Monday, July 30, 2007

Miracle of flight

Tom Snyder, Bill Walsh and Ingmar Bergman all in one day? That's some good company, unless you're Odile Crick and you get upstaged.

For half the day NPR led its hourly news updates with the mysterious fall that Chief Justice John Roberts took at his vacation home in Maine, necessitating hospitalization. I was all, "Whoah: must be a stroke," and I wasn't happy at the prospect, and then it turned out that he had a seizure of some kind, and then a person starts to get a bit concerned.*

Today was full of drama and developments. The FBI just searched Ted Stevens's home; Gonzalez might be impeached; Chelsea Clinton is a courteous and likable young woman.

None of this has been the top news of the past 24 hours, because last night Sam McGuffie gave a verbal commitment to Michigan. I tell myself that I don't like recruiting and therefore ignore it, but there isn't much else interesting in the off-season, so I break down. The collective unconscious of the Michigan fanbase anointed McGuffie this summer. He's a 5'11 backflipping Baby Jesus, if Baby Jesus were a white runningback from Texas who leaps and does awesome flips. One very excitable prophet proclaims:

"I personally believe that, if McGuffie chooses Michigan, he could win a Heisman. God has not created a more harmonious match than McGuffie's running style and the zone running game."

McGuffie flips out.

MGoBlog christened yesterday McGuffageddon and starting at around 7 p.m. I executed regular Google searches to see if the Backflipping Baby Jesus had picked us.

I read on some message board that Sam McGuffie was on the Cy-Fair swim team his freshman year, but then got disqualified because he always ran across the water. After Cy-Fair's first home game last fall, Sam McGuffie wanted to celebrate, so he took five loaves of bread and two fishes, and made fish tacos for the entire crowd of 4,000. At practice, Sam McGuffie isn't allowed to drink water, because the water always turns into wine, and everyone knows that high school kids are too young to drink at football practice. Sam McGuffie's geometry teacher had a shriveled hand: Sam decided to heal it, but when he touched it the teacher's hand turned into an awesome bear paw. One day Sam McGuffie brought salvation to a prostitute who spammed his MySpace profile; she's now an assistant professor in Michigan's Classics Department. On the bus ride home from a game last fall, Sam McGuffie saw a fig tree through the window. The fig tree made Sam angry, so he yelled at the fig tree and it withered.

Sam McGuffie can fly!



It would be nice to make friends with Chelsea and Sam McGuffie. Maybe someday the Jets will draft McGuffie and he'll be here in the city, and some night I'll attend some function and they'll both be there, and we'll all hit it off. Not in a good-friends way, but in a way where you meet for dinner once every six months at a nice restaurant and talk about things like leaping, health care policy and favorite pies.

*Don't misread me. I'm disappointed in the guy, but I don't wish ill on him and don't have the stomach for another Supreme Court appointment in this Administration.

23 comments:

dmbmeg said...

Whatever. I can do that.

CrimeNotes said...

If by "that," you mean have a seizure and fall down, I believe you.

dmbmeg said...

assface.

Crunk Raconteur said...

I am very curious as to what would happen if the Bush Administration were to get another Supreme Court pick (curious in a "the very thought chills me to my very core" kind of way). Schumer has basically said that there is no way they are going to approve another Bush appointment, and it has the makings of quite a showdown...

As for Roberts, I'm pretty amused (and by amused, I mean I chuckle sarcastically at them while shaking my head) about all the people who are so surprised that this guy, who said all the right moderate-sounding platitudes during his confirmation hearings, has turned out to be so consistently hard-right-wing.

Who could have ever guessed that such a thing would happen! How could someone who's way right wing present himself as a moderate and fool us? Oh well, at least he didn't call himself a "compassionate conservative"...

Cock D said...

Hey - in other good news Michigan will be playing Notre Dame until I am well into my 50s.

W00t!!!!

Mr. Shain said...

crimenotes, i'd don't think meg needs to have a seizure to black out and fall down.

CrimeNotes said...

Good afternoon.

dmbmeg: ETIQUETTE.

crunky: I think the confirmation process was a little more nuanced than that.

cock d: I'm thrilled.

Shain: You're a very perceptive young man.

blythe said...

Dear Crimenotes,

You do realize, that when you say something like this to Mr. Shain, someone has to be there to listen to him go on and on about it, right? Please keep this in mind fr future comments.

Thank you,
Mgmt.

dmbmeg said...

YOU ARE BOTH ASSFACES.


Yes crimenotes, I'll watch my language being that this is a family blog and all.

CrimeNotes said...

Blythe -- After calling me an asshole and "douchey" in the comments, Mr. Shain is on the watch list. He'll be put in his place sooner or later, but given that he left a nicely honed comment, it's not happening today. (You two make a great couple, by the way.)

While I have the Oklahomans' attention, what's up with you guys blurbing me on your righthand columns, like it's the back of the book and I'm Anne Fucking Tyler praising how sensitively Joyce Carol Oates's new novel depicts menopause? First it was Mr. Shain, now it's the All Butter guy. I certainly don't mind; I'm just surprised.

Blythe, would like like a blurb, too?

CrimeNotes said...

Stop yelling at people, dmbmeg! ETIQUETTE!!!

dmbmeg said...

LOUD NOISES!!!

Alex said...

all butter guy? is that all i am to you?! you forget that cole slaw is a staple side item of most of the deep fried dishes that people in this part of the world regularly indulge in, which kind of makes you a big deal. i don't know what i'm talking about.

as for sam mcguffie, i really hope he doesn't get redshirted this year. i want to see him jump over the entire ohio state defensive line, and holy shit, can he break away from those high schoolers. its like he's a created player in NCAA or something.

blythe said...

Crimenotes -

Thanks for the offer, but I don't really need a blurb from you - but do you need one from me? It's ok to ask.

dmbmeg said...

whoa, am I on the right blog? I feel like this is Jebus's blog.

It's like fucking West Side Story here. Everyone's ready to rumble...

CrimeNotes said...

Butter: The McGuffie footage is incredible! They're probably going to discourage him from hurdling dudes at Michigan. In D-1 he'd be one false move away from a Joe Theisman-type disaster and a femur protruding at the thirty-yard line.

Blythe: No blurbs here! But if you want a blurb, I'll blurb about how your blurbs are superior to Mr. Shain's blurbs.

dmbmeg: Four possible explanations for today's combativeness. 1.) McGuffie makes people get crazy; 2.) your "assface" comment set the tone; 3.) Oklahomans are crazy; and 4.) bitches get punchy on Slawgust Eve.

blythe said...

correction: some okies are crazy. some are not. some are just bad at this whole blogging thing (me).

CrimeNotes said...

Awww ... by that I interpret that Mr. Shain just said something mean to you.

There shouldn't be this kind of self-doubt on McGuffie Day and Slawgust Eve.

blythe said...

You're right. Blurb me!

Crunk Raconteur said...

For the sake of Crimenotes's sanity, I certainly hope McGuffie does keep the attempted hurtlings to a minimum, or I'm quite sure that in the Big 10 the result will be his crumpled, unmoving form on the turf in Columbus or Madison or Happy Valley...

The Cajun Boy said...

that kid is sick. just sick. can't be white!

Mr. Shain said...

ok, i know i'm slow... two thoughts:

1. after reading it 13 times, the word "blurb" sounds funny.

2. on topic comments from cajun boy are just silly.

copyranter said...

also dying on this day:
Jerry Ringlien, creator of the Oscar Meyer jingle "My baloney has a first name"