Sunday, March 25, 2007

Tournament of Everything Round 2: Devils Lake Region

At Fiesole, Italy
I swear this is the first Google Images result for Wikipedia.
1 Sistine Chapel vs. 8 Wikipedia
The Sistine Chapel is more than just a pretty ceiling, you know. It's got walls. And a floor. And parts where the roof is slanty and you're not sure if it's a wall or a ceiling. I guess you could tell by if it's painted or not. I like the Sistine Chapel. I've never been, but I've heard it's really nice. I've never been to Japan either, but I love Japanese history. I read about how the Jesuits helped some Japanese peasants rebel against their kings, or "shotguns" as they were called in Japan. It was beacuse the Jesuits converted them to Catholicism. The Jesuits were always tight with the Roman power structure, so they were kind of like the Pope's palace guard, except they also went out to convert heathers. Sistine Chapel 44, Wikipedia 28.
5 The Enlightenment vs. 4 Pint of Bass Ale
Well, let's see. The Enlightenment sure has taken a beating over the past six years or so, hasn't it? Global Warming and Evolution are highly controversial theories, on a par with the "Second Spitter." Science is just another brand name to slap on propaganda. The Constitution is just a game of Frogger to the Cheney administration. Yeah, the Enlightenment's lookin' real good. But then again, without it, George Bush could piss in a pint glass and tell you it was delicuous Bass Ale, and you'd have to believe it, because hey, who's to say? And then, as if you hadn't suffered enough indignity, some bunch of assholes would remind you what a great guy the dude who pissed your pint glass was, and how great he would be to be around while you drank his warm, strangely hoppy, urine. And because you'd have no recourse to emprical facts, you'd drink it and never be able to imagine a day when things like liberty, freedom and truth were more than just cudgels and cruel jokes. The Enlightenment 86, Pint of Bass Ale 76.

At Windhoek, Namibia

6 Summer F. Sanders vs. 14 Estes Kefauver
Sweet lawdamercy, if this isn't he most towering tilt in all of tournamentdom, I'll go to a habderdashery, purchase myself a fine felt homburg and then eat that hat of mine which I had recently just purchased, all to prove my point. That point being, that this is one hell of a matchup. Almost worthy of the title game. Almost, but not quite. Because someone's going home today.
On one side, you have a dispenser of Giant Tennessee Boost Up Your Ass. A crusader for civil rights, a friend of working Americans and a foe to exploitative, monopolistic business. On the other side, you have not only the most astounding physique and cardiovascular system ever encased in lycra (circa 1992), but also the foxiest. Back in that day, a more innocent time, Summer Fucking Sanders peered out of the pages of Sports Illustrated into my teenaged heart and made it thump. Estes Kefauver, no matter how many trusts he busts, no matter how many would-be Enrons are stamped out by that Giant Tennessee Boot, could never have done that.
But, hey. Bareclona was a long time ago Miss Fucking Sanders. Those tan muscles don't ripple quite so seductively anymore, do they? Those chlorine bleached lashes no longer flutter for me. And who watches NBA Inside Stuff? Not I And anyway, if Natalie Coughlin -- make that Natalie Fucking Coughlin -- could travel in time back to the early 1990s and challenge you to a race, she'd be listening to Nirvana tapes on her Walkman Sport and sipping Nestea in a chaise longue before you even did your last flip turn. Summer Sanders, I'm so over you. Estes Kefauver 87, Summer F. Sanders 70.

10 Contact Lenses vs. 2 Animal House
I'm not in anything resembling good physical shape. I've got fucked-up sinuses. My lower teeth are a bit wonky from that time I went over my handlebars and landed on my face. If I ever appeared on Jeopardy! I'd list my interests as eating, hooting, and blogging. I've got an ugly scar on the front of one of my shins. But goddamn if I don't have awesome vision. I'm the first one to make out signs on the highway. If I want to make a recipe I found online, I just put the laptop up on the counter, safely out of the way and I can read it fine from over here by the stove. On the subway, I don't have to lean to read over someone's shoulder _ not even when they're on an express and I'm on the local. When I was a kid, my eye doctor called me "Eagle Eyes." I think I have 20/(minus 20) vision. Yeah, yeahg, I know it won't last my whole life. I know someday, I'll probably need reading glasses. I might even need contacts one day _ they're a hell of an invention. But even so, I'm a sucker for girls who wear glasses. But until then, I'm watching Animal House on your 19-inch Toshiba ... from five blocks away!!!1!!1!! Animal House 68, Contact Lenses 52.

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