Friday, April 08, 2005

On beating up 12-year-olds

Despite the sneering attitude of a prior Saul Bellow post, McSweeney's internet site is a favorite daily read for Cole Slaw Blog. Today's entry about the logistics of beating up 12 year olds is its best offering since the Charlotte Simmons-skewering Rockin' It, Frat-Party Style!, which was so good that I read it about 500 times and laughed until I spit coleslaw all over the keyboard. A Realistic Assessment of How Many 12-Year-Olds I Could Beat Up Before They Overtook Me is aptly described by the title. I take issue, however, with the author's conclusion. The author describes himself as "21, approximately 6 feet tall, tip[ping] the scales at an even 180, and [having] a moderately athletic and muscular build." He proposes that he could beat up "up to seven" twelve year olds before they overtook him.

However, like many a misdirected law and economics scholar, author Matt Schweiger assumes that he is dealing with rational individuals. There are no rational twelve-year-olds. When I was twelve, I was stone-cold crazy, at least four or five times crazier than I am today. If the twelve-year-old Crimenotes had the chance, he would punched, slugged, smacked, slapped, screamed, bit, kicked, clawed, spit, yanked, wept, brutalized, insulted and taunted his way to victory. He would have been more vicious and out-of-control than a rabid bat. Short of death, he would have been unstoppable. Schweiger envisions a gang of ornery Beaver Cleavers, whereas in reality, it would be something closer to City of God.

Cole Slaw Blog hopes that Schweiger keeps this in mind before a pack of twelve-year-olds eviscerates him.

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