Friday, June 30, 2006

The 10 Greatest Americans: 2006 Edition

In honor of July 4 and the long weekend, we're updating our roster of America's 10 all-time greatest citizens. The list was assembled by consensus, but each entry's author is noted at the end of the post. For those who like to track the rise and fall of celebrity, last year's list is available here.


10. Superman. The problem with superheroes is their inadequate superness. X-Men, Fantastic Four, and Spider-Man never did it for me because I couldn’t help thinking, "How is that power going to save the day? Awesome, you shoot webs out of your wrists, or you have weird retractable claws. Good luck using that to stop North Korea."

They pale in comparison to Superman. He flies, uses heat vision, wields superhuman strength, and renders the hole in the wall in Porky’s redundant with his x-ray vision.

I could talk about how he represents how America views itself or how he was a subconscious father-figure to millions whose own fathers were lacking. But in the end, he’s just a poor, undocumented immigrant who grew up working on a farm, then, by virtue of his own super-ness, saves the world and scores a hottie.

American values embodied: truth; justice; American way; tight clothing; undocumented immigration

--Crunk Raconteur

9. Capt. H.M. "Howlin' Mad" Murdock. "In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team."

Hilarity, as we all know, ensued.

Also, he's apparently a hit on my current side of the pond, too.

American values embodied: Vigilantism; the right to bear arms; van ownership.


8. Butterstick the Baby Panda. We live in a time of intense polarization, which is always evident in our nation’s capital. The two sides can't agree on anything.

Anything, that is, but this: We all love that freaking baby panda so much that it hurts.

Some of us love him so much that they hacked the online poll to determine his name so we could vote for “Butterstick,” and some of us love him so much they were willing to put out just to see him. The sheer amount of productivity that was lost, as hundreds of thousands of people spent their work days watching the Panda Cam, is mind-boggling.

Unfortunately, time is running out. On his second birthday we have to give the little guy back to China, so get your Butterstick merchandise while you still can. Free Butterstick!

American Values Embodied: multiculturalism; love of child stars; anti-communism; handjobs; workplace slacking; computer piracy; grassroots commercialism.

--Crunk Raconteur

7. Blog Perv Danielle, Her Majesty the Queen of 2006 ("BPDHMQ2K6"). Aside from the fact that she isn't much of a drunk, BPDHMQ2K6 is exactly the kind of chick that America needs more of.

She actively loves college football.

She claims to be fascinated by porn, and discusses it openly.

She is tolerant of bad behavior, whether it's vomiting into empty beer pitchers or dudes shouting in her apartment.

She likes the Shake Shack.

When she showed up at Brian's Memorial Day barbecue with a nicely-racked friend, Flop spent several hours hoping that there was lesbianism involved. BPDHMQ2K6 was unoffended.

BPDHMQ2K6 never takes too long getting ready, never obsesses about her hair, and has zero patience for high-strung girly girls. Aside from her fondness for tiaras and the fact that she's a chick, you could mistake her for an eighth-year senior in charge of the Sigma Chi house. We mean that in a good way.

American values embodied: liking football; being a perv.


6. Mark Cuban. The modern Bill Veeck is loud, aggravating, and an obnoxious whiner.

But I read something about him that made me see him in a light. It was just a question: "If your favorite team were for sale, wouldn’t you want Mark Cuban to buy it?" And I would, a thousand times over. If I had any chance of affecting it, I would be actively agitating for Cuban to buy the Cavaliers from Dan Gilbert, if only because Cuban is the only owner who would do whatever it takes to keep LeBron.

Besides, at least when he whines, it’s entertaining. Like the time he ended up working behind the counter at a Dairy Queen to prove a point.

American values embodied: shitty blogging; excessive wealth; bad haircuts; whining; Dairy Queen; nerd hegemony; unnecessary extravagance.

--Crunk Raconteur

5. Axl Rose. Making a repeat appearance, yes, but how could we not reward the Mike Tyson of hard rock? Since we last honored him, he bit the leg of a Swedish bodyguard and got into a fight with fashion mogul and well-known pussy Tommy Hilfiger. These are two things that I wouldn't have the guts to do, no matter how much I'd like to or how much the situation demanded. There needs to be much more of this, particularly when it comes to punishing those whose livelihoods depend on fashion.

It's almost two decades since Appetite for Destruction came along and changed the life of everyone born in the '70s who isn't deaf. If you can't still rock out to "Welcome to the Jungle," you're someone I don't want to drink with.

American values embodied: Biting; beating down a fancy fuck; substance abuse; rock.


4. Estes Kefauver. One night at Dempsey's Pub, CrimeNotes, Bitey and I were discussing random politicians in American history.

CrimeNotes mentioned Estes Kefauver, and then was amazed that both of us at the table knew who he was. The conversation didn't end until Bitey's immortal words: "Estes Kefauver can suck my twat!"

I knew him as that guy with the '50s-style glasses from my parents' coffee table book of photos from Life magazine. But Kefauver was one of the more influential progressive politicians in American history, having been around both to support the New Deal and to stand up to racists in his own party decades later. The three Democrats who didn't sign the Southern Manifesto opposing integration were Lyndon Johnson, Al Gore Sr. and Kefauver. Not bad company.

