Monday, November 13, 2006

Fanhood

The biggest sporting event of our lifetime happens on Saturday, an event that makes this week the longest of my life. Someone should make an advent calendar for this shit: open a little door, and there's Woody Hayes! The next day: Sam Sword! If sports is the opium of the masses, I am presently passed out on the floor of a Chinatown den, my pockets picked by painted ladies while Plug Uglies steal my top-hat.

I am not myself.

Someone threw a chewy toy at me, which kept me entertained until I shredded it. Today I ate a whole chapstick. When people walk into my office or apartment I either jump on them or growl. If they make eye contact, I piddle the rug. Yesterday I destroyed my houseplants. Walking to the subway this morning, I tried to bite a stranger. I have singlehandedly torn apart a chair. On the advice of my vet, I'm wearing a cone over my collar so that I don't scratch my ears any more than necessary.

I can't have candy or sugar products because I'll stay up all night pretending that I'm Alan Branch driving a cement mixer. My bosses won't let me sit near my friends because they act up when they're near me. I think I ate all of the paste in the middle of a meeting. This morning I got yelled at for pretending to be Bennie Oosterbaan. The counselor wants to know why I have problems focusing and asked if I'm having problems at home: I told her to bite me, and then sang The Yellow and Blue.

I cut my ear while shaving. I spend much of the day scouring blogs, newspaper articles and message boards to re-read quotes I've already read five times. I send spastic e-mails to friends and co-workers. I leave annoying comments on football blogs. Bo Schembechler reduces me to tears. I have hot flashes like Barbara Walters. I think I just caught an ulcer.

It's not going to get any better in the next four days. If it becomes necessary, I'm going to take a personal day on Friday. I could run a marathon right now, I swear; I could memorize The Iliad in Ancient Greek, I promise. I sort of figure that at midnight on Saturday I'll have a scrape on my head and will be sprinting shirtless down Mott Street.

8 comments:

verbald said...

No one knows the words to "the yellow and blue". They just know when to "HAIL!" "HAIL!" and that part about "the yellow and blue"

CrimeNotes said...

I always knew "sing to the colors that float in the light," but none of the stuff that comes between that and "Hail." So I looked up the words, and it turns out that they're ridiculous. We have a song that talks about Phoebus:

Sing to the colors that float in the light;
Hurrah for the Yellow and Blue!
Yellow the stars as they ride through the night
And reel in a rollicking crew;
Yellow the fields where ripens the grain
And yellow the moon on the harvest wain;
Hail!
Hail to the colors that float in the light
Hurrah for the Yellow and Blue!

Blue are the billows that bow to the sun
When yellow robed morning is due.
Blue are the curtains that evening has spun
The slumbers of Phoebus to woo;
Blue are the blossoms to memory dear
And blue is the sapphire and gleams like a tear;
Hail!
Hail to the ribbons that nature has spun;
Hurrah for the Yellow and Blue!

copyranter said...

I went to Rutgers, and I would just like to see the Powers That Be mistakenly give RU the champ. game against the winner and then watch the resulting 84-0 drubbing. Rutgers was fun for me, and I like my alma, but they have no business being ranked in the top ten. their schedule is pansy-ass.

CrimeNotes said...

I agree with the merits of what you're saying, Copyranter. The problem this year is that Rutgers might end up as a default choice from a list of closely bunched yet somewhat unspectacular one-loss teams. It's an easier pill to swallow than trying to decide between Florida and USC.

I think Rutgers wouldn't be blown out any more spectacularly than Notre Dame. Notre Dame being in the hunt is a bigger joke than Rutgers being in the hunt.

I expect Rutgers to lose to WVU and Notre Dame to USC, making this conundrum moot.

Flop said...

I dunno, CrimeNotes. That whole bit about "reel in a rollicking crew" has been done by us before _ from Safety Dance to rooftop hooting.

CrimeNotes said...

1.) Don't be cheesy.
2.) No one ever gets reeled in. Rather, the line is left to run out until someone is throwing up, passed out, or crying. That is the way.
3.) In the event that his comment is misconstrued, I would like to definitively state that Flop and I have never Safety Danced together.

22280 said...

I also think Notre Dame and Rutgers will lose soon, and I think Florida will have a lot of trouble with Arkansas or maybe LSU in the SEC title game. USC should get its act together enough to make this weekend the only Michigan-Ohio State game of the season.

But if Rutgers does win out, the Scarlet Knights ABSOLUTELY deserve the title game. Lots of ignorant things being said about them nationwide based on nothing more than the fact that they are called Rutgers and the fact that they play in a certain region of the country.

You win all your games, you should be able to ride that until someone proves you're not good enough. And I mean proves it on the field - not in the minds of the pundits.

I don't know if Rutgers can compete with the Ohio States and Michigans of the world, but the only way to find out is to PLAY THE GAMES.

Flop said...

When do we get a post about "Varsity"?