Monday, October 01, 2007

No day should be Saturday

Fall Saturdays used to be the highlight of every week, the highlight of the year, something to await with unrestrained joy. Most Saturdays now bring new misery in game quality or bar location or Flop forcing incapacitated people to down shots and finish the night acidic and gutted. Turbulence and dread, inconvenience and irritation, fear and hatred -- hatred toward the Big Ten Network, hatred toward other Michigan alumni, hatred of missed field goals and sloppy coverage, running quarterbacks and the spread offense and an existence that led to this way of life when instead I could be sitting in the mountains somewhere, reading pretty poems and watching birds fly.

Saturdays this year are like being trapped in an airport, waiting for hours before we can board, with Fox News blaring in the background and you want to punch the fuck out of Bill O'Reilly, and then after three hours you get on the plane, where you taxi for two more hours, and then the flight takes off and 30 minutes in there's the smell of burning plastic and the plane circles back to JFK where it lands safely, but in the terminal you're subjected to more Bill O'Reilly, and then they show Sean Hannity's ass, and then finally you get on the plane and you're feeling punch-drunk and angry and sad and exhausted. It was supposed to be so easy.

Your fellow passengers have the same dilemma. Lacking perspective, they endure mainly through yelling at gate agents, beating their children and cursing their God. You begin to hate them more than you hate the airline. Shit happens with planes -- it's part of the system -- but people can learn reason. The pilot's not getting fired, wizard, and your petulant tantrums and personal displeasure mean nothing.

One of the first entries on Google images for "unhappy airport."
Seems strangely appropriate.

Eventually the plane takes off. You reach the destination like you knew you would, but by then you don't even care anymore. All you have is indignity, frustration and a broken spirit.

Much of the irritation is due to the Big Ten Network and the pure logistical challenges of viewing the goddamn games in the first place: somehow, the mess would be easier from a perch on a couch in somebody's apartment, instead of a seat in a local douche factory with a dish. The Big Ten Network is ruining my Saturdays, and therefore my life, and not just because its production quality is egregious.

Because of Michigan's suckage and the unforgiving nature of markets, the Michigan-Purdue game will now be on the Big Ten Network. I'll be in L.A. that weekend, and arranged my travel plans around watching that game. Michigan will probably lose it anyway. Instead of meeting Flop and Evil Girl in a hotel room, where we could have ordered room service (on me) and cherished sophistication over football, poached eggs and Bud Lite, I'll be up at 7 a.m. in order to get to a bar I don't know in a city I don't know so that I can suffer in public with strangers who I almost certainly will not like.

This came up for "frustrated passengers." It suits my mood.

10 comments:

dmbmeg said...

Baby's cranky again!

Ruh roh!

Flop-
Where is my m-f'in ICED TEA?!

CrimeNotes said...

The latest Big Ten Network fiasco sent me into a rage.

crimenotes said...

Maybe I'm manic depressive. I try to be happy; I try to find pleasure in the small things; and then football-related happenings send me into explosions of rage and misanthropy. I MUST ATTACK.

flop said...

No, the Big Ten Network is an affront to fans everywhere.

Maybe we can watch at the groom's house. We can lay in a supply of eggs and kielbasa, and I'll make everyone omelettes and bloody marys.

Cock D said...

You guys are always welcome to come watch the Big Ten Network at my house.....

In Pittsburgh.

Thankfully after [GAME REDACTED], Dish Network picked up BTN. Last week, I hooked up two TVs in my living room and watched PSU and UM. Heiniken draughtkeg kept the beers cold and there was no cigarette smoke!!!!

At least you have the smoking ban working for you in NY!

crimenotes said...

Or the smoking ban working against you, depending on predisposition.

How was going to the Penn State game, incidentally?h

dmbmeg said...

I was about to say I don't think crimenotes is happy about the smoking ban.

Cock D said...

The smoking ban thing was just salt in the wound - forgive me, I couldnt resist.

PSU - UM in Ann Arbor was fantastic.

We got to town around 1PM on friday and hit an irish pub on Main street in town. After a tasty lunch we hit the grocery store for supplies. I prefer the dumpy Kroger on Packard (the GPS misprouounces Kroger with a soft "G" - I am still laughing about that).

Dinner Friday was the traditional visit to Metzgers (neighbors of my folks when they lived in AA) and we dined and drank like kings. After dinner, the old folks went home and I hit the bars with my wife and college roomate. We started at some nicer place next to Nickel's Arcade and wound up at the Jug. Lots of Penn State folks out in force and getting a little loud, but all in good fun.

Tailgating was awesome - hit the outing club at 8:15. Great spot in the middle of the fairway across from the South endzone. Less than 100 yards walk to the seats. Breakfast was grilled breakfast burittos and bloody marys. Switched over to Captain and Coke around 11 AM. The main meal of the day was 1 PM - Omaha Steaks, Augratin potato, pierogis, and mixed vegetables - all done on the grill.

As for the game: I got to sit in the seats that my mom & pop had for their season tickets from 1970 to 1990 (seats are with the same group). The guy who maintains the group (a frat brother of my Dad @ Dartmouth) put my group up at his place. The play by both sides was pretty meh, but the excitment was palapable.

Stayed in Saturday night as the wife was tired, and the roommated (very diehard PSU guy) just wanted to curl up and die.

All in all, a great time. Hope to catch you all up there in two years for the next installment of the game in AA.

double entendre said...

I'm getting a dish next year. You can come watch at my place.

CrimeNotes said...

You should get a dish between now and Saturday.