute wait to vote. I should have noted earlier, that I was like, one of the few people voting at my polling place, and that the only delays were due to me not being listed in the Mighty Book of Registrants.

10:54 a.m. In lieu of anything substantive, more art.

From the stream of brodiemanlsu, whom we congratulate on his national title if his user name means what I think it means. Brodieman, we welcome your advice on beating those clowns, because the secret has sure escaped us lately.

11:05 a.m. I got distracted thinking about the Detroit Tigers and how most of their offseason moves have been terrible. For me, I mean. If you're a Tigers fan, they're really, really good ones.

11:16 a.m. According to CNN.com, John McCain said "as the nominee of my party, I can and will carry the city of New York as well as the state of New York, because we know how to appeal to independents," he said." Um, good luck with that. If there's one state with a dearth of independents, it's New York, where most voters have to choose a party, if only to vote in primaries. Also: Dude, no. It's not happening. McCain also apparently said that he would "take the battle to the enemy." Naturally, Rudy Giuliani and Joe Lieberman were at his side. Something tells me his campaign is going to have some rather warlike themes ...

11:22 a.m. Yeah, I know, I know. McCain's a Republican. Posturing and sowing fear is how they tend to do, isn't it?

11:28 a.m. Just how badly would Hillary's campaign have to implode for McCain to take either the city or the state? In case no one noticed, people love her here. And in New York City, most people don't care for Republican presidential candidates. I imagine it would take some sort of massive scandal that happened so late in the campaign as to preclude, like, replacing her. Though he's not as bad as some Republicans, the thought of a McCain landslide gives me fucking cramps.

Craps. From the Flickr photostream of evilgreg3000.

11:38 a.m. Let's see what Fox News has to say. I heard they hired Karl Rove recently.

11:45 a.m. This is boring, although apparently the south is in for some terrifying weather, at least if the animated graphics and skinny blonde are to be believed. "I can't imagine being in a tornado watch, or a tornado warning and trying to go out and vote." I've never imagined it before myself. So I guess I can't, either.

11:50 a.m. Sean Hannity's giant, smug head has just appeared. He's infuriating just to look at. Alan Colmes is permitted to chime in. I'm always surprised when Hannity doesn't take a telestrator and write "FAG" or something with an arrow pointing to him. Seriously, the dynamic in the studio is like something out of high school, with a bunch of suckups trying to get in with the cool kid by making fun of the designated target. It's a miracle Alan Colmes doesn't weep himself to sleep every night on a huge pile of cash. Incidentally, Hannity doesn't expect a winner on the Democratic side.

11:59 a.m. This is my last entry of the morning ...


12:01 p.m. ... because it's afternoon now.

12:04 p.m. McCain is blustering at Mitt Romney for daring to say something bad about Bob Dole because Bob Dole was an "American Hero." Look, this is true. Dole served honorably, and was a badass. The sections of Richard Ben Cramer's "What It Takes" that dealt with Dole were great, and made me have far more respect for the guy than I probably would have based on his Congressional career. But declaring someone off-limits because they saw combat, or were wounded in combat is just a non-starter. As convenient as it would make life for McCain, whom I fear is going to cheapen his service over the next nine months, this just can't be an acceptable rule of discourse. And I say this knowing full well that declaring veterans untouchable would benefit the Democrats far more than it would benefit Republicans.

12:19 p.m. Everything I've read today suggests there will be a lot of late breaking votes. Polls are somewhat all over the place. And when it's all over, the large number of proportionally determined delegates means that probably neither Hillary nor Obama will be in the catbird seat or destined for the dustbin of history. Which is ... fine, I guess. I don't think a brokered convention, as much as it makes the the soft and tender bits of the "political junkie" set throb, is a good outcome. In New Hampshire, the late breakers put Hillary over the top. But now it's possible that

12:25 p.m. MSNBC is showing a sign that says "Polling Place" in seven different languages, including Spanish, the defacto second language of Los Estados. I hope lots of people who watch Lou Dobbs were watching that. Hell, I hope he was watching it -- I bet that burned the Dobbster up good.

12:31 p.m. DEAR. LORD. From an ad just now: "As a prisoner of war, John McCain was inspired by Ronald Reagan." The ad goes on to play McCain's voice saying: "I enlisted as a footsoldier in the Reagan Revolution." The narrator comes back to intone: "The leadership and experience to call for the surge strategy in Iraq that is working." The screen flashes the words "True Conservative" followed by "Commander in Chief." The subtext is more than just a little terrifying. Even more frightening is that the appeal might work. I really don't like the implication that we're just a militaristic cult. I hate it even more than the idea that we're all easily gulled by appeals to fear. But, uh, yeah, I would like to say something else here, but there's not much to say. Criminy.

12:39 p.m. OK, I've chilled now. I have to say, after all the havoc they've gleefully wreaked on the country, I do enjoy that Republicans now have to choose between two candidates they don't like. Democrats, who have hemmed and hawed and generally been more complicit than they should have been in the looting of America, at least have a choice between two strong candidates most of them like. Of course, if the Democrats win, they'll inherit a mess, for which they'll get the blame.

12:41 p.m. Yeah, I guess I'm still kind of cynical. It's going to be a long, ugly campaign.

From the stream of Billy V.

12:48 p.m. I mentioned Richard Ben Cramer earlier. I should note briefly that his portrait of Joe DiMaggio was one of the best biographies I've ever read, and I didn't really even have much, if any, interest in the guy until I read the The Hero's Life. It's far from the usual hagiography of sports figures. What it Takes was an opus, several hundred pages of stories woven together, sometimes not all that smoothly. In The Hero's Life, Cramer's usual rat-a-tat style is turned down to soft pops. What stands out is DiMaggio's deep, deep insecurity. It drove almost everything he did, from his seriously dysfunctional interpersonal relationships, (including marriages), to his business dealings to his incredible drive to excel. Cramer did his homework, and he still manages to support a sad, yet almost sympathetic, character.

1:01 p.m. Is it clear that I'm getting a bit discouraged by the prospects for the general election yet? Whatever. Open the floodgates. At some point, we'll discover a sense of national shame, I just know it. It's down there somewhere. Maybe along with plans for reinvesting in rail and eating less red meat.

1:23 p.m. Odds on a Mardi Gras joke referencing Hillary Clinton and her ta-tas on a late-night talk show tonight: Leno: 3-1, Stewart: 4-1, Letterman 12-1, Larry King: 999-1. Jimmy Kimmel: OFF, but only because I think he sucks dong. By which I mean, of course, the Vietnamese currency.


1:41 p.m. CNN is reporting on something about Al Qaida. The video they used: the one with the guys in ninja suits on the monkey bars that we've been seeing for seven fucking years. Just stop it. Especially when the issue is torture. Besides, I know you totally want it to be scary, and it's just not. It looks like terrorist recess.

1:50 p.m. I think when some of the people on TV talk about a brokered convention, you can see them trying to nonchalantly position an elbow or a couch cushion in front of them. Just saying.

