Friday, June 16, 2006

Pants!

Much like 2002, one of the most enjoyable things I’ve read about the World Cup this year has been Michael Davies’s running diary on ESPN.com. The best entries have been about England’s matches, titled “England Are Pants” and “England Are Pants…Again.” Whether this is a Britishism I’m unaware of (it’s a synonym for “bad”), or simply the doing of a creative England fan (like Davies), I giggle every time I read it. So, since it is Friday, I don’t feel like starting the post series I have planned for next week, and as a homage, here are my personal rankings for the week, like Davies, in ascending order of pantsness.

NO PANTS AT ALL

Univision: So, I’ve been watching a lot of World Cup coverage on Univision. They do soccer so well that I could pretty much follow the announcers even though I don’t speak Spanish. As a bonus, hearing the rapid fire Spanish announcing interspersed with a name like, say, Schweinsteiger, is always fun.

Outdoor Drinking: In these last few days before this town reverts to the malarial swamp from whence it came, I’ve enjoyed cool, tasty beers (and less-cool, but still tasty, and blessedly free Scotch) in venues ranging from barbecues to outdoor patios at bars to my own balcony, and all of them were incredibly satisfying. Good times all around.

SHORT PANTS

Washington Post Style Section: As I said before, I thoroughly enjoyed the Flag Day article and its delightfully subversive page placement. Downgraded slightly for the Reliable Source complaining about too few DC people on the People “Hottest Bachelors” list, when it’s the responsibility of people like them to hype DC bachelors! Come on, Amy and Roxanne, get cracking so this doesn’t happen again next year. And remember, that’s “Crunk” with a C.

THOSE GIRLY CAPRI PANTS THAT YOU SOMETIMES SEE GUYS WEARING

My Office Cable Service: On Monday, I had to watch Team USA’s on Univision because I don’t get ESPN2 on my office TV. Now, I like Univision soccer coverage, but come on. All over the world, national holidays are declared on days the national team plays, and I couldn’t even watch it in a language that I speak. This would have ranked lower if I had not discovered a grainy ESPN2 feed yesterday on a channel that usually has nothing, but I still missed USA, and I’m bitter.

PANTS

Washington Nationals: Got swept in a four-game series by the Colorado Rockies at home, giving up an average of 8.75 runs per game. Seriously, guys, these games were at RFK, not Coors. How does ANYBODY average almost 9 runs a game over a 4-game series there, much less the freaking Rockies? I know Bush’s Washington likes to help out faith-based organizations, but come on now. Now they get 6 straight games with the Yankees and Red Sox. Ugh.

USA Soccer: I know nothing about soccer, but watching the match, I noticed something. Every player on the US team was faster than every player on the Czech team. And none of you players or coaches could figure out a way to exploit that advantage? Eddie “The Assassin” Johnson is the only thing between you and Absolute Pants.

ABSOLUTE PANTS

Congressional Republicans: For their Iraq debate stunt. Those who are not serious about the business of governing should not be allowed to do so.

Ben Roethlisberger: For his statement today, where he said he will never again ride a motorcycle without a helmet. What? Seriously, Ben, you incomprehensible idiot, the lesson you should be taking away from this is not riding a motorcycle again PERIOD.

8 comments:

Ceil said...

Regarding Ben Roethlisberger, if you actually did the 2 minutes of research and read his statement, you'd find that he said, "If I ever ride again, it certainly will be with a helmet." Oddly enough, you can find his entire response on Steelers.com. It's a whole four paragraphs. You'll want to pace yourself.

CrimeNotes said...

If I've told Ceil once, I've told her a thousand times: Stop obsessing about thoroughness and accuracy!

CrimeNotes said...

Also, Ben's "if" doesn't do anything to mitigate Crunk's point.

Crunk Raconteur said...

As it happens I did read the statement. I was paraphrasing, and that "if" is, in fact, the key word. The whole thing was carefully worded, with the intended impression being that he won't ride a motorcycle again.

But that's not what he said.

I am never one of those people that expect athletes to be a role model and, "oh won't someone think of the children" and all that. Is some idiot going to stab a dude just because Ray Lewis did? No.

But the self-selected sample of people who might be stupid enough to ride a motorcycle without a helmet are also the sort of people stupid enough to do so because their hero, Ben Roethlisberger, feels so much more free without it.

Maybe I was harsh in my criticism (man, Steelers fans are defensive!), so I'll modify. I saw that, in the aftermath of this, Kellen Winslow said he'll never ride a motorcycle again, period. So, maybe I should just say this. Ben Roethlisberger: He's dumber than Kellen Winslow.

CrimeNotes said...

It's kind of like saying, "I ever shoot up with homeless junkies again, it certainly will be with a clean needle."

Tommy O said...

Homer: Don't you hate PANTS?!?!

Matt said...

Yes, Steelers fans are pretty defensive; and yes, riding a motorcycle is always dangerous and (in my mind) pretty dumb.

Winslow was learning to ride a bike, and riding by himself doing wheelies in a parking lot, whereafter he lost an entire season of his career.

Roethlisberger was riding at the speed limit on a public street and failed to notice that the oncoming driver had failed to yield. He is lucky not to be dead, but his injuries are not that severe after all.

So, who is dumber? The guy who was out practicing for the X games, or the guy who pretty safely -- albeit without a helmet and the proper license -- rode a bike because he enjoyed it?

Again, I think riding without a helmet is idiotic. But if you think Winslow is smarter than Roethlisberger, you're wrong. Winslow is still the same jackass who compared himself to a warrior while playing football at the University of Miami, with guys dying in Iraq every day. Roethlisberger is a nice kid who messed up and knows it.

CrimeNotes said...

Despite the possibly jerkish tone of our comments, I think everybody here has a high opinion of Roethlisberger and wishes him the best. My reaction went from, "Holy shit, that's awful, I hope he's okay," to, "Holy shit, I'm so glad he's okay," to, "Wow, you lucky idiot. Don't fuck up again." I'd pull for him over a Manning in a heartbeat.