Monday, December 12, 2005

Real-time blogging: The Gauntlet II

Cole Slaw Blog has been a little quiet lately. I can't speak for Flop, but there hasn't been much material that's caught my eye. True, I could have posted about my co-blogger's quasi-hazing of me last Friday (it was the usual -- 3 a.m. taunts that lead to overimbibing; erroneous speculations about my sex life in college) but that's old news.

Between highly enjoyable (yet civilized) Christmas parties, Bush-related outrage fatigue, and the end of the football season, I've hit a wall.

Leave it to the Real World/Road Rules Challenge to inspire some material. It's the poor man's Television Without Pity.

As you may recall from previous season, I love the Challenge. It is my guilty pleasure; my Desperate Housewives and Ultimate Fighting Championship rolled into one.

We begin with Jo from Real World San Francisco flipping the fuck out. Bitch is irate that chocolate syrup got poured on the floor and on her bed. Why did this happen? Her castmates were drunk and rowdy. Totally respectable in my world.

She calls the Trindidad/Tobago police and tells them she's' being attacked and manhandled. The cops show. Ruthie (RW-Hawaii) concludes that Jo "is just crazy," which is like Rep. Duke Cunnigham (R-Cal.) saying that someone has a corruption problem. "It's over!" Ruthie declares. "Crazy bitch is gone!"

It's challenge time. I can't explain it. It involves coconuts and bamboo sticks. Captain of the losing team: automatic Gauntlet. Either Adam (RR-desert) or Alton (RW-Vegas) will go to the Gauntlet. They both feel confident.

It's veterans versus rookies -- like Rep. John Murtha (D-Pa.) versus Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Ohio).

The coconut-and-bamboo challenge begins. The Veterans appear superior at hauling coconuts, and break a fast 15-5 lead. (Really, it's not worth explaining.) M.J. (RW-Philly) screws up, and rookies are down 28-9. Gap tightens to 38-29. Then, 85-80. Rookies up! 111-89. Then they're up 134-120. Later, it's 184-183. Tension! One second left and it's like Henne has Manningham open.

Most MTV commercials make me feel like I'm 80 and living in Mississippi. Tonight's are fine -- Tony Hawk video games, 40 Year Old Virgin on DVD. The Brittany Spears perfume ad is fucked up, kind of like the lousy Tom Cruise movie Legend from the mid-80's, with Brittany as a distressed woodland virgin. Spicy! Plus, the show Meet the Barkers looks like a fiasco.

Back from the break, and the rookies win. Huzzah! Julie (RW-New Orleans) gets pissed. [Electronics store] product placement. Derrick says, "Fuck that and fuck you too," for reasons I can't discern. Derrick and Adam will go to the Gauntlet in a game called "Name that Coconut." The host looks stoned and stupid. Derrick says that he's going to brush his teeth.

The Gauntlet is lame. It's a trivia contest about their 32 castmates. Names are written on coconuts, and they have to fight to get the right coconut. The producers of this show have run out of challenge ideas, no doubt.

Adam thinks Derrick has the advantage. I'm getting the correct answers to these questions. Adam and Derrick wrestle for coconuts.

Ad time! Promo for a show where spiteful, ugly teenagers get jealous when their significant others French others. Petty teenagers! Clearasil ad. Resident Evil 4 looks like a good video game, and I think I want it for Christmas now. I like to think I'm above it, but I guess I'm not impervious to ads, either. Fucking capitalism.

Cara (RR-South Pacific) thinks that Adam is the brains behind the Veterans team, which is akin to crediting Rep. Ben Jones (R-Ky.) as the brains of the Republican Congress. Adam is winning 2-1. I know the answers to all of these questions -- David had a relationship with a member of the casting department. No shit. I don't have a Ph.D in pre-2002 MTV reality shows for nothing, fools.

Derrick wins. Everyone on the show thinks Derrick sucks, and everybody likes Adam. I don't like either of them. Timmy (RR-Season 2) thinks Derrick has a lot to prove.

Derrick brags that he whooped the shit out of Adam. "It's good to be king," he says. Asshole. Dave (RW-Seattle) thinks Derrick's bravado will hurt the team.

The promo for next week looks lame, and there's a Hope & Crosby movie on Turner Classic Movies. Probably what I should've been watching in the first place.

1 comment:

Crunk Raconteur said...

See, the Britney commercial deserves a bit more blog time. Particularly the part where Federline shoots her with a "Magic Love Arrow". You know it's a "Magic Love Arrow" because they have a close up of it and it says very clearly on the side, "Magic Love Arrow".