1:57 p.m. Seriously, McCain is setting himself up for Jim Webb to go all Lloyd Bentsen on his ass re: Ronald Reagan. What did McCain do during the Reagan administration, other than endorse checks from Chaz Keating? And Mitt Romney was living as an au pair in Bruges at the time, I believe.

2:02 p.m. Who are likely vice-presidential picks for these guys, anyway? You think McCain's going to have Dick Cheney head up his search committee? Does he pick someone who appeals more to the "True Conservative" base and gets that fat fuck Limbaugh off his back? Or does he pick someone maverickier, someone more warlike and, say, Liebermannish? (I can see pundits swooning now.) Who would Obama or Hillary pick? And, who would be the most disastrous pick?

2:11 p.m. OK, that's it for me now. Real life calls. Looking forward to lively discussion in the comments. See you back here as the returns roll in. Encouraging news: Apparently, there's been a shitload of turnout. If I wanted to be like the man who will no longer be president a year from now, I would point out that maybe something good will happen as a result of the unmitigated disaster that has been and will continue to be his legacy. Huzzah, turnout. Huzzah, democracy, Huzzah Super Mardi Gras Tuesday.

From Blonde Librarian's stream.

A liveblog in brief

Real life has intervened in numerous ways, so I'll be brief:

9:47 p.m. McCain is not like George W. Bush, except in the way that both are reckless dumbasses when it comes to foreign relations, and both think that feeding more people into the Iraq corpse-chipper is a swell idea. So for those of you who get the vapors at all of Hillary's Clintonian exceesses, man up and face the fact that she'd at least be better than McCain on Iraq.

9:51 p.m. Also, on the economy. Jesus, I find a lot of Clinton-era economic policies annoying, but they're better than the Republican ethos of the past three decades, even if too close to them for my comfort. But seeing as McCain is an admitted lightweight on these issues, it seems safe to assume he'll mostly go for Republican Party orthodoxy, if only to fund his adopted pet war.

9:54 p.m. No, I'm not in a particularly good mood that he won, either, so get off my back.

Liveblog? Mmmmmaybe

Not to engage in some shameless coquetry here, but there may or may not be a liveblog later for this, the most Mittmentous of GOP primaries.

Register your outrage in the comments.

Nevada courts agree: Voting should not be made harder

The lawsuit filed by the Nevada teachers' union to prevent people working on Saturday from caucusing at seven spots set up on the strip got thrown out today. It means that the idea of using the law to erect obstacles to legitimate voters took a hit. Anyone who gives a shit about democracy or the legitimate consent of the governed or voter participation should be happy.

This is a good thing, even if you support Hillary Clinton.

This leaves me wondering if the polling place to be set up at the New York New York casino will feature the massive, clanking, medieval Machinery of Democracy that we use here in the Empire State. That place thought of everything.

Circumspice, bitches!

Si quaeris liveblogam amoenam ...

We'd be remiss if we didn't liveblog the hot, hot primary election action coming out of our (in my case, adopted) home state, Michigan.

Starting this afternoon, we'll bring you occasional updates, but when the returns start coming fast and furious, we'll be there as only Cole Slaw Blog can. Cole Slaw Blog: Your 2008 Election headquarters for silliness and nonsense. (By which we mean intentional silliness and nonsense, not crap like an expose on cafeteria food from The Politico, Washington's answer to The Beverly Blaze.)

I'll start with a somewhat timely anecdote. When I lived in Michigan in 2000, I voted for John McCain in the Republican primary. I thought reasonably nice things of McCain back then, and I thought horrible, horrible things about George W. Bush. Although never in my wildest dreams did I expect this kind of disaster, I knew enough to know I really, really didn't want him. And so I made sure to go out and vote for McCain to fuck over Bush. And it worked ... until the South Carolina firewall.

So that was nice for a while. If I still lived in Michigan, I think I'd consider doing what a lot of Democrats are doing, and voting for Mitt Romney. Or maybe I'd tell them I was trying to ratfuck Republican primaries with my vote long before it was cool, and back when internet video was just buffering ... buffering .... buffering ...



OK, on with the updates:

11:38 a.m. Early news out of the Wolverine State indicates moderate to light voting. Seeing as this is essentially a GOP-only contest (as far as delegates are concerned), that's not too surprising. Are you like me? Did you think the coolest part of the Michigan Democrats for Romney video was Brandent Englemon jacking up some poor macroeconomics major from Vanderbilt?

11:58 a.m. This has nothing directly to do with Michigan, but CNN is doing a piece on how Mitt Romney may be too perfect looking for the presidency. This is vapid, even by CNN's standards.

12:20 p.m. Feel the excitement! The Grand Rapids Press, located in the heart of Michigan Republicandom is informing its website readers of the following up-to-the-minute news: A local chain of grocery stores has scored well on recent sanitation inspections; a local snowboard park has a history that includes one of the sport's titans; a credit union was recently robbed for the second time in a short span; Business leaders will be attending a policy conference in Grand Rapids this fall.

1:04 p.m. Just saw this now on TPM. Apparently, Mitt's goose is as yet uncooked. Poll numbers are showing signs of Romnmentum. As George Costanza once said "I think I felt it move!"

1:06 p.m. CNN is interviewing some smirking Republican who's complaining about illegal immigrants hurting his business, and for whom the candidates aren't socially conservative enough, even in the economic blast zone that is southeast Michigan. In the background: A Manchester United flag. Figures. I wonder if it makes him uncomfortable that Cristiano Ronaldo is so very, very pretty and prancy. And frequently appears in tabloids wearing naught but junk-hugging Speedos. Or maybe he doesn't give a shit, because this appeared to have taken place in some classroom somewhere. Maybe at the Lynn Rivers Democrat School for Forced Gay Marriage.

1:25 p.m. There's not a lot happening in the Michigan primary. I'm going to watch the $10 DVD of The Princess Bride I bought late last year.

5:10 p.m. That totally ruled. I was done with it a while ago, but I did some other stuff, and to be honest, there's not much action until the polls close.


5:11 p.m. Fuck that shit, there's always something happening in The Situation Room! And so it is. The Wolfster lets us know that Barack Obama is black. And Hillary Clinton is personally offended that people thought she noticed. Or something. I just got back from New York Burger Company and am not really paying attention.

5:27 p.m. Ever wonder why Michigan State Police cars still have those old-timey "gumball" lights on top when every other force has gone to massive racks of strobes? And what's with that ineffective-looking clear sign on the hood?



Wikipedia:

Both the rotating overhead light and the shark fin have traditionally been synonymous with the MSP. The shark fin was used for a side stop, which was employed when a Trooper was stopping another vehicle. The Trooper would pull along the driver's side of the vehicle he wished to stop and would activate the shark fin's light, alerting the other driver that he was to pull over. ... The rotating red light has been used by the MSP since 1960 and the current style red overhead light has been in use by the agency since 1979. The bright red-pink hue of the light is striking and it makes the patrol car recognizable as a Michigan State Police car from several miles away. The red overhead lights on some MSP cars are 20-25 years old.

There you have it. Meanwhile, Blitzer's talking about issues with the Canadian border -- maybe he's trying to carve out his own niche as the Lou Dobbs of the north. What better night on which to do it than Michigan Primary night? I bet this is of great importance to Michigan republicans.