Of course, Kefauver was vilified. He fought for antitrust legislation and consumer protection laws, which everyone knows are bad for business, bad for America, and communist.

In fact, in 1948 he was accused of being in cahoots with the commies. To refute the allegations, which compared him to a raccoon, Kefauver donned a coonskin hat and made a televised speech.

It was such a hit that he took his unique brand of haberdashery to the hustings, wearing the cap in every campaign, including his 1952 presidential run. Which should just be further proof he's the beacon the Democratic party is sorely missing.

American values embodied: Progressivism, wearing dead animals, chutzpah.


3. Rutherford B. Hayes. The 19th president of the United States, he remains the only non-appointed president to win office despite losing the popular vote. He was known for his coarse, imposing beard.

Most importantly, he's a hero in Paraguay. He arbitrated a dispute between that nation and Argentina and decided in Paraguay's favor. Paraguay has named a province AND a city for him. It would be like the United States turning to international soccer star Barriaga, or perhaps Arriaga 2, to solve an international dispute, and then renaming Colorado and Denver for him.

Hayes is also one of the many mediocre presidents produced by the state of Ohio, and his official presidential center is conveniently located off the Ohio Turnpike in Fremont. Of course, he may be the greatest President produced by Fremont, but he's only the second-greatest American produced by that city ...

President Rutherford B. Hayes presides over a Cabinet meeting in this daguerrotype from 1879. Also shown: Secretary of State William M. Evarts (seated); Attorney General Charles Devens (No. 42).

American values embodied: Ability to juke defenders out of shoes.


2. Summer Fucking Sanders. Summer Fucking Sanders can't get into an airport because every time she goes through security the metal detectors blow their wads.

She can only say, "What the balls is your problem? I'm Summer Fucking Sanders. Oh, are my gold fucking medals upsetting your little machine? Perhaps you'd like my tender little foot up your twat."

Little known facts about Summer Fucking Sanders: She bathes in Old Style Lager; she only eats what she kills; she ghostwrote LFO's "Summer Girls"; she has a peanut allergy yet is immune to arsenic; she has publicly pledged to dismember any mermaid on sight; she attracts lightning; she shits titanium; her favorite color is orange.

When he was 23, Flop met Summer Fucking Sanders, and like every human (male and female, gay and straight) he wanted to tap that ass. When he spoke, Summer Fucking Sanders gazed wearily past him. To her eternal heartbreak, the only male powerful enough to pleasure her was sired by Zeus and a hippo. You know him as Alasdair from You Can't Do That on Television.

American values embodied: hotness; badassery; gold fucking medals


1. Thomas Jefferson
What did you expect? Thanks for putting pen to paper 230 years ago, T.J. If it weren't for you, Kevin Federline would have been in this spot.

Happy July 4th, homies.

Also receiving votes: Harry Anderson; Andre the Giant; Andrea Barber; Moses Cleaveland; Cool Papa Bell; Bitey; Clarence Darrow; P. Diddy; Hugh Downs; William Faulkner; Craig Finn; Benjamin Franklin; World B. Free; Morgan Freeman; Elbridge Gerry; Evil Girl; Alexander Hamilton; Mike Hart; Harlan Hatcher; Hiawatha; HMQ2K5; Desmond Howard; Montell Jordan; Kleinbaum; Bernie Kosar; John Larroquette; Abraham Lincoln; Shirley McFee; James Madison; Chief Justice John Marshall; Richard Moll; Oprah; Chris Perry; Charles P. Pierce; Markie Post; Elwood Reid; Franklin Roosevelt; Babe Ruth; Charles Sumner; Uma Thurman; Mark Twain; Marsha Warfield; Chief Justice Earl Warren; George Washington; Ralph Williams; Winston.


Tommy O said...

T.J. American values embodied: passing off other people's ideas as your own.

Jeff said...

This is all kinds of awesome. The "also receiving votes" section alone, could fill up another half dozen posts. Brilliant.

Crunk Raconteur said...

The inexplicable hatred Tom has for Thomas Jefferson is really bizarre.

I'm sure he's also upset that Jefferson exceeded his powers as president by circumventing the Senate in completing the Louisiana purchase (yet, strangely, holding people without charge, trial, or rights in Cuba is fine)...

CrimeNotes said...

In truth, I'm not a huge Jefferson fan either. He wrote pretty but didn't understand a thing about economics.

Thanks, Jeff. I was worried that using the word "twat" twice might be overkill and that Murdock would be too controversial.

Tommy O said...

I wouldn't say that I "hate" Thomas Jefferson. But I do think that there are plenty of other patriots that would deserve the number one ranking more than TJ. But it isn't my blog so I only get to make snide comments.

CrimeNotes said...

Since the 4th of July commemorates the Declaration of Independence, and since Jefferson wrote it, it's kind of the only choice.

Crunk Raconteur said...

Strangely, I do kind of agree with all this, but in a slightly different way, which I will explain in my next post.