Dear Network Executives,

I've had enough of your good shows.

It used to be that the only TV I watched came in the form of shitty reality shows that I loved and loathed in secret.

Your highlights used to be Temptation Island ...


... and Paradise Hotel ...


... Joe Millionaire ...


... and retardfests like Big Brother.


HBO was already airing The Sopranos.


There was one good show per week, 13 weeks a year, and the rest was brain candy. I could flip on Temptation Island and promptly tune out.

There was no way of knowing that The Sopranos would beget Six Feet Under in 2001...


... thus raising the grand total of good TV shows to two. But Six Feet Under begat Carnivale ...


... which begat Deadwood ...


... all shows that collectively effed up a year's worth of Sunday nights.

This was all manageable until 24 became channeled Jerry Bruckheimer and Oliver Stone, then became the unofficial survival guide to our long national nightmare ...


... and around that time, ABC unleashed the most challenging network drama since Twin Peaks.


Mondays and Wednesdays were out.

Reality TV classed up. I fell for The Amazing Race ...


... and still become addicted two episodes into every season of Survivor.


But as long as your networks were still airing total fucking horseshit ...

... I was immune to comedy.

Then came the Bluths ...


... and the funny (if neutered) American update of The Office ...

.... when ABC got on the bandwagon with a great little show called Sons and Daughters.

Tivo was only taking me so far. I'm not going to spend the whole weekend watching recordings of your programs. Now, almost every night includes your goddamn "appointment television."

Besides, Tivo has responsibilities on basic cable. It has to keep track of these guys ...


... and this guy ...


... and goddammit, now this guy.


According to an article in today's Times, NBC is going to actually air some interesting programs:

"Kidnapped" will follow the complicated plot behind the kidnapping of the teenage son of a wealthy New York couple, played by Timothy Hutton and Dana Delany. "Heroes" will emulate the ABC hit "Lost," adding a few science-fiction touches. A group of young people discover they have sudden, unusual powers — an office worker can teleport at will to any location; a cop can hear other people's thoughts — just as a menacing force seems to be threatening the world.

I didn't ask for this. I was happy with a bunch of drunken boob-and-thong Frenching contests, which I could watch with half an eye but otherwise ignore. Now, instead of reading fancy books and writing the great American novel, I'm coming home to watch your frickin' shows and hanging on every word. No one asked for a golden age of television or wanted your multinational asses to decide that it was time for the broadcast equivalent of Renaissance Florence.

I've stayed away from American Idol, Hoss. None of those medical dramas for me. I'm trying, Ringo. I'm trying real hard, but you're not making it easy.

Very truly yours,

CrimeNotes