Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Fuck it all.

Internal Monologue

Internal Voice 1: I hate this heat. I wish I were dead.

Internal Voice 2: Keep thinking about October and college football. Kickoff is less than 8 weeks away.

Internal Voice 1: This is like having the flu, except that it never goes away.

Internal Voice 2: Sucks to be you.

Internal Voice 1: I hate summer people.

Internal Voice 2: Naturally. But the people who are happy now, they're the ones you get to look down on when they bitch about snow.

Internal Voice 1: I could be living in Alaska. But no, I'm all excellent and shit and live in New York, and now I'm here, in hell.

Internal Voice 2: Hey, asshole. You get like this every summer. Remember how nice it will be in mid-October, when you get out of bed on Saturday morning with the windows open. The temperature will be in the 40s and it will be a football Saturday.

Internal Voice 1: Summer is like being in a long line for the men's room. You know how I recite the alphabet backwards when I'm in line for the men's room at a bar, when I need to take a piss. I'm waiting and waiting for it to end, so I do whatever I can to distract myself. In summer, all I want is cold days, football and a new Hold Steady album. Fall is taking that piss and summer is that line, only summer has fucked-up kidneys and bladder disease.

Internal Voice 2: Summer as bladder disease! I like it.

Internal Voice 1: I am full of anger and regret.

Internal Voice 2: You're a melodramatic pussy.

Internal Voice 1: See you after Labor Day.


Update: Now with More Outrage! Things I hate extra-bad in the summer include text messages, feelings, soccer, sweaters, summer blockbusters, smiles, laughter, the Republican primaries, soothing music, contaminated water, blackouts, typhoid, diarrhea, soup, sweets, hugs, barfing, glands, scents generally, seeing things, hearing things, taste, touch, movement and technology.

Update II: Helpful tips on surviving the summer! Lie in front of the air conditioner in your boxers. Only eat cold cereal. Don't make eye contact or talk to other people. Drink nine gallons of water daily. Think about football. Give yourself bruises -- hurting yourself reminds you that you can control your pain, too. Avoid sunlight.

Update III: I just watched this clip again and the world felt right. This is Requiem for a Dream territory that I'm in, and I'd happily see my arm sawed off for a big fix.

8 comments:

crimenotes said...

This is the most worthless thing that I've written in a year.

Oh well.

dmbmeg said...

Seriously. You're fine.

Cock D said...

Ahhhh - nothing fixes everything like a little Yakety-Sax and footage of last year's beat down of the Papists.

I can't wait till Brady puts up a similar performance agaisnt the Steelers!!!!

voidoid said...

I can't figure out of the Brady Quinn footage is a dig aimed more at ND fans or at flop.

CrimeNotes said...

Good morning.

dmbmeg: Just reading that made me feel better.

cock d: It fixed some things, exacerbated others, and made me very excited.

voidoid: My posting of the footage was aimed at neither -- more a memento of a time when life felt just. It takes me away to that special place, and if I'd stare too long I'd probably break down and cry-y.

Irish and Jew said...

Last year I lived without AC because my 2 roommates were f'ing out of their minds. i swear i lost 20lbs last summer just from sweating in my sleep. But despite it, I admit I'm way more a summer person then a winter person. I will be crying come November.

Cheers,
Irish

DrunkBrunch said...

I eat cold cereal for dinner all the time. It helps me stay cool, and well, I work in nonprofit. Cereal is cheaper than take-out.

winston said...

cn, hon, why don't you take some of those megabucks and get yourself an air conditioner? drape yourself over all those delicious BTUs and watch tivo'd episodes of "cheers." everything will seem okay again.