I believe that our young white Texans will lead us to a new era of happiness and prosperity

Take it away, RyanMallett.org:

Ryan Mallett is a drop back passer with arguably the nation’s strongest arm. When Ryan Mallett sets his feet he can throw with unreal velocity. Sometimes, he’s all arm and tends to forget some fundamentals. Ryan Mallett shows good accuracy. Ryan Mallett arm allows him to make those hard throws over the middle look so easy. Ryan Mallett throws the deep ball with good touch. At 6-6, Ryan Mallett shows good mobility and he makes good decisions with the football.

In addition, Ryan Mallett arm is so accurate that doctors trust Ryan Mallett to insert heart stents using only his arm and a little artery-sized football. Sometimes, he's all leg and tends to lumber into the end zone like the Jolly White Giant at speedwalking club.

Susan Sarandon taught Ryan Mallett to wear garters. Susan Sarandon like Ryan Mallett for the sex. Chad Henne is the one she truly loves.

Also, Sam McGuffie? He only wants to be with us. Detroit Free Press says:

McGuffie, who plays at Cypress (Texas) Cy-Fair High, said he's still 100% committed to playing for the Wolverines.

"Definitely," McGuffie told the Free Press before the game. "This is where I needed to be. It's kind of simple."

***

Standing on the field during pregame warm-ups, McGuffie took it all in.

"I love the campus," he said. "It's beautiful. It's perfect."

One more time, for good measure and all-around happiness:

Bonus Round

University of Michigan Provost Teresa Sullivan and her husband, renowned legal scholar Douglas Laycock (author of "Introduction: International Litigation Symposium Honoring the Distinguished Career of Professor Russell J. Weintraub." Tex. Int'l L.J. 38, no. 1 (2003): 1-10) relocated to Michigan after long and impressive careers at the University of Texas.

Sources close to the program credit Provost Sullivan for Michigan's success in recruiting white Texans.

Suck it, Charlie Weis.