Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Because I'm tough

It didn't matter that I woke up this morning shaking, feverish, my joints sore, that the room was spinning when I was in bed and that I felt sick when I walked down into the subway station.

By noon lesions appeared on my body, blood drained from my orifices, I lost vision in one eye, my hearing was gone, your mother sucks cocks in hell, a parakeet hatched from my stomach, my knees had chicken pox, I could no longer walk in a straight line, I convulsed every 15 minutes, I gnashed my teeth and bit the recess lady's breast, my teeth fell out, my urine glowed (fluorescent orange), my fins were rotting, I hallucinated that "Flop" shot me in No Country For Old Men, and I needed hip replacement surgery.

Baby doesn't take sick days.

15 comments:

dmbmeg said...

Oh, Baby. You do realize by not taking sick days you are infecting everyone around you? God, I hope you didn't touch the subway pole.

I know a lot of people don't like to take sick days, but hearing people coughing up a lung in the cube next to me is horrible.

I'm sorry you're sick :( But seriously, just get over it and stay home.

crimenotes said...

No.

Besides, no one hears the coughing but my secretary.

I can't tell how much is genuine sickness or consequential caffeine/nicotine withdrawal.

dmbmeg said...

Besides, no one hears the coughing but my secretary.

[chuckle]

Are you riding public transportation? Seriously dude. You're infecting others. Stay the fuck home.

crimenotes said...

No.

flop said...

I didn't take a single sick day for the first five days of my professional career. This included a six-week bout with mono. Then I realized that the only person in the office who thought that was worthy was the resident obnoxious tool.

And I realized I was probably infecting people, too.

You should add the "I'm a germ-spewing toolbox" label to this post.

CrimeNotes said...

Okay: Flop's a germ-spewing toolbox.

(I'm realizing we work in different professional environments. Mine does not look kindly at stay home sick, like at all.)

Rick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
flop said...

Yes, well, you do much more important work than the rest of us.

CrimeNotes said...

This blog continues to be a really wonderful experience. I love our well thought out posts, the subtle and nuanced comments that never take themselves too seriously, and especially how they always refrain from drawing the most extreme, hostile and baseless conclusions possible.

This is so much fun. I'm lucky to be part of it. I hope it goes on forever! Thanks again.

CrimeNotes said...

I'm especially pleased that instead of being read as an excuse to write a paragraph listing bizarre, fabricated and pointless medical symptoms, the post has become a forum about personal ethics and hurt feelings over career choices.

No, really, it's always a joy. I fucking love it. Very rewarding.

dmbmeg said...

I didn't take a single sick day for the first five days of my professional career.

I couldn't handle not taking a sick day after 3 days of work. This is impressive.

Cock D said...

You know, I believed your symptoms until your symptoms became lyrics of Pearl Jam songs....

Well played.

evil girl said...

while i'm still pretty sure children are the carriers of all disease, i'm going to guess you weren't helping today.

and don't infect your secretary. that just makes you a dick.

flop said...

Whoa, whose feelings are hurt? Because mine sure aren't.

How come the only person whose comments can be wildy over-the-top hostile and insincere are yours?

crimenotes said...

Yes, I'm extremely proud of myself as well. That's why I love this project.