Christmas 2005: a lexicon

Andersen, Hans Christian: (1805-1875) Danish writer of children's tales. He has no genealogical nexus to the Netherlands. Hence he is a Dane, and not a Dutchman.
basement: A place to go for being loud at 4 a.m.
bass, mounted: The preserved, sanitized, and displayed remains of a freshwater fish popular among sportsmen, which somebody's younger brother knocked from a wall, partially shattered, and attempted to conceal.
bed: A comfortable sleeping apparatus that may be destroyed by dogs. See also: boxspring; mattress. Ex: "The dogs were in such a frenzy that they destroyed my parents' bed." (see illustration)
boxspring: Bed component that may provide shelter to cats. Easily destroyed by dogs.
Brooklyn, New York: One of five boroughs comprising New York City, Brooklyn featured prominently in the popular television series Welcome Back, Kotter. Mocked and misunderstood by Upper Midwesterners. See also: Williamsburg.
cats: Domesticated mammals noted for indifference and good personal grooming.
chocolate: A popular candy celebrated for its sweetness and heavy texture. At least 10 pounds must be daily consumed from Dec. 22-26.
Confessions of An Economic Hitman: 2005 autobiography by John Perkins, sharply critical of the World Bank and American involvement in developing economies. Received as a gift from an aunt and uncle; having purchased and read the book myself, it was promptly re-gifted to my dad to counterbalance the Tom Friedman book he also received.
Corporation, The: 2003 feature documentary sharply critical of large commercial enterprises, screened by my parents on Christmas morning.
cousin: The offspring of an aunt or uncle. May procreate prolifically.
dogs: Friendly, domesticated mammals that lack self control. (see illustration)


eggs, poached: An underappreciated breakfast comprised of chicken offspring.
fistfight: Hypothetical physical altercation between me and a friend's younger brother, prompting angst as to who the friend should support.
Grand Rapids, MI: Conservative midwestern city of 100,000 residents with a metropolitan population of approximately 1 million. It has an airport.
Gunner Palace: 2004 documentary sharply critical of Iraqi occupation, screened by my parents shortly before I departed.
incest: A category of humor that should be sparingly deployed when referencing one's own immediate ancestors.
Jason: The name of a 25-year-old aspiring optometrist who threatened to beat me up.
Jell-O: A popular brand of edible gelatins. Heavily consumed in narrow demographics of the Upper Midwest.
laundry machine: A barricade for the protection of cats. (see illustration)


mattress: Padded strata comprising a significant portion of most beds. More difficult to destroy than a boxspring, and consequently dragged aside by dogs attempting to destroy beds.
snowball: Compacted sphere of frozen precipitation celebrated for its projectile qualities; may be forbidden by skittish late-night hosts.
Tim, Tiny: (1932-1996) Kitsch ukulele-playing entertainer from the 1960s and '70s whose rendition of the popular Christmas carol "O Holy Night" chagrins my parents.
voices, indoor: A manner of locution favored by the weak and weary.
Williams, DeAngelo: A Memphis runningback.
Williamsburg: A Brooklyn, NY neighborhood perceived by some as fashionable; home to a 24-year-old lady employed by Sony-BMG.
"Woodland Critter Christmas": A 2004 episode of the popular animated television program South Park, in which mountain lion cubs perform an abortion on a male fourth grader in order to expunge from his body a half-porcupine, half-Satan antichrist.
World is Flat, The: Nonfiction book by New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman. Notable for its antecolumbian geography theses.