Monday, July 17, 2006

This cat is poised to ruin your day

Meet Jeff the cat.

Jeff the cat practices the scariest, most thrilling violence since Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs.

This is not a joke.

His caretakers have a site that chronicles Jeff's exploits. They explain:
Though he doesn't really belong to us, we provide Jeff with food and water; however, this does little to lessen his killer instinct. To humans, Jeff is an exceptionally good-tempered and friendly cat; to rodents and other small animals, he is death itself.

It could be that Jeff likes to bring us gifts to repay our hospitality. Perhaps he is simply a hardwired killing machine. All we know for certain is that he hunts down a wide variety of small animals and disembowels, decapitates, and dines on them. Often.
Oh, Jeff is a hardwired killing machine. His very existence is the proof that there is no line between your purring tabby and the law of the jungle.

He is the most creative killer to ever stalk a lawn. With rodent parts, he is Jackson Pollack and Salvador Dali combined. He appears to have a very dark sense of humor.

This is a warning. This is not me being cute. It is an actual warning about graphic content.

If you click here you will see pictures of Jeff behaving like a casual housecat. But your eyes will be drawn to the links at left -- "The Kills." And you will click on one because you are curious, and then you will fear all cats. You will not believe your eyes. And if you are at work, you may quite possibly throw up on your keyboard.

Why am I writing about this?

Because I think I love the site, the same way I love old slasher movies and the George Romero zombie classics.

Because Jeff mixes horror and hilarity more effectively than Shaun of the Dead.

Because I'm not very classy.

Because I am generally not a fan of cats, and in a matter of seconds Jeff taught me about fear.

(Discovered via Sploid.)


winston said...

i particularly enjoyed the find of 5.24, where it appears that jeff puked up some cat chow as he was enjoying whatever animal this was -- squirrel? rabbit? only jeff knows ...

this cat, like others of whom i am terribly fond, is pure evil.

CrimeNotes said...

In that same picture, you notice a single, disembodied pink foot rising out of the goo.

Crunk Raconteur said...

This is the most horrifying thing I've ever seen. I got nauseous just looking at it for a few minutes.

Jeff said...

I'd actually seen that cat on Sploid too. It's weird. He's just like my cat, F. Scott Fitzgerald, who's a stray that had been hanging around my apartment building looking for a home. He's prolly the nicest cat of all time to humans, but about once a month I find myself dumping rat and bird carcasses in the trash. That cat and F. Scott must be good friends and kindred spirits. I don't know what to make of it. On one hand, it disgusts me, on the other hand, I respect my cat a whole lot. He's sort of a killing machine.

CrimeNotes said...

Jeff -- does F.Scott leave the same kind of mutliation? As a kid, our cate Willy would occasionally bring dead birds for my mom, but I remember them being fairly intact. Willy was trying to give a nice gift, but Jeff the cat appears to be something of an artist. He also is terrifying and insane.

Jeff said...

He mutilates all right. I'll find birds heads by my car in the parking lot and the bird torso about 15 feet away, and just the feet a few feet away. He's cold-blooded.