Thursday, January 03, 2008

I kan haz kawkus LOLzy? Another liveblogging experience

Why, hello friends.

There's an informal tradition on this site that political spectacles get a special live-blogging treatment. This tries all of our patience, true, but what else is new?


I'm going to be flipping between MSNBC's maniacal belching and the maniacal belching of the Fox team announcing the Orange Bowl. At around 9 p.m., Chris Matthews joined Keith Olberman on a set that resembles nothing less than a day-glo blue electronic cathedral. I'm not much into aesthetics myself, so upon regarding something and thinking, "My, that's hideous," perhaps it's a sign that something is going wrong.

Matthews already has declared Obama a "man of the third world" and a Kenyan, then said that if Obama wins Iowa it will be as big as Ronald Reagan beating Jimmy Carter in 1980. Not quite, but the man just gets so excitable that he loses control of the syllables that spill out of that Stay-Puft little head.

9:06 p.m.: MSNBC has called the Republican race for Huckabee. I've got a little fondness for him, but we're not here to talk about that kind of stuff tonight.

9:07 p.m.: Oh, hi, friends. Dinner has just been delivered, from a nice little restaurant called Odessa on Avenue A. I shall be dining on the Odessa Dinner Combination, a nice little platter that includes a stuffed cabbage, kielbasa and pierogies. It promises to be delicious. Won't you join me? Pour yourself a nice cup of cocoa, snuggle up by the hearth, and let's enjoy a cold winter's night of caucusing, Orange Bowl and fellowship.

9:13 p.m.: The lovely and very bright panel on MSNBC are ringing the death bells of Mitt Romney's campaign (this would please me enormously) and predicting a McCain-Huckabee contest. Wouldn't that be nice?

9:16 p.m.: In news that actually matters, I'm learning that Kansas is beating Virginia Tech 10-0 early in the second quarter. This would be another nice surprise after the West Virginia win yesterday and the Michigan win on Tuesday, right? I've really enjoyed Todd Reesing this fall, and the portly visage of his large-pored coach, and would be pretty delighted to see a Kansas upset. And you know, I really dislike most Cinderellas in college football -- Cinderella is a euphemism for unexposed, Colt Brennan. Kansas, on the other hand, has often played very good football. This would be a nice win.

9:21 p.m.: Chris fuckin' Matthews is preoccupied with establishing a narrative that we'll have a presidential race between a Kenyan and an evangelical preacher.

9:25 p.m.: Goodness, friends! MSNBC has called the caucus for Iowa. That could bring this experience to a quick conclusion. Cue Chris Matthews: "This is Lexington and Concord. ... a guy named Barack Hussein Obama ... grew up in Indonesia ... on a victory projectile to win the Democratic nomination." Matthews also went on at great length about Nancy Pelosi's challenges as Senate majority leader.

9:29 p.m.: Chris Matthews has identified this evening as a triumph for blacks and a setback for women. Mr. Matthews shall not be invited to dine at my hearth and sip the house cocoa.

9:31 p.m.: Kansas 17, Virginia Tech 0. I just invented a cheer: "Hook 'em, 'hawks!"

9:39 p.m.: Sad news: VaTech just scored, friends. 17-7 with 1:24 left in the half. I caught the tail end of the drive. If Fox's announcers are to be credited, Virginia Tech has just found success with the run, and should continue to run.

9:42 p.m.: Serious Interval. I really despise when political journalists go out to the countryside and marvel at that thoughtfulness of the yeomen who participate in the political process. This is wrong for two reasons. First reason: No shit there are people not living in metropolises who know things and give a damn. Second reason: I'm sure plenty of those people are petty, vengeful, ignorant pricks, too. Just because they went to public school doesn't make them marvels.

9:54 p.m.: Chris Matthews to Obama campaign manager: "What is your candidate's appeal to younger women as opposed to older women?"

9:57 p.m.: Oh, gracious, friends. I'm sad to report that the halftime show of the Orange Bowl features ZZ Top playing "Sharp Dressed Man" while a squadron of girls in shiny silver dresses shake their booties on the field. It's like an early Puffy video for the trailer park set. (I can say this because I am both an Eastern elite and a member of the trailer park set.)

10:04 p.m.: I will vote Duncan Hunter for president if he promises that Fox will never have another BCS contract.

10:17 p.m.: Odd. Fox announcers just reported that Kansas was concerned about in-game rain because Todd Reesing's hands "are not real big." Huh.

