Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Tournament of Everything: Road to the Final Four

Can a championship be decided without an interlude for hype? Not on this blog. Let's take a look back at the paths our four contestants trod to reach the Final Four held at Gertie's Crab Shack in scenic Bivalve, Md.

Devil's Lake Champion: Animal House

This No. 2 seed is fresh off an epic win over the top-seeded Sistine Chapel. Animal House also bumped off upstart 14 seed Estes Kefauver, whose giant Tennessee Assboot of Righteousness was washed out by a river of booze. The lads of Delta House also made quick work of Contact Lenses and Butter. But they'll have their work cut out for them against the ...
Ann Arbor Champion: Bob Dylan

America's contemporary Walt Whitman won the tilt of the tournament so far, beating the Rose Bowl in an incredible, quintuple-overtime battle. He also took Loreley Beer Garden to task and chewed up two British products _ Exile on Main Street and Foxhunting _ and shat them out like so many leaves of grass. But did his big win over The Granddaddy of Them All leave Mr. Zimmerman overconfident and looking ahead to maybe ...

International Waters Champion: The Sumerians

The only remaining No. 1 seed has torn through the tournament as if it were a more warlike civilization, laying waste to Jacques Cousteau, The Industrial Revolution
Hungary, and Paper Towels in ways that would make sharks, Ned Ludd, Balkans and liquid spills of all kinds green with envy. Of course, being a peaceful, civilized people, the Sumerians would probably just enjoy beating their semifinal opponent as much as they'd enjoy sitting down and watching ...

Cleveland Champion: Rushmore

The lowest-seeded Final Four team, No. 5 Rushmore was clearly underseeded. It's blend of laughter, tears and sublime absurdity has served it well in matchups with Procrastination, Prague, Caffeine and media darling Roald Dahl. In fact, the Max Fischer players probabably have the all-around most likeable collection of scalps in the tournament. Will they be able to add to them?

1 comment:

Crunk Raconteur said...

Max Fischer is the Carmelo Anthony of the CSBToE.