5:28 p.m. Do you think there's a small subset of right-wing blogs obsessed that Canadian immigrants are going to take over our country (assuming the Muslims and Mexicans don't get there first)? I mean, there's NHL teams in two dozen U.S. cities, OMG they're going to take it over!

5:29 p.m. I'm done now. Wolf is interviewing Glenn Beck with a straight face. George Bush "has betrayed conservatives every step of the way." Uh huh. CNN should hire us and fire Glenn Beck -- Americans would wind up more knowledgeable about mammal taxonomy, Cormac McCarthy and state police forces, while also being less racist and self-centered. Meanwhile, he could be the really annoying guy you tune out down at the office.

5:32 p.m. Holy shit, we're talkin' health care, because Beck just had surgery. CNN's chryon: "Why Health Care Matters: Glenn's life-threatening surgery."

Sounds about right. After all, to repurpose a frequent point of crunk raconteur, "conservative" is just another term for someone who can't imagine a world more than six feet from his or her own billfold.

Apparently, Beck had a rough ordeal at his (presumably) privately run hospital, where they just tried to get him out the door and didn't have enough compassion. He has concluded that the government is not the answer, because the hospitals would be like the DMW. The upshot: Rudy Giuliani will solve this by unleashing the private sector. Blitzer wanly mentions that HMOs might be part of the problem, but Beck is two steps ahead of him, demonizing Canada and England. It's like watching a fish try to race a snail across a parking lot.

None of what I just wrote is anything but a straight, vanilla summary of the conversation. This is truly dada. Future generations will be horrified.

5:41 p.m. Uh, just to cleanse the palate. Michigan's state quarter is rather handsome, and of all the states resorting to using their outline on the coin, Michigan has one of the better excuses -- few states have a more distinctive shape. The design was cleanly executed, with a nice use of texture to highlight the state itself. I would rank this among the better, but probably not the best, designs. I'll spare you the details.




5:49 p.m. Mich-mentum! Voter turnout is low, low, low, although absentee ballots should help make up for this. The Free Press blames snow and the lack of a real Democratic race. I'm not buying the first one -- this is Michigan. If people are letting snow keep them home, I'm going to be embarrassed for my adopted home state. Although I wouldn't piss on one of these Republican candidates if they were on fire, so I can't imagine getting out of the house to go cast my vote for one of these hucksters. This sums it up for me:

“It’s probably going to be something like a school board election,” said Inez Brown, clerk in heavily Democratic Flint. Brown said the equipment in Flint’s 61 precincts has worked properly and voters seem to understand that the not all the candidates are on the Democratic ballot.

But the difference is, I wouldn't trust any of these clowns to appropriate pencils and paste. I hope the light turnout helps provide a sort of reverse boost to the Democrats for Mitt.

6:05 p.m. Don't forget Huckabmentum! Blitzer tells us that Huckabee "suggests he'll be a winner tonight so long as he defies expectations in Michigan." From the campaign's press staff to Blitzer's mouth. They don't pay him the big bucks for nothing, folks.

6:07 p.m. Apparently 20 percent of Romney voters chose him because of the reason "say what he believes." I am going to go ahead and guess that these people have images of a mesomorphic cartoon hoplite on many of their personal property. Just a hunch.

6:14 p.m. Here's a photo of the Sleeping Bear Dunes. They're up here (I'm pointing to the outside edge of my left pinky, near the tip).

From blue_eyed_demon1963's photostream at Flickr.

6:3o p.m. Voters! Study up! You only have two and a half more hours to set your hand in favor of your chosen candidate. Paw Paw resident Lorraine deBaptiste has been working on it diligently since speaking to a Kalamazoo Gazette reporter earlier today.

KALAMAZOO -- Lorraine deBaptiste said she was "very impressed" by John McCain's appearance here Monday during a campaign rally at Kalamazoo Christian High School.

But the Paw Paw resident still doesn't know how she's going to vote today.

"I liked what he said about securing the borders and supporting our soldiers," deBaptiste said. "But there's also things I like about Romney and Huckabee. I need to do a lot more research."

Best of luck, Lorraine! Did you know? Paw Paw is just a couple miles east of Teapot Dome, Michigan.

6:43 p.m. I used to think Jack Cafferty was a grumpy old, id-centric crank. But he's clearly smarter than most of the people who draw paychecks for appearing on CNN. Man, I have better things to be doing now, right?

7:15 p.m. Apparently, I did. I started a batch of vegetable soup. It's easy. Take some vegetables, put them in a pot with some stock (I used chicken; vegetable would work too). When they're tender, I'm going to put them in the food processor and slash the fuck out of about half the veg. Then I'll add it back, thickening the soup. Let's see fucking Dana Bash do that.

7:22 p.m. Chris Matthews is live from Las Vegas. Idle thought: I wonder how much he's spent at the Rhino already. Also, I'm getting a vision ... interns pooling credit cards ... bouncers ... a cab ... sunrise over the Strip. OK, where was I? Oh yes. More chatter about the Nevada caucuses. What about Michigan, clowns? Cole Slaw Blog is your home for primary coverage, even if these guys aren't.

7:45 p.m. I reserve the right to watch some of the Democratic debate, assuming I don't just fall asleep from all the Republimentum! It's amazing to me what a smorgasbord of dopes they have out. But wouldn't it be perfect for someone of real substance like Edwards or Obama to win, only to spend his time in office cleaning up after Bush and getting blamed when all that administrations time bombs go off.

7:48 p.m. Dear God! It's Pat Buchanan, squinting in the light after a production assistant wheeled him out from his dusty closet.

8:04 p.m. It's clear that I've gotten started too early. Like in Go when Simon got drunk and passed out before he and his friends even left for Las Vegas. Polls don't close for about an hour. I guess I just got caught up in all the excitement of a non-essential primary.

8:53 p.m. Excitement builds as it's almost time to show the exit polls. I'd guess that Mitt and McCain do well, Huckabee rides a wave of Huckabmentum to third, and Rudy Giuliani gets his nuts hammered (again) by totally sane person Ron Paul. I may have been peeking on super-secret websites, however.

9 p.m. It's Romney. Oh, the Mittmentum. Polls in all but the farthest reaches of the Upper Peninsula are closed and NBC's gone ahead and declared the state for Romney, the son of a former governor. Three states, three winners for the Republicans.It's possible that there will be an actual, constested convention. But probably not.

9:02 p.m. Two young campaign workers can be seen on CNN, jumping up and down gleefully at Mittquarters. How such a hunk of Vitalis and starch can get anyone, let alone 20-something women, so excited is beyond me. But hey, what the fuck do I know about loving Republicans?

9:05 p.m. Debate time. Hillary just said "son of a mill worker." I know who that is! As much as I like Edwards, I have to say, I am as aware of his father's field of employment as I am of Jerome Bettis' hometown (it's Detroit, by the way.) She and Obama are being made to play nice here at the start of the debate.

9:11 p.m. Just wanted to mention that Rudy Giuliani is still working the Florida angle. I was going to post something else, but I just looked at the clock, and thought of him.

