Thursday, January 03, 2008

New Year's Resolutions: 2008

This year, I resolve to ...

Stop taking first dates to Pax, visibly sighing when they order the specialty soup, then coming home and watching old episodes of Charles in Charge, hoping that Nicole Eggert or Josie Davis will be wearing something that shows her navel.

Stop choosing the "Bill Me Later" option when buying tickets on Continental.com, then hiding in my bedroom when angry pilots come knock on my door, demanding that I pay up, because "Larry don't like deadbeats."

Just write a check for $100 to my high school's general fund and be done with it this time, rather than insisting on a breakdown based on departments and teachers I liked and disliked, even if the Classics department said it was no big deal that they were stuck with Domino while Modern Languages got Sugar in the Raw.

Take the steps, unless the floor I'm going to is really high. In which case, I can take the elevator, but I have to walk in place the whole time.

Start every day with 25 pushups, 25 situps and and an apple. Pears would also do.

Not start smoking, like I have for each of the past 30-some years.

Finally submit that draft proposal of a new MTA Subway map, renaming each line for a prominent figure in New York City and State history, to Albany. The 4-5-6 will be the George, James and DeWitt Clinton lines; the 1-2-3 can be the Mario, Andrew and Chris Cuomo lines. Moynihan gets the A train. Mets fans will come to know and love that the Gouverneur Morris is the only way to get to Citifield.

Finally read all the books on my shelves I haven't yet. Including: The Oresteia, The Sun Also Rises, 1991 Cleveland Indians media guide.

Stop hiding alarm clocks set to 5:37 a.m. in various corners of CrimeNotes' apartment every time I visit.

Masturbate less furtively. Even if my girlfriend is trying to sleep next to me. It's a doberman, let it have its ears.

Finally start using that Nordic Track.

12 comments:

crimenotes said...

This was pleasant and witty until it became horrifying.

It's time for me to retire and let dmbmeg be your new co-blogger.

dmbmeg said...

crimentoes-
You've contemplated retirement more than Brett Favre. Just put us all out of our misery do it already.

But you are right, Flop on a Nordic Track is pretty horrifying.

dmbmeg said...

CRIMENTOES!

Flop said...

his was pleasant and witty until it became horrifying.

Says the person who goes around offering -- unsolicited -- his semen to every female friend of ours who suggests she might be unmarried past the age of 32, after one of them made an offhand comment about getting a sperm donor two years ago.

dmbmeg said...

goes around offering -- unsolicited -- his semen to every female friend of ours who suggests she might be unmarried past the age of 32.

And here comes the Anti-Christ.

JHC said...

I...
what Crimentoes said.

evil girl said...

I'm still stuck on the image of C-notes makin' sweet love to a turkey baster. I may never be able to celebrate Thanksgiving again.

crimenotes said...

1. Actually, I'm the one who's solicited. Today I made a rare offer to someone in need.
2. Private correspondence, particularly of such a personal nature, should not be repeated on here without pre-clearance.
3. No, dmbmeg, the anti-Christ would be if you and Flop spawned.
4. Yeah, I know, it's time to hang up my cleats.
5. I don't think evil girl understands the process.

dmbmeg said...

No, dmbmeg, the anti-Christ would be if you and Flop spawned.

That baby would have the softest hair, EVER. Evil, sure, but prettiest hair? No contest.

Anonymous said...

Like an extremely pale Diana Ross.

crimenotes said...

And a loud Diana Ross whose catchphrase is, "Pull my finger."

dmbmeg said...

"anonymous"-
Har har har.

crimenotes-
I prefer, "Have you seen my baseball?"