Pants!

Much like 2002, one of the most enjoyable things I’ve read about the World Cup this year has been Michael Davies’s running diary on ESPN.com. The best entries have been about England’s matches, titled “England Are Pants” and “England Are Pants…Again.” Whether this is a Britishism I’m unaware of (it’s a synonym for “bad”), or simply the doing of a creative England fan (like Davies), I giggle every time I read it. So, since it is Friday, I don’t feel like starting the post series I have planned for next week, and as a homage, here are my personal rankings for the week, like Davies, in ascending order of pantsness.

NO PANTS AT ALL

Univision: So, I’ve been watching a lot of World Cup coverage on Univision. They do soccer so well that I could pretty much follow the announcers even though I don’t speak Spanish. As a bonus, hearing the rapid fire Spanish announcing interspersed with a name like, say, Schweinsteiger, is always fun.

Outdoor Drinking: In these last few days before this town reverts to the malarial swamp from whence it came, I’ve enjoyed cool, tasty beers (and less-cool, but still tasty, and blessedly free Scotch) in venues ranging from barbecues to outdoor patios at bars to my own balcony, and all of them were incredibly satisfying. Good times all around.

SHORT PANTS

Washington Post Style Section: As I said before, I thoroughly enjoyed the Flag Day article and its delightfully subversive page placement. Downgraded slightly for the Reliable Source complaining about too few DC people on the People “Hottest Bachelors” list, when it’s the responsibility of people like them to hype DC bachelors! Come on, Amy and Roxanne, get cracking so this doesn’t happen again next year. And remember, that’s “Crunk” with a C.

THOSE GIRLY CAPRI PANTS THAT YOU SOMETIMES SEE GUYS WEARING

My Office Cable Service: On Monday, I had to watch Team USA’s on Univision because I don’t get ESPN2 on my office TV. Now, I like Univision soccer coverage, but come on. All over the world, national holidays are declared on days the national team plays, and I couldn’t even watch it in a language that I speak. This would have ranked lower if I had not discovered a grainy ESPN2 feed yesterday on a channel that usually has nothing, but I still missed USA, and I’m bitter.

PANTS

Washington Nationals: Got swept in a four-game series by the Colorado Rockies at home, giving up an average of 8.75 runs per game. Seriously, guys, these games were at RFK, not Coors. How does ANYBODY average almost 9 runs a game over a 4-game series there, much less the freaking Rockies? I know Bush’s Washington likes to help out faith-based organizations, but come on now. Now they get 6 straight games with the Yankees and Red Sox. Ugh.

USA Soccer: I know nothing about soccer, but watching the match, I noticed something. Every player on the US team was faster than every player on the Czech team. And none of you players or coaches could figure out a way to exploit that advantage? Eddie “The Assassin” Johnson is the only thing between you and Absolute Pants.

ABSOLUTE PANTS

Congressional Republicans: For their Iraq debate stunt. Those who are not serious about the business of governing should not be allowed to do so.

Ben Roethlisberger: For his statement today, where he said he will never again ride a motorcycle without a helmet. What? Seriously, Ben, you incomprehensible idiot, the lesson you should be taking away from this is not riding a motorcycle again PERIOD.