9:13 p.m. Russert is going to call Hillary Clinton on the Robert Johnson thing. I guess this isn't like when he asks people if he can print what they just told him. She won't toss him over the side though.

9:16 p.m. Edwards gets asked the white male question, to laughter. He says it's a credit to his party and to America. I'll buy the first part, if only because the Republican debates look like the Men's Grille at your friendly local (restricted) country club.

9:22 p.m. I think what I like about Edwards is that he understands what it's like to be getting the short end of things in 21st century America. This isn't to say that Clinton and Obama were born with silver spoons in their mouths, but his compassion really seems to drive him. You can't help but find it admirable. If he doesn't wind up President, I feel like he'll keep doing good things. This post is really lame and dull because I'm suddenly falling asleep, but yeah, I like Edwards.

9:33 p.m. Wow. Brian Williams quite jovially repeats the hateful "Secret Muslim Man" slur against Obama. A proud moment for journalism. Obama is handling it with dignity and grace, which will totally serve him well in the general, just ask John Kerry. I would have liked to see him point out that not only is being a Muslim perfectly legal, but there's not one candidate in the election who would think there was anything wrong with it. Except maybe Mike Huckabee, who would like to see the Constitution changed to meet "God's standards."

I'm sure he'll be called to account for his desire to see a theocratic United States.

9:40 p.m. Dear sweet lord, even my rage at the whole "Are you now or are have you ever been a dirty, no-good Muslim?" question can't fuel me much longer. So ... very ... sleepy.

9:48 p.m. Let's see what the backslappers over at Fox News have to say about this. Upon flipping the channel, they seem to be lathered up over some slight to Gen. Petraeus. Brit Hume is fluttering his jowls and muttering about Hillary's performance among black voters. Some blonde chick with pearls is talking about how correct John McCain was on his "one-issue" candidacy. (Note: He was right about the surge AND the Iraq War. So true.) Some other white guy is chortling about McCain's vibrant sense of humor. Dear God, what a frightening room. I'd rather be dumped into a pit full of scorpions.

9:59 p.m. Edwards' question is better than most I've seen asked at debates. It's pointed and designed to get a response. I would guess his background gives him an advantage here. Aaaaand, apparently, Hillary doesn't have to answer it. Dan Burton just threw a pumpkin at his TV.

10:06 p.m. Hey, look at that. Made it past 10. I'm like, barely sentient right now. Which I suppose makes me rather representative of the American electorate. I do, however, like that Hillary is willing to point out that there are serious, fundamental differences between the Republicans and Democrats on the issue of Iraq. It makes me think that she'll deliver a payload of hellfire to the Republicans the second she's sworn in. I like Obama better, but if he's elected, I fully expect a period during which I'll cringe at his attempts to forge bipartisan consensun.

10:12 p.m. About time to bring it home. Lessons learned tonight: Michigan state troopers roll old-timey, Mitt Romney is a winner, Obama will be discrediting many, many slurs that shouldn't even be slurs for a long time, nonstop coverage of nonstories is draining and irritating, Atrios can still find people who think getting slaughtered again by Ron Paul is great news for Giuliani, the lure of sleep is strong, even at 10 p.m.

10:27 p.m. The Dreaded Yucca Mountain Question. My solution: We should bundle the waste canisters, secure them, and put their disposal out to bid so private companies can compete on the open market to profit from taking it on. The power of the market will ensure that the waste doesn't wind up anywhere it can cause havoc. Or at least nowhere that we'll have to hear people squawk about it.

OK, that's it for me tonight.

Clinton race-baiting, Part 2 of _

"If you have a social need, you're with Hillary," the aide said. "If you want Obama to be your imaginary hip black friend and you're young and you have no social needs, then he's cool."

It really is masterful -- if disgusting -- politics. Even if this turns out to be a misunderstanding or overheated rhetoric among informal advisers, they still polarize the campaigns and make Obama a niche candidate. Obama becomes the definitive "black candidate" of a black constituency, no matter how hard he tries to be the candidate who's moved beyond race. Certain white voters will perceive him differently, and the Clintons maintain plausible deniability. Maybe it bodes well for her performance in a general election. That it risks starting a war within the Democratic Party is secondary -- all that's ever matter is their own survival.

In light of Bill's exploitation of Ricky Ray Rector,* none of this should be surprising.

*Rector, a black man with an IQ of 70, shot a police officer and then attempted to kill himself. He believed that prison guards were throwing chickens and alligators into his jail cell, imitated an ape, and on the night of his execution asked a prison guard for a slice of pecan pie before bed, not realizing that he was about to be killed. Before his death, he also stated an intention to vote Bill Clinton for president. In 2002, the Supreme Court ruled that executing the retarded is unconstitutional. For Clinton, it was all an opportunity to prove death penalty bona fides.

The Clintons' Rovean smear tactics

Let's pretend that legitimate attacks on the party's anointed frontrunner are steeped in misogyny instead of the harsh criticisms levied against any standardbearer. Once she's off limits, engage in race-baiting.

I can't stand them.

MmmBarack, bop ba doo bop, bidee bob ba doo bop, bop ba doo I don't like Sen. Clinton very much.

This site will live-blog the New Hampshire primaries for at least some part of this evening. I know this interests no one but me, my co-blogger and one of our readers, but really, when has this site ever cared about pleasing you? Not since Tits Week!

I spent much of today feeling grateful for Howard Dean's old campaign and thinking about why Bill Clinton is a blight. Maybe you'll have that to anticipate, as well.

Stay tuned!


7:31 p.m.: When Tom Brokaw and Tim Russert share camera time with Chris Matthews, I imagine they think the same things I do when I'm having a conversation with "Flop." Something like, "How did I end up in the company of this excitable, rambling madman, and what can I do to extract myself?"

7:42 p.m.: Exclusive scoop! Commenter Oops Pow Surprise has reported in the comments (on this site!) that Hillary Clinton currently is behind by 70 percent. For its part, MSNBC just spent several minutes talking about crying, when crying is appropriate, etc.

7:52 p.m.: I've revised the headline per dmbmeg's suggestion. This is an interactive process tonight, you see. Speak up and let your voice be heard.

7:59 p.m.: MSNBC promises exit poll results at the top of the hour. I'd love to put this liveblog to a rest by about 9 or 9:30. I bought a PS3 over the weekend and would like to turn my attention to Assassin's Creed.

8:01 p.m.: Oh, yikes. Too close to call between Clinton and Obama. That is not what I expected or wanted. Uh ... huh.

8:10 p.m.: Not wanting to repeat my experience in 2004, when it took me months to get behind John Kerry, I've been very careful this year not to get too passionate about one candidate. I'll support any of the Democrats, and I logically know this, but after Obama won on Thursday my passions went up and I looked forward to the Clintons disappearing as soon as possible. I'm not excited about the possibility or reorienting.

8:13 p.m.: MSNBC calls the Republican race for McCain. I've spent most of the primary season steeling myself for a Clinton-Romney election, but an Obama-McCain or Obama-Huckabee election seems like a much more grown-up process.

