Friday, January 26, 2007

Hypothetical dilemmas and excuses for George W. Bush, average citizen

President Bush today rebuffed congressional opponents who want to stop his plan to increase U.S. troop strength in Iraq, declaring that "I'm the decision-maker" on the war effort and challenging skeptics to produce their own plan for success.

George W. Bush, weather forecaster. In the 11 p.m. broadcast on April 19, George confidently predicts that "tomorrow we'll see a batch of those famous April showers, so don't forget to pack an umbrella!" In fact, April 20 is sunny with a high of 58. Confident in his earlier prediction, George mounts his roof with a garden hose and sprays cold water on passing cars and pedestrians. On that night's broadcast, he takes credit for predicting rain.

George W. Bush, bodega employee. An unexpected demand for Tropicana Orange Juice (Some Pulp) leaves the bodega shorthanded, and the next delivery isn't due until Wednesday. George places several fresh oranges in a cleaning bucket and beats them with his sneaker, which he has washed and removed. When prospective orange juice buyers decline to buy the bucket and its contents, he angrily rebuffs them, and suggests that they make the juice themselves.

George W. Bush, professional dog walker. After 20 minutes of walking Buster, Naomi Steinhardt's black lab, the dog has failed to relieve itself. George takes matters into his own hands by urinating on a parked car. He praises the dog lavishly. Naomi is dismayed when she returns to her apartment and steps into a puddle of Buster's urine.

George W. Bush, high school principal. You are a history teacher struggling with a difficult student. He shows promise, but is disruptive in class and dismayed by his parents' divorce. When he calls you an "asshole" in sixth hour, you send him to the principal's office, where George shoots and kills him. You communicate your horror, and George says, "Shut up, didn't he? That's more than you were able to do."

George W. Bush, temp. It's mid-August on the 25th floor when a blackout hits the city. After 20 minutes of waiting for power to return, your boss suggests that everyone take the stairs and walk home. George declares that stairs are "too long." He throws a computer monitor through a window (accidentally damaging a newsstand below) then suggests that the employees jump out, since that will bring them down faster. No one follows his suggestion. George grows incensed, and says that someone else needs to come up with an alternative exit strategy that's less difficult than stairs.

George W. Bush, interior decorator. The owner of a loft requests that George find artwork to complement a new red couch. Using a set of Crayola Magic Markers, George scrawls the following on the loft's walls: "George," "fart," "shit," "kat," and "MOM." He attempts to draw a red penguin, except that it looks more like a pigeon, but George hates pigeons, so he tries to turn it into a dragon. The outraged owner sees George's handiwork and refuses to pay the $15,000 consulting fee. "You wanted artwork, didn't you?" George said. "I propose that if you want a better dragon, you draw her yourself."

George W. Bush, plastic surgeon. For her fiftieth birthday, Brenda Lawson goes under the knife for a nose job. Thinking about Garbage Pail Kids makes George W. Bush, M.D., distracted. He mistakenly severs her nose. In an effort to remedy this, George decides to remove one of Brenda's boobs and annex it where her nose should be. Dissatisfied with the asymmetry, he concludes that it would be better yet to remove the other boob and annex it to the proper location of a male penis, had Brenda been born a male. He congratulates himself for his creativity. At his medical malpractice trial four years later, George testifies, "As to those who doubt, I welcome their suggestions for what to do with a lost nose and a one-boob."

George W. Bush, farmer. Concluding that crops are "lazy" and "spoiled," George resolves to stop watering and fertilizing his thousand-acre sorghum farm, to predictable results. Panicking over the dormant fields, George commissions a blue-ribbon panel of agriculture professors to advise him on how to resuscitate the farm. The commission suggests that George water and fertilize the crops; George again denounces the crops as "lazy" and "spoiled." The farm fails and George enters bankruptcy. Defending a lawsuit from his lenders, George states, "And to my critics, I would have welcomed input from anyone who had suggestions about how to motivate lazy, spoiled crops."


Flop said...

These are outstanding. But he totally would have sold the sorghum farm to a consortium of investors assembled by his dad.

And the thought of George W. Bush as a healthcare professional chills me to my core. I think I'd become Christian Scientist.

double entendre said...

Wait. Did Flop post this or CrimeNotes? I am confused. Either way: good post.

CrimeNotes said...

It was me. One of the unexpected side-effects of migrating to New Blogger is that everything I ever posted is now credited to Flop. This means that any new readers will mistakenly conclude that he's brilliant/witty/sexy, and not some mere Cleveland-obsessed chimp.

You're welcome, Flop.

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