Two of my favorite pairs of work pants have sizable holes in their front-left pockets.
Front-left pocket is for keys and cigarettes. Front-right pocket is for wallet.
While dressing this morning (one leg at a time, just like the rest of you fuckers) I inspected the hole in the front-left pocket. It seemed small enough to contain my keys.
As I walked to the office this morning, I felt warm metal scrape down my leg. My heart skipped a beat.
I was walking over subway grating.
The keys made a soft landing, settling between the cuff of my pants and my left shoe. I paused and carefully picked out my keys. They didn't fall through the grating, thank balls. My spare set of keys is with a high school friend who lives in California. If I lost my keys, I probably would have been so frustrated by the prospect of dealing with a locksmith that I would have abandoned my current apartment, found a new one by Friday (probably on the same block) and started over from scratch.
The sidewalk wasn't crowded, but it was crowded enough for fellow pedestrians to notice the tall handsome man bend over and produce keys from his shoe.
From now on, when I wear the pants with the holes in the pockets, the keys need to be carried on the right, not the left.