8:23 p.m.: The MSNBC panel is agreeing that the primary season has been "perfect" for Rudy Giuliani. He is presently running a distant fourth in New Hampshire and lost badly in Iowa. The mind reels.

8:34 p.m.: In news that actually matters, I am not happy with Rich Rodriguez's effort to chase Ryan Mallet out of town and to essentially predict Mario Manningham's departure when retention appears to be an open question. I like my coaches to shut the fuck up in public, please. I'm trying to be positive and keep an open mind, I swear, but he isn't making it easy.

8:44 p.m.: Nothing happening, so I will briefly pimp a blog I like that I don't see cited many other places. Any time I miss the Midwest, it's a good antidote.

8:54 p.m.: Outside of the Bush family, no one in American politics is more insufferable than Mitt Romney.

8:55 p.m.: I have a sickening case of Clinton fatigue already. The whole thing is like a nightmare on re-run. That idiot Ann Lewis is back, speaking for the campaign on MSNBC. In her Iowa speech, the camera showed Madeline Albright, Wes Clark and Bill Clinton in the background, and I had this sick flopping feeling in my gut. All that's missing was Janet Reno and Dick Morris and some wretched betrayal of Lani Guinier. I keep trying to persuade myself that I can support her. It does not feel good at all.

9:11 p.m.: This is going to be my last evening of live-blogging. Right now, I feel a lot like this:


Thankfully, John McCain is giving a dull, hackish, standard Republican acceptance speech, because otherwise I'd be having an imaginary three-way negotiation between myself, Hillary Clinton and the devil about whether I could vote Republican instead of Clinton.

9:26 p.m.: The MSNBC people disapprove of McCain's speech. It was dull, but the cackling and hooting is a little much. I guess it was the reverse Dean Scream.

9:33 p.m.: Clinton is going to win tonight, and goddammit fuckitall motherfuck, and this is what I get for thinking voters in this country would do the right thing for once. Shit.

10:33 p.m.: NBC New Hampshire for Clinton. Brian Williams calls Sen. Clinton "the new comeback kid." Vomit.

It's on to Assassin's Creed. Good night.

11:20 p.m.: “I listened to you,” said Mrs. Clinton. “And in the process I found my own voice.”

As always with the Clintons, it comes back to narcissism and condescension. I cannot fathom why people support her.

I kan haz kawkus LOLzy? Another liveblogging experience

Why, hello friends.

There's an informal tradition on this site that political spectacles get a special live-blogging treatment. This tries all of our patience, true, but what else is new?

Tonight:


I'm going to be flipping between MSNBC's maniacal belching and the maniacal belching of the Fox team announcing the Orange Bowl. At around 9 p.m., Chris Matthews joined Keith Olberman on a set that resembles nothing less than a day-glo blue electronic cathedral. I'm not much into aesthetics myself, so upon regarding something and thinking, "My, that's hideous," perhaps it's a sign that something is going wrong.

Matthews already has declared Obama a "man of the third world" and a Kenyan, then said that if Obama wins Iowa it will be as big as Ronald Reagan beating Jimmy Carter in 1980. Not quite, but the man just gets so excitable that he loses control of the syllables that spill out of that Stay-Puft little head.

9:06 p.m.: MSNBC has called the Republican race for Huckabee. I've got a little fondness for him, but we're not here to talk about that kind of stuff tonight.

9:07 p.m.: Oh, hi, friends. Dinner has just been delivered, from a nice little restaurant called Odessa on Avenue A. I shall be dining on the Odessa Dinner Combination, a nice little platter that includes a stuffed cabbage, kielbasa and pierogies. It promises to be delicious. Won't you join me? Pour yourself a nice cup of cocoa, snuggle up by the hearth, and let's enjoy a cold winter's night of caucusing, Orange Bowl and fellowship.

9:13 p.m.: The lovely and very bright panel on MSNBC are ringing the death bells of Mitt Romney's campaign (this would please me enormously) and predicting a McCain-Huckabee contest. Wouldn't that be nice?

9:16 p.m.: In news that actually matters, I'm learning that Kansas is beating Virginia Tech 10-0 early in the second quarter. This would be another nice surprise after the West Virginia win yesterday and the Michigan win on Tuesday, right? I've really enjoyed Todd Reesing this fall, and the portly visage of his large-pored coach, and would be pretty delighted to see a Kansas upset. And you know, I really dislike most Cinderellas in college football -- Cinderella is a euphemism for unexposed, Colt Brennan. Kansas, on the other hand, has often played very good football. This would be a nice win.


9:21 p.m.: Chris fuckin' Matthews is preoccupied with establishing a narrative that we'll have a presidential race between a Kenyan and an evangelical preacher.

9:25 p.m.: Goodness, friends! MSNBC has called the caucus for Iowa. That could bring this experience to a quick conclusion. Cue Chris Matthews: "This is Lexington and Concord. ... a guy named Barack Hussein Obama ... grew up in Indonesia ... on a victory projectile to win the Democratic nomination." Matthews also went on at great length about Nancy Pelosi's challenges as Senate majority leader.

9:29 p.m.: Chris Matthews has identified this evening as a triumph for blacks and a setback for women. Mr. Matthews shall not be invited to dine at my hearth and sip the house cocoa.

9:31 p.m.: Kansas 17, Virginia Tech 0. I just invented a cheer: "Hook 'em, 'hawks!"

9:39 p.m.: Sad news: VaTech just scored, friends. 17-7 with 1:24 left in the half. I caught the tail end of the drive. If Fox's announcers are to be credited, Virginia Tech has just found success with the run, and should continue to run.

9:42 p.m.: Serious Interval. I really despise when political journalists go out to the countryside and marvel at that thoughtfulness of the yeomen who participate in the political process. This is wrong for two reasons. First reason: No shit there are people not living in metropolises who know things and give a damn. Second reason: I'm sure plenty of those people are petty, vengeful, ignorant pricks, too. Just because they went to public school doesn't make them marvels.

9:54 p.m.: Chris Matthews to Obama campaign manager: "What is your candidate's appeal to younger women as opposed to older women?"

9:57 p.m.: Oh, gracious, friends. I'm sad to report that the halftime show of the Orange Bowl features ZZ Top playing "Sharp Dressed Man" while a squadron of girls in shiny silver dresses shake their booties on the field. It's like an early Puffy video for the trailer park set. (I can say this because I am both an Eastern elite and a member of the trailer park set.)


10:04 p.m.: I will vote Duncan Hunter for president if he promises that Fox will never have another BCS contract.

10:17 p.m.: Odd. Fox announcers just reported that Kansas was concerned about in-game rain because Todd Reesing's hands "are not real big." Huh.

10:21 p.m.: I know what Barack Obama, John Edwards and Mike Huckabee are not: vacant-eyed robot Stepford candidates who have lived depraved existences dedicated to the accumulation of power. There are many reasons not to like them, but it might be nice to wake up one morning in 2009 with a president who has lived a normal life and done many normal things, whether or not we personally can identify with those things.

10:26 p.m.: How is your cocoa? Tasty? Yum.

