Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Only the weak hate cold

You don't know cold from shit.

Where I grew up we had days where school was canceled because of 40-below windchills.

Where I grew up your spit would freeze before it hit the ground.

Sorry, precious, that you bundle up in layers and scarves and hats and gloves and walk around shivering and scowling because it's a balmy fifteen-degrees. I'm the dude who stepped out of his office without putting on a jacket and is taking a short walk around the block while I smoke a cigarette. This is perfectly comfortable. I laugh at your weakness.

Where I grew up we used to wear shorts on the first forty-degree day. It was usually late March. Snow was on the ground. We wore shorts because it felt good.

Where I grew up, on single-digit nights we'd all head out in our snow gear. All the neighborhood kids tied sleds to the back of snowmobiles. The drivers sped through backyards hauling sleds full of kids. It was five degrees.

Where I grew up, you'd cross-country ski shirtless because nine degrees was too hot to wear shirts when you cross-country skied.

Where I grew up, you'd shiv someone with an icicle if they bitched about being cold.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I could have been this kid. Indeed, on Sunday, I would have been this kid, if Flop were more creative with dares. Reports the Associated Press:
A teenager who wanted to continue the family tradition of running around the garden barefoot during halftime of the Super Bowl game has learned a painful lesson.

It was 17 below zero at halftime Sunday in this city about 30 miles northwest of Minneapolis, and D.J. Brown's dad said it was too cold to continue the tradition. But the 18-year-old senior at Buffalo High School ran outside in his T-shirt and jeans, threw off his socks and shoes, and ran around the block.

Brown said he was outside only five minutes, but his feet started swelling and blistering when he got back inside. The pain was excruciating.

"I consider myself having a high pain threshold, and this was just so 10 out of 10," he said. "I was, like, chewing on a towel."

***

Brown, who said he's a straight-A student, chalked up his actions to "teenage arrogance."

Brown hopes others will learn from his mistake. "I wouldn't want anyone else to go through this," he said.
Pussy.

You know what sucks worse than frostbite on your feet?

Summer.

The first day it's 80 degrees, I'm going to be a whiny little bitch. My insides will cook. I'll have sunburns in five minutes and my hair will turn blond. One block walking and I'll be drenched in sweat.

You fuckers will go to the beach. I'll be lying face down in front of an air conditioner, sunburned and blond, wishing it were fifteen degrees so that I could be comfortable and happy.

5 comments:

voidoid said...

Sissy-boy here from San Diego hates the cold. I want to curl up and die. Every time I walk outside it's like I'm doing penance for whatever sins I've committed since my last confession (which are numerous, as I renounced Catholicism in high school.)

CrimeNotes said...

Fuckin' sissy boy.

copyranter said...

A-Men, from a relocated App. Trail hillbilly. (it once snowed 32 fucking straight days in my youth in the mountains of W. Va.

double entendre said...

You're smoking again?

winston said...

west side, bitches.