Tuesday, November 14, 2006

It's Tuesday and we're within 90 hours of kickoff

A sampling of e-mails:
I cannot deal. I can't think about, talk about, read about, or hear about Saturday's game without feeling like I'm going to puke. [My six-month-old baby] and I are going to go bury our faces in a blankie -- somebody tell us when it's over.

ggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhh motherfucking Ohio State I hate them I hate them I hate them and I hope Jim Tressel's fucking sweater vest gets caught in a CoolZone fan on the sidelines and sends him airborne out of the Shoe and flings him somewhere in the Atlantic aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh
If a disaster occurs, of course, that'll just make the pain more acute. I might commit ritual seppuku with a rusty spatula if we lose.
I can think of something worse than a Rose Bowl vs. Rutgers or WVU or Louisville: The Fiesta Bowl against one of those clowns, while Notre Dame plays in the Rose Bowl. If that happens, I would disassemble my body molecule by molecule until I became a finely atomized mist of fury and outrage.
Please keep the semen jokes to a minimum this Saturday.
Most importantly, this video will sate you for a few minutes.

(Found via the MZone guys.)


Crunk Raconteur said...

I'm trying to decide when best to weigh in. Crimenotes seems to be in a particularly freaked-out mood (and, as an aside, that second email is totally from Flop...phrases like "ritual seppuku" and "finely atomized mist of fury and outrage" give it away), and I fear if I start too soon, he'll actually murder me.

Must be tough to have this level of freaked-out anticipation. I don't so much.


Because there are two people who just flat-out own Michigan.

Their names are Jim Tressel and Troy Smith.

CrimeNotes said...

Or maybe because you didn't go to either school?

Flop said...

Do your worst, Crunky. It'll keep me from feeling bad that Michigan will be stomping all over both your favorite Division I universities _ the one you went to and the one you wouldn't have gone to if they paid you (but whose football team you ally yourself with because everyone else you knew was when you were growing up and you didn't meet me until freshman English in high school).

(There, that should serve nicely as a rhetorical sharp stick through our friend's bling-encrusted cage bars.)

And remember: Rove owned the Democrats and the national electorate too, based on two or three matchups in which lots of factors favored him. Time to turn Ohio blue again.

Your Evangelical Christian coach and former Acolyte of Ted Ginn Sr/St. Edward Eagle quarterback can't save you now. Not from the furious might and bloodthirsty wrath of LaMarr Woodley and his partners in violence.

CrimeNotes said...

Please make note that I don't do trash talk, I do manic.

Flop said...

Upon further review, I have to ask our first e-mailer: Why a CoolZone fan and not a BigFogg? Also, what are the odds it'll be warm enough to require those fans on Saturday?

I'd also ask what kind of a trademark-cultivating narcisssist would wear a sweatervest in CoolZone/BigFogg-necessitating heat, but I think we all know the answer to that one.

winston said...

i assume that jim needs a coolzone trained on him at all times, to ward off the fiery flames of hell that lap at his ankles.

22280 said...


After beating Michigan, what, twice in 15 years (?) Ohio State enjoys a 1/2 decade of success with Tressel and Troy, and Crunk is already breaking out the "I'm not even all that excited about the game anymore" card.

I'm calling bullshit. He's either not a real Ohio State fan ... or he's completely terrified and doesn't want to admit it.

Crunk Raconteur said...

Well, it's actually a slightly different combination of factors. I just started a new job this week, so I haven't had the time to properly obsess.

Also, I know from years of trash-talking for various things with Flop that nothing gets him more spastically fired up than playing the ennui card. Good times all around.

Last, I really do have that much faith in Tressel. It doesn't take a genius to notice that once OSU got rid of the coach who refused to treat the Michigan game as anything other than "just another game", and replaced him with a guy who focuses on the game all year...Ohio State has gone from the owned to the owners.

And, as an aside, supposed superstar Mike Hart had 9 carries for 15 yards last year in the game against his biggest rival. Let's just say, I'm not too worried about him. And absent him, I'm not too concerned about Chad Navarre (or whatever his name is...)

CrimeNotes said...

1.) Great, coach-worship as a substitute for analysis. Replacing fact with personality is the last refuge of half-wits. I blame ESPN for this development -- it can't cover sports so all we get is human drama. Have all the faith you want: that shit doesn't mean anything.

2.) Hey, asshole, are you familiar with the concept of football players who are in the game despite injury?

Crunk Raconteur said...

Wait, now you'd prefer analysis of the game? Do you want a breakdown of the relative merits of each team's offensive line. Let's step into the Wayback Machine and find out what was said in this space last year:

Crunk Raconteur on 5:10 PM
Again with the ancillary details distracting from the actual game. It would be sad, really, if it wasn't so hilarious to me...

(note to Flop: Touche, sir. Excellent sneaking of Messrs. Howard and Woodson onto that list)

CrimeNotes on 6:02 PM
I'm proud that I wrote a post about Michigan-O.S.U. that included 1.) a small swipe at local news, 2.) special ed. class, 3.) Scooter Libby and 4.) syphillis. If you're looking for a comparison of offensive lines, look elsewhere. I'd rather write my own offensive lines, thank you very much.

But now you want analysis?

CrimeNotes said...

Touche'. Also, my posts have had nothing to do with play on the field.

The cult of personality in sports is just a pet peeve -- the other day I heard a Henne v. Troy Smith analysis on the radio (as if that has any merit to the game) and got pissed off that it wasn't a Henne vs. OSU secondary and Smith v. Michigan secondary analysis, probably because it's too hard for sports analysts to break down factors that can't be attached to a personlity.

That said, if you're going to hold me responsible for everything I write on this site, I will lose every argument I have from now on, ever.

Crunk Raconteur said...

Crimenotes is objectively pro-Alex Kuczynski!!!