More high horse, friends! I have learned to live with the possibility of a second Clinton presidency. Flanked by Bill, Madeline Albright, Tom Vilsack and Wes Clark, she gave a great little concession speech focused more on the Democratic Party than her own candidacy. I really liked it. It was a little pep rally for a Democratic victory in November. But you watch that crew and hope that their time has passed. They've been visionless leaders, and if they're slightly less responsible than their rival dynasty for the past 20 years of untrammeled greed, dishonesty and bloodlust, they carry a significant share of the responsibility, regardless of party affiliation. Obama, Edwards and Huckabee are all game-changers. Hillary Clinton is part of the problem. I would love for that era to pass.

Now is the time on Cole Slaw when we dance.

We're on to you, Rudy

Can anyone photoshop an Indians hat onto a picture of Hillary?

Apparently, Rudy Giuliani is getting his ass kicked in the polls in New York right now by the woman who was all set to kick his ass in the 2000 Senate election, Hillary Clinton.

Awwww, too bad we know all about what a douche you are, Rudy! Also, your beloved Yankees just drove their Hall of Fame manager and shortstop third baseman out of town after a loss to the Cleveland Indians. The Hall of Fame closer may yet follow. Bow before my hometown.

Bow before the enlightened electorate of the Empire State!

A madman's latest

President Bush has always defied caricature by being so over-the-top stupid and evil that an honest assessment of him sounds like hyperbole. Shrill, even.

I'll spare everyone a heated reprisal of his most awful moments to date. (OK, a few: "Please, don't kill me;" "You've covered your ass, now;" "I know they're here somewhere;" "Bring it on;" etc.).

But what do you say when he wants to make sure kids who didn't take personal responsibility to have rich parents don't have health insurance? I'm really not exaggerating when I say that. His view, doubtless shared by many serious conservatives who don't have to worry about this shit, is that it would be inappropriate for the government to expand a successful, popular program that provides health insurance to kids whose parents are unable to do so.

(I mean, this is a perfect, gift-wrapped data point to back up my Unified Theory of Republican-Conservative Philosophy; Namely: "If something bad is happening to someone else, it's just not my problem, and caring about it would be an inappropriate reaction.)

Although the combination of a deeply unpopular, radical, lame-duck president with an opposition Congress is certainly a potential problem, this isn't some petulant, scorched-earth tactic. Bush isn't kicking over the sand castle to spite everyone else. This is an honest attempt to enshrine a conservative* policy. And if some kids have to get sick or die, well, you can't make a wonderful omlette of conservative utopian policies without breaking a few eggs. By which we mean kids, apparently. Lovely.

August has always been the month in which he got the most people killed.

* I was going to have a cute little moment here when an old conservative comes back from the dead to wag his (undoubtedly, right) finger at me for calling the modern Republican party conservative, when it's clearly a just a coalition of business interests, religious extremists, xenophobic bigots and citizens crazed with fear and clinging to whatever authoritarian branch they can find. But my mind has been so warped by a lifetime of equating "conservativism" with the tofurky pot pie served up by Reagan, Thatcher, et al that the exercise was threatening to sink the whole post. If you must, pretend the ghost of Edmund Burke came back or something.

RAWK! Liveblogging a muthafuckin' filibuster

10:15 p.m.: As we join the action in media res, Sen. Joe Lieberman (Ind.-Conn.) is giving head to a racehorse.

That's not exactly accurate. For those who don't have pay subscriptions to Congressional Quarterly or Roll Call's website, this filibuster involves the Levin-Reid Amendment, which would establish a timeline for withdrawing troops from Iraq.

He's already given a long lesson on the importance of the filibuster, which involved misquoting James Madison as saying something about coffee. At some point he abruptly segued into a digression about how Iranians screaming "Death to America" don't distinguish between Republicans and Democrats.

10:27 p.m.: Lieberman spells the word "goal." "G-O-A-L, goal." It's very Go-Team!

"Who does it bite?" he then asks. "I think it bites our hope for success in Iraq. It bites our troops ... It bites our hope for keeping Al Qaida and Iran out of controlling Iraq."

You can't bite hope, smart guy. You can bite a racehorse's boner, Joe Lieberman, but hope can't be bitten. It's not actually a thing with feathers. I have a suggestion for something that Lieberman himself can bite. And I'm sure that if my longtime friend Bitey, the gentlewoman from Tennessee were there, she would take umbrage at the root of her good name being dragged through the gutter by the likes of you, sir.

10:33 p.m.: Fucking hell, man. This reminds me why I donated to Ned Lamont.

10:37 p.m.: Lieberman: "You can't fight Al Qaida if you withdraw from Iraq." I'd like to keep this light, but I find myself becoming pissed.

10:38 p.m.: "I know people laugh and jest when people say if you don't defeat them there you'll be fighting them here." Yes, fucker. Yes.

My bad-assed collection of books on Bush and Iraq. For funnier pictures, click here.

10:43 p.m.: "I know that cots have been brought in tonight to allow Senators to sleep during parts of the night when they're not required on the floor. What I hope this does is wake up the Senators." Good luck, dick, because you're putting those poor bastards to sleep.

10:44 p.m.: He actually believes that the occupation of Iraq is a proxy war against Iran.

10:49 p.m.: In more important news than Joe Lieberman's fever dreams:

Save David Vitter's Penis

10:51 p.m.: Joe Lieberman, what the fuck is up with you and teeth? Did you just utter the phrase "a reasonable hope of victory from whose jaws this amendment would snatch defeat"? Who picks your mastication metaphors?

10:52 p.m.: Hey, fuckers! It's Sherrod Brown! Lieberman's done!

For those who don't know, whenever Sherrod Brown enters the Senate chamber he's accompanied by the Lovely Elizabeth. He's adorned in a purple velvet robe, and the spotlights make the sweat shine on his pectorals.

But Sherrod's looking a little rough tonight. Ever see Mr. Smith Goes to Washington? The movie about filibusters, when Jimmy Stewart plays a scout-mad bachelor senator, obsessed with young scouts, who gives a long filibuster to preserve land for the young, succulent scouts of his district? By the end of the filibuster he is sweating and unshaved, aflame with passion for scouts -- the young, supple scouts, his life for them! -- and the Republic.

Is this film pro-NAMBLA propaganda?

Sherrod Brown looks kind of like that right now. Only he's not talking about his love of those fresh, youthful, succulent scouts, the way that Jimmy Stewart did in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. He's just a little unkempt.

11:07 p.m.: Sherrod Brown is a card-carrying bad-ass, the Paul Wellstone heir, the real deal, but his speech is disappointingly even-tempered and mature. He barely gets in any good slams. Best he can muster: "That stubbornness is not leadership. That defensiveness is not leadership." Later, he uses the phrase "partisan antics and petty political gains."

Dude. I just endured 30 minutes of Joe Lieberman, waiting for you to filibust a cap in somebody's ass.

Thanks a lot.

11:07 p.m.: Susan Collins (R-Maine), sister of Joan Collins and Jackie Collins, speaks.

I think she's talking in iambic pentameter, and that one of the first phrases she used was "hard on."

