Monday, January 14, 2008

Drama in my pants

Two of my favorite pairs of work pants have sizable holes in their front-left pockets.

Front-left pocket is for keys and cigarettes. Front-right pocket is for wallet.

While dressing this morning (one leg at a time, just like the rest of you fuckers) I inspected the hole in the front-left pocket. It seemed small enough to contain my keys.

As I walked to the office this morning, I felt warm metal scrape down my leg. My heart skipped a beat.

I was walking over subway grating.

The keys made a soft landing, settling between the cuff of my pants and my left shoe. I paused and carefully picked out my keys. They didn't fall through the grating, thank balls. My spare set of keys is with a high school friend who lives in California. If I lost my keys, I probably would have been so frustrated by the prospect of dealing with a locksmith that I would have abandoned my current apartment, found a new one by Friday (probably on the same block) and started over from scratch.

The sidewalk wasn't crowded, but it was crowded enough for fellow pedestrians to notice the tall handsome man bend over and produce keys from his shoe.

From now on, when I wear the pants with the holes in the pockets, the keys need to be carried on the right, not the left.

Dramatic re-creation.

14 comments:

dmbmeg said...

you have an excessive amount of drama with your wardrobe.

Flop said...

Sounds to me like the drama was outside your pants. Or at least co-located with your keys, which spent some of the time in your pants, some time on your shoe and nearly wound up in some tunnel person's shopping cart.

crimenotes said...

That doesn't even make sense.

The drama was in my pants because of the hole in my pocket. The pocket is inside my pants, as were the keys. The dramatic re-creation is potentially misleading because it implies that the keys landed on my shoe; the text makes clear that the keys slid down internally and rested at the nexus of sock, shoe and pant.

That's the difference between a dramatic re-creation and journalism.

evil girl said...

you should get a key-wallet, gramps. it'll keep the keys from tearing up your pockets.

Crunk Raconteur said...

Either that or a wallet chain, to lend you an air of mid-to-late-90s alt rock guy...

I would suggest just buying some new pants, but I do remember the man-capri-pants incident...

double entendre said...

Maybe getting locked out of your apartment will finally be the impetus for you to move to the Meatpacking District.

Flop said...

You should keep your keys on a watch fob hooked to your waistcoat.

DrunkBrunch said...

I don't know you well enough to suggest a man-purse, but the metrosexuals I know say they're all the rage.

Cock D said...

Keys? KEYS?!?! You're in New York - it's not like you need them for driving and you can always just leave your place unlocked, right?

Frighteningly, I have a friend in Hell's Kitchen who leaves his apartment unlocked but does need a key for the front door. Damned security conscious neighbors.

CrimeNotes said...

The variety and helpfulness of these suggestions impresses me. Thank you all. If I use any of them, I will let you know.

JHC said...

You need to affix them to your belt, a la Schneider.

CrimeNotes said...

Am considering looping them through a string and carrying them around on my neck, a la Jack Shepherd.

JHC said...

What use does a world renowned cave diver have for keys? Seems superfluous.

crimenotes said...

I had the stealthy 18th century British thief in mind. If diver Jack Sheppard carried keys around his neck, they'd get rusty.