Monday, February 12, 2007

Anna Nicole's shocking death inspires self-reflection

I have all kinds of days where I wish I had been born legally stupid, so that I wouldn't sit around worrying about a war in Iraq or roll in bed until 3 a.m. pondering whether my job reflects my values.

And so I fantasize that I had been born the kind of person who wears a hemp necklace and tends bar in Florida and doesn't vote, and that I had these just huge pecs and got sweet suntans and laughed out loud at Maxim and banged girls who work in retail. My only worries, therefore, would involve how frickin' sweet my tan is, how big my awesome pecs are and what kind of beer I'd drink before scoring some hot retail 'tang in Florida.

I think, "Wow, it would be nice to get by on looks, spend life drunk and stupid."


Recent events have prompted me to reconsider this fantasy.

Boobs or pecs, every chest comes with a downside.

19 comments:

double entendre said...

Wow. This is mean.

CrimeNotes said...

Only when divorced from context.

evil girl said...

even divorced from its content. it rings of elitism, but no more than a college education should permit anyone to have.

Anonymous said...

snob.

CrimeNotes said...

Lesson learned. In the future I will refrain from mocking Maxim readers.

And destructive dead hos.

double entendre said...

I think you can mock Maxim readers and Anna Nicole Smith at any time(personally, I'd rather see somebody of your wit mock the mainstream media for making her death a mockable event, but that's for another day). Rather, this is a tad "not nice:"

"I have all kinds of days where I wish I had been born legally stupid, so that I wouldn't sit around worrying about a war in Iraq or roll in bed until 3 a.m. pondering whether my job reflects my values.

And so I fantasize that I had been born the kind of person who wears a hemp necklace and tends bar in Florida and doesn't vote..."

Also, and I could be wrong, but didn't you skip voting once? Whatever, I still love you.

CrimeNotes said...

Any time the underlying purpose and intent of a post needs to be explained, that means that the post has failed. (see also my earlier post of imagined stiff jokes that John Kerry would utter.)

Here is the thought process behind it: making fun of the media is much too obvious and has been done by everybody. Do we really need another person spouting off about the decline of CNN? No. (Do we really need someone making fun of dead Anna Nicole? Answer to that is no, too, but whatever.)

A sincere version of this post would have been to contrast media coverage of Anna Nicole with its coverage of the helicopter crashes in Iraq. That would have been more self-righteous than what I wrote, because who the hell am I to talk about that.

So you think about what would be an angle that's maybe just a little fresh, which in this case was Dean Wormer's admonition that fat drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. And a person occasionally wonders to himself what life would be like if he were hardwired differently, one of them being laid-back carefree party boy -- and yet even laid-back carefree party boy no doubt has its downside.

It seems like the failing of this post (besides the obvious subject matter) was an introduction that came off as self-righteous. Originally I was going to write about my frustrations when people prefer being sensitive and politically correct instead of absorbing the data of hard science and social science, but that had the quality of a rant, was too off-topic, and not sufficiently self-deprecating, so I changed it to what I have above, thinking that it was obvious that I was being a little melodramatic, as underscored by the fantasy life of hemp necklaces and retail 'tang.

As far as the meanness quotient, while I don't have any kind of grudge against this person, she never really did anything, wasn't even a real celebrity, and seemed to be something of a public menace. (See the fate of her son, who, during her reality TV show, was really the only featured player who seemed to display basic consideration and humility.) In light of the way this has been covered, I've don't feel bad about being tough. It says a lot when someone like this is a topic of public mourning.

I also thought that The Daily Show's segment last night was tougher on her than my post, but I'm not sweating it.

And thus, I have explained how the germ of an idea develops into a (possibly failed) cole slaw blog post.

double entendre said...

Coolio. Plus, I rather like retail 'tang. If you haven't picked one up already, I highly suggest you take one for a whirl.


P.S. Rock the vote.

CrimeNotes said...

By "hot retail 'tang in Florida," I of course meant sipping a warm beverage of powdered orange juice while observing a space shuttle launch from afar.

beast of burden said...

I guess you two would agree that this post is about tits, but is not "the tits."

evil girl said...

don't be such a pussy. you were brilliant and i giggled like flop.

winston said...

yeah, i don't know -- i think this woman's life was a complete trainwreck, and that it's fair to call it such. why was she famous? as a playboy model? a bottle blonde with a weight problem? a golddigger? a chick who teetered around in high heels and ridiculous dresses, slurring her way through awards-show speeches? it's hard to show a lot of respect for someone who clearly never respected herself. i do feel sorry for her (because i'm guessing she dealt with some awful shit to wind up such a disaster), but even more so for her infant daughter. in this child's short life, she's endured a mother who probably spent a lot of time on drunks or alcohol, and public debate as to the identity of her father (a truly bizarre cast of contestants). i hate to say it, but this is probably the kid's best crack at a somewhat normal life.

and tang is terrible. drink crystal lite, if you must.

Flop said...

Crikey. I thought this was a great post which needed no explanation.

If the post is flawed, I would say it's because CrimeNotes failed to explain how his as a chesty bedder of Abercrombie and Fitch associates would lead to a similarly unfortunate fate as that of Ms. Anna Nicole.

As for the meanness, I'll take to heart criticism from anyone who hasn't laughed at anything inappropriate in the past. Darwin Awards, "Oh, the humanity," the end of Monty Python's Life of Brian, cracks about Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's _ all come from the same mine of human suffering. It's funny because it's not supposed to be; because it would be offensive to someone.

So if you've made a point of never laughed at that kind of stuff, then you're a better, more caring person than I, and I'll listen to you on this topic.

Everyone else, please peddle your selective sympathy to a more gullible audience. I'm sure the boards at peoplemag.com are just glowing with tribute candles.

The Daily Show got it just right with its "Death of a Person" graphic.

crimenotes said...

To be clear, I didn't feel picked on or put upon in regards to this post. It is what it is, and what it is is intentionally distasteful, so I wasn't expecting huzzahs.

That said, my props to Winston for the realpolitik and saying what I would have said had I actually tackled this fiasco in earnest.

Crunk Raconteur said...

People, people, please! We should be focusing on more important things...like the thing on Sportscenter this morning about how Alan Branch sits around the dining hall COLORING COLORING BOOKS WITH CRAYONS. Methinks I might remember that little anecdote...

As far as Anna Nicole goes, all I've been able to think throughout this whole thing has been, "Wouldn't it be way funnier if this was THE Howard Stern?"

winston said...

for sure.

TommyO said...

won't someone please think of the children?

double entendre said...

Why does nobody understand that the criticism was directed to the poster's disdain for those seemingly less intellectual than he, rather than any disdain for Anna Nicole Snith? Nobody pays any attenmtion any more. They just like to yell.

CrimeNotes said...

Snut teh ufck pu.