11:07 p.m.: "Vitriolic rhetoric and veto threats." Lots of alliteration from serious senators placed in powerful positions. She has her sister's flair for language.

There's a resemblance, you see.

11:12 p.m.: Susan Collins's breathy oratory reminds me of the prose of her equally talented sister, Jackie. Since Susan, the "smart" sister, isn't saying much of interest, I'd like to treat you to an excerpt of Lovers and Players, written by Jackie, the "creative" sister:

“Never forget it pays the bills, girl,” said Cindi, a buxom twenty-three-year-old originally from Atlanta, with gleaming black skin, thick ankles, an ample ass, huge breasts, and a wide, inviting smile.
***
Bi-racial, the product of a black mother and what she assumed was a mixed father---a man her mother refused to talk about, let alone reveal his identity---Liberty was milk chocolate skinned, with lustrous long black hair, elongated green eyes, thick brows, impossibly long lashes, cut-glass cheekbones, full lips, a pointed chin, and a straight nose. Cindi was always carrying on about how Liberty looked like Halle Berry, which kind of irritated her, because she considered herself an original and did not care to be compared to anyone---however gorgeous and successful they might be.

Liberty was nineteen. She had plenty of time.
***
“Rude little bitch!” Liberty heard the woman mutter to her male companion as she walked away from the table. “Who does she think she is?”

Liberty was not bothered, she’d been called worse.

She was just about to go into the back when she spotted Mr. Hip-Hop himself walking in.
***
Cindi, who was up on everything showbiz, soon filled her in. Cindi devoured Essence, Rolling Stone, People, Us, Star, and The National Enquirer. She watched Access, ET, Extra, and E! every single day. “That dude is famous, married, rich, an’ way outta your reach,” Cindi had informed her. “Forget it, girl,’cause this big boy ain’t lookin’.”

Full excerpt available on jackiecollins.com.

Now available in paperback.

11:23 p.m.: We're on to Bob Menendez, and what we're seeing is the future cast of a season of The Surreal Life.

Like, Menendez and Lieberman and Collins, and Jackie Collins, Linda Evans and Dustin Diamond, they're in this house, you see, and Dustin Diamond throws a half-eaten turkey sandwich at Lieberman, which hits him in he eye and screws up his contact lens, and the producers have to get involved because Lieberman is talking about assault charges, and now he's got mayonnaise from that sandwich leaving a grease stain on his tie, and how he feels unsafe living in the same house with Dustin, so immediately we all remember that earlier season of The Surreal Life when Rob "Vanilla Ice" Van Winkle was the hot-tempered difficult housemate, and Lieberman starts raving at Diamond about Iran and calls him a Jihadi, and Menendez is all, "That's racist, sir! You are a racist!" Diamond tries to make up with Lieberman -- "Hug it out, bitch," he says, because Dustin Diamond is precisely the kind of person who thinks quotes from Entourage are witty (Did you notice his cameo in that shitty Vince Vaughn/Jon Favreau vehicle Made? That was one bullshit movie; I think I saw it in the theater.) -- and the Collinses, Susan and Joan, are all, "That's misogynist, sir! You are a misogynist!" And Dustin Diamond is so pissed that the house is ganging up on him, that everyone is "against" him and no one "understands" him, that he quits the show in a rage and moves back to Milwaukee.

And then the producers of The Surreal Life replace him with Mike Lookinland.

Might as well write a long hypothetical, because Menendez is giving me nothing.

11:39 p.m.: Menendez is making a very serious speech, but it's not particularly interesting or original.

Joe Lieberman's rhetoric on teeth cannot be the high point of my evening. Where the fuck is Howell Heflin when you need him?

That's right... He's dead.

11:55 p.m.: Hey, fuckers. I have a behind-the-scenes story to share. I paused Tivo and this live blog to take a shower and shave, because shaving before bed shaves (ha!) five minutes off my morning and gives me more time to sleep in. So I've been behind, and I'm going to fast forward the shit out of Bob Menendez.

11:56 p.m.: Quorum roll call time.

12:02 a.m.: OMG the quorum roll call went wrong and the speaker pro temp just slipped and said, "Mrs. Brownback," LOL.

12:18 a.m.: We're 22 minutes into the vote all we've got is a live shot of the Senate floor. My eyes, they are ineluctably drawn toward Debbie Stabenow.

12:22 a.m.: Upon reflection, present-day Mike Lookinland resembles Bob Eubanks.

12:31 a.m.: Fucking hell, man, it's Johnny Isakson (R-Ga.). My ears briefly prick up because he uses the phrase "University of Georgia cheerleader," but he's talking about a guy who enlisted.

No good cheerleading material ... yet.

12:40 a.m.: Now it's Daniel Akaka.

And I'm tired, and I'm starting to feel like a bit of a dick for making fun of people who are talking about something I care about.

Before I go to bed, another excerpt from Lovers & Players, by Ms. Jackie Collins:

"What’s your name, dear?” the bald man with an abundance of hair sprouting from his ears inquired.

“Liberty,” the young waitress replied.

“What’s that?” he said, peering at her.

“Liberty,” she repeated. It’s written on my nametag, asshole. Can’t you see it?

“What kind of name---”

Oh, puleeze! You got any idea how many times I’ve had to go through this conversation? Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their baby Apple. Courteney Cox and David Arquette, Coco. What’s so unusual about Liberty?

What's so unusual about liberty, indeed.

12:41 a.m. (It's Flop; my first update got accidentally deleted, but que sera ...). I just got finished watching Sen. Isakson from Georgia with some sob-story about how we must continue to stay in Iraq so that it's not in vain for those who died. So basically, he's advocating a pyramid scheme of dead bodies. Soldier 1 dies, but we can't pull out because if we do his death is in vain. So that's why Soldier 2 dies. But we still haven't succeeded, so Soldier 3 goes into the breach. Once he's killed, we still haven't succeeded, but to save the lives of all the other still living soldiers would mean that those first three soldiers died in vain. So Soldier 4 must go off and die. And so on and so on.

This is truly frightening logic, cloaked in just enough reasonable-sounding rhetoric to carry the day at a dinner table or on TV or among people who make all their decisions on impulse. Which, I suppose, is true of almost all Republican policies.

These people are awful. OK, the nice old man Daniel Akaka is done speaking and crazy-ass Tom Coburn M.D. (!!!) is taking the floor. As Helena Bonham Carter's character said in Fight Club : "Oh, here comes an avalanche of bullshit."

12:55 a.m. The Flopster here, rocking you through the night. Coburn was talking about the Persian Empire earlier, and making scary comments about how they might be trying to take over the world! OMG! Ahmadinejad fancies himself a Darius for a New Persian Century! Man the phalanx! I'm always amazed at all the historical references the batshit right can come up with. This is just like in WWII, when Chamberlain wanted to give Saddam the Sudetenland. No, this is like when the Ottoman empire was trying to invade Vienna. No, they want a new caliphate. OMG! The Moops are coming! They're going to take over the U.S. like they did in Spain! Along with the Mexicans! Is it a coincidence that there's a city in California called Alhambra? OMFG!!!!! They're coming for us!!! NGAHHHHH!