10:21 p.m.: I know what Barack Obama, John Edwards and Mike Huckabee are not: vacant-eyed robot Stepford candidates who have lived depraved existences dedicated to the accumulation of power. There are many reasons not to like them, but it might be nice to wake up one morning in 2009 with a president who has lived a normal life and done many normal things, whether or not we personally can identify with those things.

10:26 p.m.: How is your cocoa? Tasty? Yum.

More high horse, friends! I have learned to live with the possibility of a second Clinton presidency. Flanked by Bill, Madeline Albright, Tom Vilsack and Wes Clark, she gave a great little concession speech focused more on the Democratic Party than her own candidacy. I really liked it. It was a little pep rally for a Democratic victory in November. But you watch that crew and hope that their time has passed. They've been visionless leaders, and if they're slightly less responsible than their rival dynasty for the past 20 years of untrammeled greed, dishonesty and bloodlust, they carry a significant share of the responsibility, regardless of party affiliation. Obama, Edwards and Huckabee are all game-changers. Hillary Clinton is part of the problem. I would love for that era to pass.

Now is the time on Cole Slaw when we dance.

1o:38 p.m.: Oh, hoot! Chuck Norris is standin' next to Huckabee for his victory speech. The MILFy lady must be Chuck's wife. Striking! Nice 'lil speech by Huckabee, who could occasionally be mistaken for a progressive until you recall that he venerates the fetus and thinks Darwin is hooey.

According to imdb, Mr. Norris's trademark is that he's a good guy to the bone "despite having harmful martial arts skills." He would prefers to fight only when other solutions are not feasible. Chuck Norris is 5'10 and 67 years old. He was born in Ryan, Oklahoma. His fetching wife is named Gena O'Kelley. They have two children.

10:52 p.m.: Oh spit. Back in the world that matters, Virginia Tech has had a little comeback, and the game is 17-14 late in the 3d quarter. Hook 'em, 'hawks!

Also, someone needs to take care of that "crunchy chewy cheesy melty" couple in the Taco Bell ads. Like, In Cold Blood, No Country for Old Men kind of care. Bitch needs to control her appetites and the husband needs to stop being enabling her retarded, unhealthy whims. Paging Messrs. Chigurh and Hickock. Apologies if I offend delicate sensibilities on our cozy night together.

10:59 p.m.: It's late, I want to clean my bathroom before I go to bed, and the Orange Bowl is now much more interesting than the caucuses. It's what we should have been watching all along.

Good night, and I herein state my official endorsement for the next president of the United States, Barack Obama.


dmbmeg said...

Oh sweet jesus.

dmbmeg said...

And since when is Hugh Jackman running for president?

Flop said...

I wonder if the whispering campaign in South Carolina will involve Huckabee having once been spotting frenching Mark Mangino.

dmbmeg said...

Um, why are they talking about Jim Crow? They do realize Obama is white, right?

dmbmeg said...

Chris Matthews' forehead has more botox in it than Nicole Kidman.

CrimeNotes said...

Sizzle sizzle.

flop said...

Who do ZZ Top think will be able to best carry their momentum through New Hampshire?

CrimeNotes said...

Great minds, sir.

dmbmeg said...

Bitch needs to control her appetites and the husband needs to stop being enabling her retarded, unhealthy whims.

I know right? Pregnant women can still drive.

Oops Pow Surprise said...

10:21 p.m.: I know what Barack Obama, John Edwards and Mike Huckabee are not: vacant-eyed robot Stepford candidates who have lived depraved existences dedicated to the accumulation of power.

CrimeNotes owes the President an apology.

Mitt Romney

crimenotes said...

I owe everyone an apology.

Also, I was just looking at that ZZ Top photo. The ass of the woman on the right just does not look correct. It's very narrow and angular. Her entire body looks like a multiple-jointed leg. She is troubled, and she has had a difficult life, I think. When she wakes most mornings she can't feel her thumbs; all she wants is the next hit.

flop said...

So, what, 90,000 Iowans just put Obama on the rail?

Crunk Raconteur said...

"MSNBC has called the Republican race for Huckabee. I've got a little fondness for him, but we're not here to talk about that kind of stuff tonight."

And the outlines of the next incident where my constant snarky barbs make Crimenotes either A) call me an asshole and storm off, or B) quit his blog again, are becoming clear...

Random note: the other day, I managed to keep a straight face while telling people I supported Ron Paul for like a full 30 seconds. I was very proud.

crimenotes said...

Yeah, asshole, I'll look forward to being called a traitor to the Democratic Party and then go on to explain the difference between liking and supporting. Those conversations are always a blast.