Thursday, February 09, 2006

Because you can't spell Torino without "riot"

Conversation from last Saturday (paraphrased):
Blog Pin-Up Brian: I hate the opening ceremonies. I only like curling.
CrimeNotes: I don't like either, and I also dislike The Eagles and Billy Joel.
BPUB: I mean, I really hate the opening ceremonies.
CrimeNotes: I will make them fun by inventing a drinking game.
The following was born:
  • Do a shot of nation-appropriate alcohol when a country of your ethnic heritage is introduced.
  • Announcers like to mention other nations' obscure national heroes. For instance, they might refer to a Swedish two-time gold medal winner in the pentathalon and observe that in her home country, she is "bigger than Michael Jordan." Whenever something like this happens, sip.
  • When Salt Lake City is mentioned, the person born closest to Salt Lake City must drink. Any Mormon present must chug apple juice.
  • Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney was chairman of the Salt Lake City Olympics. If he is mentioned, any Boston sports fan must drink. Any Republican must do a shot, then apologize to the room. If the apology is deemed unsatisfactory by a majority of those present, the Republican must do a second shot. No Republicans or Boston sports fans? Then the person born closest to Massachusetts must do a shot.
  • Terrorism may be mentioned. If this happens, scream as if frightened. The last person to commence screaming must do a shot.
  • Abstract dances and performance art symbolizing winter or snow will likely appear. When this occurs, drink.
  • If Italy's relationship to Catholicism is mentioned, all Catholics must drink. If this is embodied by dance, performance art, or skit, all Catholics must do a shot.
  • If the word "brotherhood" is uttered, anyone who has a brother or is a brother must drink.
  • Children of the host nation often feature prominently in opening ceremonies. For every performance featuring children, the youngest person in the room must drink. If an elementary school teacher is present, he or she must do a shot.
  • Any time the broadcast is interrupted to air a story about an athlete overcoming injury, the person most recently hospitalized must drink.
  • Bode Miller is mentioned? Chug.
  • When the torch first appears in the stadium, everyone must down a Flaming Dr. Pepper.
  • The Shroud of Turin is a famous Torino artifact. If the announcers mention it, everyone who has seen The Passion of the Christ must do a shot.
  • Speed skating rewards rapidity. If that sport is mentioned, the slowest person must drink. If there is a dispute as to who is slowest, it may be settled with a footrace the length of one city block; if you live in a suburb, the relevant distance is the length of your driveway.
  • If ice dancing is mentioned, the last person to dance while holding an ice cube must drink.
  • Ice skating is for girls. When ice skating is referenced, all the ladies drink. In the alternative, they may leave the site of your viewing party to visit the nearest ice rink, and ice skate ... naked.
  • With every reference to the Jamaican bobsled team or Cool Runnings, light a fatty blunt.
Play by the rules and have fun. A night of this:

Can quickly become a night of this:


winston said...

have i mentioned how proud i am to know you?

CrimeNotes said...

Winston -- from your lips to Jodie Sweetin's ears.

Flop said...

This is a clubhouse leader for post of the year. Just outstanding.

brian the pinup said...

In all fairness to myself...I also enjoy Olympic hockey in addition to curling.

Crunk Raconteur said...

Flop just watches to see Apolo Anton Ohno smite the evildoers with his mighty soul patch.

Flop said...

I do, 'tis true. It'd take me at least 10 days to grow a soul patch, and even then, it'd barely make a Luxemburger quake. My follicles live vicariously through Apolo Anton.