Ahem.

Where was I? Oh yes, Coburn is talking. He looks like an absolute snake. I would not trust him to remove a booger from my nose, let alone my appendix. I'd let Frist operate on me first.

Coburn is now talking about how the American people need to learn about the consequences of us leaving Iraq. Yes, there's nothing Iraqi people want more than us to stay there and keep Iraq in it's current stable, peaceful state.

Also, he would like us to consider what would happen if the United States might have to eventually return to the Middle East. You know what, asshole, we'll just cross that bridge when we come to it.

Hey, if only we'd left our doughboys in northern France after Amiens, World War II would never have happened! Great idea! And we struggled so much in Vietnam because we didn't have troops stationed there starting in 1954.

OK, now he's being so stupid I can't keep up. I leave you with these words of wisdom from Oklahoma's more-crazy Senator. (And yes, out-crazying James Inhofe is a feat.)

"Darfur's going to seem like a blip on a screen compared to what's going to happen in Iraq if we leave."

So true, asshole. And just look how bogged down we've gotten there.

1:11 a.m. Tom Harkin sighs, as if to say "Man, digging out from under that mountain of manure is going to be tough work." He's reminding us about what a bloodbath Vietnam became after we left, making what happened in Cambodia look like a blip on a screen. And now he's pulled out a giant posted that reads "Let Us Vote."

If I had photoshop, I'd totally take the picture of a pretty lady and put it on a photo of the poster on the easel. Probably this one, because I really like it:

Someone's been doing crunches, I see.

Harkin seems to be delivering a wonderfully understated takedown here, but come on man. It's after 1 a.m. Let's have some passion. I'm not asking for some Preston Brooks action here, but let's see some fire.

1:28 a.m. I just did 50 crunches.

1:30 a.m. A friend who is actually staying up and watching (and possibly even reading) asks: Do you think Lieberman voted for Bush in 2004? I bet he did. In fact, I bet he voted for Bush in 2000. Too bad the election didn't come down to Connecticut, instead of Florida. It could have been like in Election, when that one dude votes for Tracy Flick instead of himself, and winds up swinging the election.

Also, I like to imagine Holy Joe praying and thanking God for "what I'm told is a large penis."

Of course, in this case, he's referring to the one on the horse he's busy fellating in the cloakroom.

1:35 a.m. I wonder if Surge is the official soda of the Republican party. I bet there's cases of that shit on ice in the Republican cloakroom to keep everyone awake.

1:53 a.m. Wow, someone's all hopped up on sugar, caffeine and a witches' brew of hate, stupidity and xenophobia. Ladies and gentlemen, Sen. John Thune, R-S.D.!

"We're taking a lot of casualties in Iraq ... because that's where they are killing our soldiers. That's the reason we're taking on casualties in Iraq because that is where our soldiers are."

"We move troops to Afghanistan they'll start killing our troops there, because that's what they are and that's what they do. They are killers, whose goal is to kill Americans. And they're going to keep coming at us. And I really don't think sometimes our colleagues on the other side see this for what it is, a titanic struggle between good and evil between radical Islam and nations that cherish freedom."

John Thune is the Tim McCarver of foreign policy. If Tim McCarver were a bigoted, fearmongering douchelord who conflates basically everyone in southwestern Asia into "they" who want to kill us. They, they they, fear, fear, fear, kill, kill kill.

Now he's bemoaning Democrat (sic) comments on the unpopularity of the war as the "politicization of the war on terror."

Nothing gives Republicans the vapors like the politicization of important policy aims. That and tender, yet ardent man-sex within the confines of marriage.

1:54 a.m. McCain sighting! Yay, war, yay Iraq. This is the second senator I can't believe I voted for. True story, I voted for him in the 2000 Michigan primary, mainly because I feared the momentum Bush had. Also, at the time, he seemed like a reasonable, respectable Republican, the kind I might have once voted for in earnest, three years earlier or so.

2:02 a.m. Webb jumps in! Asks Thune if he thinks the members of the armed forces are likely to have the same diversity of views as the American public. Thune is clearly getting uneasy at the idea of engaging Webb in debate. He's saved by the bell, however, when the president (McCaskill, I think) clarifies that the Senator with the floor can only yield for a question. Thune shows no further interest in yielding time, reclaims it and and, like a kid whose big brother has just shown up, sticks his tongue out at Webb. (Actually, he just made some comment about how maybe Webb should go talk to the troops in Iraq, rather than the ones who have returned home.)

Thune, you are a total pussy. I bet it sucks to live in fear.

2:06 a.m. Maria Cantwell has the floor. For a Senator, she's pretty foxy. Not quite Loretta Sanchez-caliber, but hey -- this is the Senate, it's a much more exclusive club.

2:09 a.m. Our Ozarks bureau chief checks in. He points out that Mark Pryor, D-Ark, won't be speaking tonight because he, like John Thune, has no balls. Also, he has no opinions and never talks at all. Now seems like the time to point out that said bureau chief once bought me a bottle of wine from Arkansas, which actually had the outline of the state on the label.

I haven't had it yet. I'm saving it.

If Pryor doesn't speak, I'll buy said chief a beer next time he's in town. Speaking of, I might take a break for a bit. I'll return if anything truly stupid happens.

2:10 a.m.-4:10 a.m. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine), Debbie Stabenow (D-Mich.), and an especially smug and prickish Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.), take the floor, with an interlude from John McCain, who then takes the floor for good around 4 a.m. I bet if I ever met Jeff Sessions he'd so piss me off that within five minutes I'd be like "Admiral Farragut says hello" and "Man, that 2000 Orange Bowl sure was something."

4:13 a.m. While he's gesturing at a map of the middle east and probably jabbering on about some bullshit, McCain's cell phone goes off. He silences it without missing a beat. Say what you will, but the man's a pro. Question: Who's calling him at that time? Shortly thereafter, a sleepy looking Hillary Clinton takes the floor. I know it's like a law or something that all writing about Hillary Clinton must focus on her appearance or some other superficial aspect of her, but in this case it's valid. Does she just eschew caffeine? She's talking slowly and fuzzily, as if her tongue suddenly got about three times heavier than normal. Was there not a single aide waiting by her cot with a fucking Starbucks Doubleshot or a Red Bull or some shit? Crikey.

5 a.m. or so. The newest senator, John Barasso adresses the Senate for the first time. Good for him, is my first thought, but upon seeing his stupid tie (a four-in-hand pulled tight down to the size of a grape; I find this very irritating for some reason) and his support for the war, I've had enough. Huzzah for him, he'll always remember the time he first addressed the Senate at 5 in the morning. I bet he votes like a loyal, war-loving Republican.

5:20 a.m. QUORUM CALL, MOTHERFUCKERS! This quorum is going to get the FUCK called out of it. I can just tell.

5:29 a.m. I just invented a new rule to live by. And that rule is: Any time I'm watching C-SPAN2 after 5:30 in the morning and the only action is a quorum call, I'm going to bed.

5:30 a.m. Guess what? I'm going to bed. It's been real.