Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Words of reassurance

You don't have bedbugs. Bedbugs exist and may be a minor plague in certain New York neighborhoods, including my own. What you just showed me isn't a bedbug scab, it's a zit. What you just showed me isn't a bedbug scab, it's a paper cut. What you just showed me isn't a bedbug scab, it's a bullet wound.

You don't have bedbugs.

Obsessing over bedbugs will not help you, your ancestors, your descendants or your sleep. It will make you crazy.

You don't have bedbugs, you have fleas.

You don't have bedbugs, you have Dutch Elm Disease.

You don't have bedbugs, you have lice, and if I were the principal, I would inspect your hair to prove it. Unfortunately, I am not the principal -- I am a jackass, and when I find your headlice, I will mock you and then spray Raid in your hair. Then I will shave your head. You'll thank me for it later -- best way to get rid of lice.

You don't have bedbugs, you have scurvy, which you probably deserve because all you drink is cans of Miller High Life, Nyquil, and decaf coffee (you're worried about blood pressure) and all you eat is bacon and more bacon. This wouldn't have happened if you ate cole slaw, but you think you're too good for cabbage, so instead you got scurvy. Ahoy.

You don't have bedbugs.

8 comments:

Yaotl said...

or hives. Hives may be mistaken for bedbugs. Or a pack of three mosquitos decided to line up on your arm. Or it's the new detergent your got. Could be lots of things. It couldn't possibly be small disgusting little bugs that ever so slowly are draining your very lifeblood while you sleep the night away. Nah, couldn't be.

Kate said...

You don't have bedbugs. Those are just small ink dots on your pillowcase even though you don't remember bringing a pen into your bed.

Those small little red bugs? Baby roaches, duh.

CrimeNotes said...

To be clear, I don't have any bedbug problems. My body and bed are clean, so you all should feel comfortable propositioning me.

The problem is the various scurvy-ridden friends and acquaintances who think they're afflicted. They're not infested -- just dirty. This seemed like a good way to tell them.

Crunk Raconteur said...

Cough cough Flop cough...

chelly said...

you don't have bedbugs, those are track marks.

evil girl said...

those aren't bed bugs flop has, those are crabs.

Flop said...

Disappointing (I'm sure) news for all of you: I'm pest-free. Go scurrilously speculate about infestation elsewhere.

Flop said...

Bedbug! ... Sieve!
Bedbug! ... Sieve!
Bedbug! ... Sieve!