Friday, October 05, 2007

The Heist: A cautionary tale

J.J. went to the outside of the tall Manhattan skyscraper where he worked. He lit a cigarette.

"Hey bro, have a light?" a stranger named Kai-Shek asked.

"Sure dude," said J.J.

"I need to smoke because my job is a bitch, dude," said Kai-Shek. "I work at the investment bank inside of this here skyscraper."

"Tell me about it, dude," said J.J. "I work at the law firm."

"I know what could break up the doldrums," said Kai-Shek. "We can rob the liquor store up the street."

J.J. had just been thinking that he needed to break out of the routine. Why not? he figured.

They went to the liquor store and demanded the clerk to turn over all of his money. The clerk begged them not to kill him and handed them loads of cash.

"This is an extravagant sum of money," Kai-Shek said. "More than I'd ever make as an investment banker."

"Tell me about it, dude," said J.J.

They took their money to the bad part of town, where they bought an extreme quantity of drugs. Then they realized that they were in trouble and had to go into hiding. They rented the most luxurious suite at the Waldorf, where they did the drugs and became excessively "high." J.J. freaked out because he thought that he didn't have toenails.

Little did they know that Detective Callahan was on their trail. He'd visited the liquor store, where the proprietor explained that J.J. and Kai-Shek had stolen the entire college fund belonging to his daughter, Viola. Detective Callahan made it his personal mission to bust the perps, and issued an APB to all hotel detectives in the city.

That's when Detective Callahan learned that an enormous number of prostitutes had been ordered from the Robin Byrd show and shipped to the Waldorf. He smelled a rat. Detective Callahan busted into the hotel suite with the S.W.A.T. team, just as J.J. was falling in love with a young prostitute (she was 18) named Viola -- the same Viola whose college fund he stole, even though neither of them realized it at the time.

Needless to say, when J.J. and Kai-Shek were arrested, their entire lives flashed before their eyes.

At trial, J.J. begged for forgiveness. He explained that he wasn't a criminal, but that he was merely bored and got mixed up with something wrong. The jurors' hearts melted. Viola testified on his behalf and said that she loved J.J. and forgave him. The jury was so moved that they found J.J. "not guilty."

Kai-Shek ended up behind bars. It turned out that he had outstanding warrants in five states due to insider trading and breach of fiduciary duty. He probably belonged in jail to begin with, and you better believe that the H.R. department at his investment bank got an earful.

6 comments:

Cock D said...

Wow, just wow. Is that a true story?

Autobiographical, perhaps?

CrimeNotes said...

Flop and I went to college with Kai-Shek.

ryan said...

Hmmm...

Mr. Shain said...

does your firm know you're doing this?

blythe said...

if you went to college with chiang kai-shek, you are much older and more chinese than i thought. intriguing.

crimenotes said...

It was probably one of his grandsons or something.