Paraphrased from an argument last night:
Flop: Fucker, if you could get text messages you would have known where we were.
Me: No, if I could get text messages I wouldn't have read your fucking text message because I would have been annoyed that someone sent me a text message.
Flop: Great. I'm sure that if you were a Roman, you would have refused to adopt those newfangled phalanxes.
Me: Didn't the Roman's have phalanxes?
Flop: No they didn't. That's why their empire collapsed.
Me: You huge asshole. The Romans had phalanxes. That's not why their empire collapsed.
Flop: Okay, fine, pick an empire that collapsed because it refused to adapt to new technology.
Me: The Romans rotted from within.
Flop: The Hittites!
Me: Fuck you and your Hittites.
Flop: Why did the Hittites collapse?
Me: Beats the hell out of me.
Flop: I'm pretty sure it's because they failed to adapt. Okay, well, pick a fallen empire that refused to adapt to technology, and that's you.
Me: Okay, the dinosaurs.
Flop: (sarcastic) Oh yes, the dinosaurs. Of course, the dinosaurs and their mighty mighty empire. And they were victims of what kind of technological failing exactly?
Me: They refused to develop a missile-defense shield that would deflect incoming asteroids.
Flop: The kind of great missile defense that George W. Bush is developing, right?
Me: Okay, the Aborigines probably didn't adapt to technology.
Flop: You're only saying that because they're black. What's next, are you going to blame the Iroquois for not having a smallpox vaccine at the ready?
Me: No, you motherfucker. But now that you mention it, the Indians died of smallpox, right?
Flop: That's right, asshole.
Me: Okay, and according to popular legend, the English gave them blankets infected with smallpox, correct?
Flop: Yes, you douche.
Me: So the problem wasn't refusing to adapt to technology, it was that they were too greedy in wanting to adapt to all of that new blanket technology. If the Iroquois had refused to accept the new cutting-edge blankets, no smallpox. Blankets were the text messages, and text messages are the smallpox, and wanting to have all of the new technology is what doomed them. I fucking win!
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6 comments:
i insist that you come to terms with text message technology before next football season.
This conversation would have been a lot better if it hadn't taken place on what will from now on be known as The Night Dempsey's Died.
Why, so I can get text messages saying, "Don't u miss Woodleyy & bRanch?" (That's not a bash on you, just on text messaging.)
And yeah, Dempsey's is dead to me.
Now I've got "The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down" stuck in my head.
Clearly, in my dreams tonight, Robert E. Lee will be jumping the USS Monitor on waterskis.
I really never ever expected to read about Hittites here or anywhere on any of the blogs I visit.
all of my text messages are grammatically correct, mofo. plus, there are things i need to say to you during a football game that would sound absolutely ridiculous left on a voicemail. just get the goddamn new phone already.
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