Friday, February 09, 2007

Night of the Monkey

It's not always evident by his posts, but Flop is a sort of improvisational genius. He is a master of the non-sequiter, the comic prop, the malapropism and the bizarrely obscure allusion. He has no capacity for shame -- neither yours nor his own.

Flop will turn 30 over the weekend. Rather than write something myself, I undertook some original reporting. Here are a few anecdotes that reflect Flop's entertainment capacity, running from the mid-90s through the present.

Thanks to all who contributed.
  1. As a female friend and I wrapped up another evening of beer pong at a local bar, Flop and the then-boyfriend of said female began slow dancing to Bad Company's "Feel Like Making Love." --NT
  2. When one of our friends was leaving for her freshman year of college, we gathered at her house for goodbyes. In order to lighten the mood, Flop started throwing his keys in the air, hoping those who were sad would be distracted by shiny flying things. It wasn't working, so there was only one thing for Flop to do ... throw harder! With a mighty heave he threw his keys up... up... up... onto the roof of the house. Or so we thought. It was only once he had climbed up onto the roof and was capering around spastically that we realized he had actually thrown the keys completely over the house into the backyard. --CT
  3. Flop celebrated his 21st birthday with the usual suave and finesse. He ended the evening at a local dive bar, where he sat at a table among his peers, listing and swaying like a vessel headed for a watery grave. When it became clear that he was going to need some kind of receptacle -- and quickly -- a friend grabbed one of the empty plastic beer pitchers scattered around the table, and Flop unloaded the cargo before sinking. -ER
  4. The plan was simple: Fly to NYC, hang out with Flop, rent a car, drive to the Jersey shore for a wedding, and then drive home. Being of legal car-renting age, Flop and I would both sign for the car and split driving time. All Flop had to do was renew his drivers license within the 6 month time frame that we formulated the plan. Upon arriving to New York I was informed that Flop did not have a license because he was unable to get his renewed. --TO
  5. Stupid things Flop has made me do: Responding to misogynist bile by biting the closest available hand (unfortunately, not Flop's). Wearing tank top with "weapons of mass seduction" across the chest to soccer game at Giant's Stadium. Visiting Montreal Casino. Spying on former NY governor at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Flop's stupidity: Contributions to the endless supply of jack and ginger. Other dumb Flop things: Spilling a full pint in my lap after I'd snuck around the block to avoid my boyfriend in order to keep drinking. Throwing an umbrella at my feet in the street like a gauntlet. Hanging out in the photo booth at Lakeside Lounge (see Jack and Ginger, above). --J.C.
  6. Several of us were on vacation at the beach in Hilton Head, SC., and we went off to buy provisions. The Five-and-Dime store had lots of random stuff ... and an extra-large inflatable ball. I mean like 4 or 5 feet in diameter, so they even needed to use their air pump to inflate it since it would take a human all week just to blow the thing up. It was way too big to use for anything so it sat there all week -- and at the end of the weekend we needed to deflate it, which took a while. While it was deflating, Flop put a beer bottle in front of the valve to try to make the bottle "sing." -K.D.
  7. There was a night after a Michigan game and many beers at The Hairy Monk. I left to go elsewhere, and after whatever I did (probably some other bar night) I called Flop to see if he was still at the Monk. I returned to find that he not only appeared to have met everyone in the bar, but that he was excitedly talking to a woman. In French. --B.F.
  8. He makes out with girls near smelly men's room doors. He once dumped Budweiser into my coffee, he puked into an empty beer pitcher on his 21st birthday, he likes to shimmy, some people call him Monkey Boy, and during college, a barbecue at his house was interrupted by a family of skunks. He used to adjust himself in public a lot, but not so much lately. --J.E.
Enjoy your thirties, Fucker.


DrunkBrunch said...

Oh snap, this is awesome. I wish my friends would write an alcohol-induced tribute for me. We don't document our social activities too well, due to black outs, paying bail, etc.

Feliz cumpleanos Flop, from one Aquarius to another.

Crunk Raconteur said...

So, wait a minute, now Flop is responsible for Bitey's chomp-a-riffic stylings? Actually, I can see that...

winston said...

oh right, the skunks. also the part where flop thought it would be wise to throw shit at them. that was nice.