Wednesday, January 31, 2007

When Cartoons Attack: A timeline

Two to three weeks ago: Magnetic signs with blinking lights that depict some critter from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" on the Cartoon Network are placed on bridges and other infrastruction throughout 10 U.S. cities, including Boston.

Sometime Wednesday morning: Bomb squad called in to destroy one of the signs, presumably because it contains wire and blinking lights. No reports of ticking suitcases, black spheres with fuses or wooden kegs reading "TNT" on the side.

Approximately 1 p.m. Wednesday: Four calls to police report more "suspicious devices."

1:01 p.m. Boston authorities consider the implications of multiple "devices" and scream: "SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB!" subsequently executing an official pants-crapping. Subways, highways and bridges are shut down, the Charles River is closed, and the Homeland Security Department in Washington is alerted to the possibility that Al-Qaida appears to be carrying out a Lite-Brite attack.

2:14 p.m. NORAD alerted to possible threat in Boston, but is distracted by reports of an Acme rocket with a super-genius Canis latrans penetrating American airspace near the Arizona-Mexico border.

3:57 p.m. Authorities determine that the devices, despite the menacing presence of LEDs and wires, are no threat.

4:49 p.m. Turner issues statement reassuring Bostonians that no Cartoon Network characters are planning attacks on the Boston area.

6:20 p.m. Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick and Boston Mayor Thomas Menino announce they'll be using every tool at their disposal to make sure that someone, anyone, is punished for this horrible fiasco which totally could not have been prevented by using some common sense. Also, they express a fervent desire for no one to notice that the city and state response to blinking lights is to go code fucking red.

6:45 p.m. Professor Utonium releases a statement to the Boston Phoenix and Townsville Tribune on behalf of his clients, the Powerpuff Girls, who are currently studying abroad in London and unable to respond. Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup decry the "asinine" response by Boston authorities.

7:01 p.m. Boston Police marine units report Jabberjaw sighting in Boston Harbor, but it turns out to be a garrulous cod. Star-Kist units are called in anyway, out of "an abundance of caution."

8:15 p.m. Someone now has an arrest record because of all this. I can't decide which scenario is more appalling: The worlds biggest vandalism trial or actual terrorism related charges getting filed.


All your base are belong to them, Boston.

3 comments:

voidoid said...

Adult Swim issued an apology for the incident tonight during the lead-in to Family Guy.

I see that the new blog layout has a spam prevention buffer. I posted this comment only after entering the magic word: "ycisjtoj."

Flop said...

You think the fuckwits who called the police about these have apologized?

Anonymous said...

Pass the word:

Peter Berdovsky Legal Defense Fund
Law Office of Michael L. Rich
74 Newport Street
Arlington MA 02476