Thursday, November 16, 2006

Fun with mascots (non-college-football content)

For some reason, I've decided to put together a list of the worst imaginable mascots. I have no idea why I thought of this, but here you go. Clearly, this is the work of a mind with extra-spazzy synapses this week.

Subjy, Objy and Preds, Grammar Ambassadors: These adorable scamps in western gear are present at every National Grammar Foundation grammar rodeo. Giant, fuzzy cowboys, except Objy is a horse. Occasionally appear with rodeo clowns wearing prepositions, modifiers and the coveted who/whom lasso.

Casey Clawsen, One-Crab Crustacean: Giant blue crab (Callinectes sapidus) who represents the Chesapeake Bay Area Crabbers Association. Rigid adherence to biologically correct details makes for big laffs when kids step on his "swimming legs." Rejected names for this character included: Thomas Pinchon, Claws von Bulow, Bitey.

Bospy and DarDanielle, The Twins of Turkey: They represent shipping and trade for the Port of Istanbul. The two colorful, jauntily-costumed, nautically themed characters have occasionally sat for Turkish diplomats at EU accession talks. Oddly enough, the mascots resemble large, flightless birds, but representatives are adamant that they are NOT turkeys. Or repurposed Hokie Bird costumes.

The Houston Eulers, Math-Savvy Punsters: Not so much a mascot as an intramural flag-football team made up of grad students from the University of Houston's math department. There are plans, however, to dress up one of their girlfriends in a giant, fuzzy, lowercase e. Just as soon as they can locate both a costume and a willing girlfriend.

Chingy, Anthropomorphization of the I Ching: Giant fuzzy 經 character deployed by the Chinese government to help with outreach after seemingly random and unpleasant events.

Whenever a bus plunges off an unfinished road, a train derails due to poorly maintained rails or, say, a dam is built, flooding ancient cities, Chingy is there to explain and console upset citizens that it's all part of the order in the universe, and has absolutely nothing to do with corruption, greed or a totalitarian government which totally loves its people. Currently cannot appear in western world due to possible copyright infringments.

Limey, The Scurvy-Awareness Lime: Pretty self explanatory, actually. Bring citrus fruits on those long sea voyages, kids. You don't want the scurvy.


CrimeNotes said...

Okay, we should just fold up shop now, because this post will never be topped. Best work since a crab re-wrote "Rocky Top" into a song about chicken necks.

evil girl said...

wow, this is worse than that time flop wrote about petey the penguin.