Thursday, June 28, 2007

You don't even want this bullshit


First, you're going to lose it. You're going to be drunk at a bar or in a cab, or at the airport, and it's going to slip out of your pocket or your backpack or your purse, and there go your $600 and a bunch of gadget pride. Losing your cellphone is no big deal. It happens to everybody and when you buy a plan the cost of the phone itself turns out to be a pittance. It's not a $600 investment and your prize possession.

Second, if you don't lose it, you'll waste time worrying about losing it. You'll keep reaching into your pocket to see if it's there. If you've got it in your coat pocket you'll freak for a half-second because it's not in your jeans pocket. And vice versa.

Third, you've already got a fucking cell phone, so relax.

Fourth, you've already got a fucking iPod, so relax. It cost half as much as the iPhone and it holds four times as many songs. I'd max out a stupid iPhone with my Neil Young albums alone. If you care enough about your music to have both an iPod and an iPhone, the memory won't cut it for you.

Fifth, unless you work in web design or some such bullshit, you don't need that much portable internet. You're already cluttered with too much bullshit information anyway, and that YouTube video of some spazzing dog chasing some spazzing chipmunk makes you worse as a human being. Shut that shit off once in awhile and act like a person.

Sixth, you probably have a fucking Blackberry already. If you don't, those fucking things are the worst. I keep mine out of the line of vision and use it for emergency work purposes only. If you have a fucking Blackberry you know goddamn well what I'm talking about. Why do you want to exacerbate that with your discretionary income? Utter bullshit.

Seventh, just because your one friend has it and talks about how amazing it is, that doesn't mean it's amazing. That means that he likes it as a status symbol. In New York we don't have cars and even rich people live in little apartments, so shit like this is how people our age show off. Your one friend who brags about all the features and conveniences is probably being sincere, but if you lived in Atlanta or Denver he'd be the guy rambling about his new BMW or Hummer.

Yesterday I was thinking that I'd buy one. It's all shiny and alluring and the commercial has quaint string music. Apple designs nice products. A visit to Tek-Serve is a thing of beauty, and I understand the temptation. I've bought three iPods for myself, given them to family as gifts, and have never owned a computer that isn't a Mac.

Then I realized that even considering the iPhone made me a sucker. This product is lame. It cobbles together stuff you have while suckering you into thinking you need a little more bullshit, bullshit that will eventually make you a more boring person.

And then you're just going to lose the stupid thing and walk around all pissed at yourself for a couple of days. At that point, you'll want to buy a new one because you'll think you've become dependent. If you don't buy a new one you'll feel weak. And then you'll be $1200 in the hole, and then you'll lose the new one eventually ("Fuck! What bar did I leave it at?") and then you'll get all angry all over again.

In conclusion, I'll probably own one by Labor Day.

11 comments:

Katyaflutes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Katyaflutes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Crunk Raconteur said...

Wow, two comments removed by CrimeNotes in response to this post already. You should never underestimate the virulence of Apple fans.

I agree with you fully, however. The iPhone is idiotic. I really think we should all cease encouraging Apple. I'm planning to start by boycotting "Live Free or Die Hard" due to its featuring noted Mac douche Justin Long (I also watch "Dodgeball" every time it's on TBS, which is a lot, just so I can see the scene where he gets his smarmy head bashed with a wrench).

Of course, my point is somewhat undermined by the fact that I am listening to my iPod while I write this.

CrimeNotes said...

I didn't remove the comments -- the writer deleted them before I even read them. (I'm not sure why. I saw them in the blog e-mail and they were prettty benign.) I think the only time I deleted comments was when a crazy dude left a dozen about wanting to fight me and shoot me, and the only reason those were deleted was because I didn't want someone else to reply and incite him more. It seemed like a situation where he might try to hijack every comments thread with death threats. So, he received a wholesale redaction.

I've also deleted a couple comments from friends who gave too much identifying information about this blog's proprietors. And I once deleted a double entendre comment because he was just being a dick, but I felt bad about that afterward.

Mr. Shain said...

those first two comments were from steve jobs threatening to kill you, again. then he read the end of your post and felt bad. i'd still watch my back if i were you.

Mr. Shain said...

p.s. my Hummer's f*cking awesome, yo.

dmbmeg said...

I saw my first siting on the train today from Long Island. It was pretty much like seeing Michael Jackson for the first time.

double entendre said...

good post. funny.

Midwesterner in NYC said...

I agree actually. I went through these same arguments in my head and the 8gig limit really got me on this. I mean I would still have to keep my Ipod as well so whats the point.

You give me a 60gig Iphone and we might have a deal.

Tommy O said...

8. "Apple has released what it will cost to replace the battery in the iPhone, and consumers might be a bit put off. Replacement is a tricky ordeal, as the battery is apparently soldered into the device. The service will cost $79, plus $6.95 for shipping, plus an optional $29 'loaner iPhone' rental."

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070705/ap_on_hi_te/apple_iphone

Why can't Apple get batteries right...ever?

Hellafied said...

I could have written this post. Although probably not as witty and sardonically. Nicely done.

However, the truth is, I own a Sidekick and I won't apologize for it.

If Playschool made a cell phone, I'd be all over that shit.