At Fiesole, Italy
1 Sistine Chapel vs. 16 Extension Cords
1 Sistine Chapel vs. 16 Extension Cords
Give a gay renaissance master a wide palette of color and one big-ass church ceiling. What do you get? Bible stories that feature an array of male full-frontal nudity and bushels of boobs to boot. Today that ceiling doubles as the world's most ornate tourist trap, and laggard, don't even think about sitting on the steps in there. Extension cords are simply outmatched. True, my apartment is functional only because of a variety of extension cords. Extension cords are good but they're no competition for world-renowned Bible-art-as-softcore-fantasia. Sistine Chapel 76, Extension Cord 43.
8 Wikipedia vs. 9 Wicker Furniture
Starter wicker chair fouled out during the summer months due to the discomfort that it causes to men with hairy legs as well as its poor napping attributes. Wikipedia's entries on NAMBLA and Anna Nicole Smith were ejected for technical fouls. Wikipedia 62, Wicker Furniture 51.
5 The Enlightenment vs. 12 Syracuse University
Alumnus Donovan McNabb and the 38-28 win over Michigan in 1998 were not enough to lift the Orangemen out of the red. The upstate New York university was felled by the Enlightenment's groundbreaking work in scientific method and skepticism of religion. The Enlightenment 65, Syracuse University 60.
4 Pint of Bass Ale vs. 13 Pair of Clean Socks
Bass Ale: the beer equivalent of burger and fries, my most reliable standby, available at any decent bar. Cheaper than Duvel and less sticky than Brooklyn Lager, more nourishing than Harp and simpler than Old Speckled Hen. It's the single indispensable beer. Clean socks always feel nice, but we've all recycled when the laundry runs out. I'd rather have ripe feet than patronize a bar without Bass. Pint of Bass Ale 74, Clean Pair of Socks 49.
At Windhoek, Namibia
6 Summer F. Sanders vs. 11 Hunter-Gatherers
Oh, hello hunter gatherers. Why yes, you were an essential step in the development of human societies. But tell me, did you really think that a group of people who were wiped out by agrarianism would be any match for Summer Fucking Sanders? Summer Fucking Sanders is agricultural settlement in a chlorinated pool -- as soon as she shows up, you might as well put down the spears and irrigate. You want subsistence? She catches fish with her bare fucking teeth. Not even close. Summer Fucking Sanders 84, Hunter-Gatherers 52.
3 Grand Theft Auto vs. 14 Estes Kefauver
Grand Theft Auto: the most god damn fun a person can have with something that plugs in. It allows a red-blooded young man to act out in a safe environment: solicit prostitutes, jump a motorcycle off a mountaintop, gamble, hijack planes and acquire residential property. The NCAA video-game football franchise is the tits as well, but gameplay there is inhibited by something known as "rules."
Unfortunately for Grand Theft Auto, the late Tennessee bad-ass Estes Kefauver singlehandedly destroyed organized crime. The Senator wasn't going to be scared if you got a haircut and chased a ho down the street with a chainsaw. Try that stunt around Estes Kefauver and there was only one game you could play: Grand Theft Giant Tennessee Boot Up Your Ass.
Grand Theft Auto, in a shocking upset, has met its match. Estes Kefauver 61, Grand Theft Auto 58.
7 Penicillin vs. 10 Contact Lenses
Gonorrhea victims, syphilics and meningitis survivors were dealt a harsh setback when their beloved serum was felled by the humble contact lens. Penicillin's far-reaching medical impact was no match for the aesthetic effect of the contact lens, which makes dorks like me look slightly less dorky. Contact Lenses 60, Penicillin 53.
2 Animal House vs. 15 Butter
In the Animal House cafeteria scene, John Belushi doesn't eat an entire stick of butter, but he could have. Fucking butter? There may be more undeserving seeds in this tournament, but none had the bad luck to go against the greatest movie comedy of all time. Animal House 98, Butter 12.