It's feeding time!

The CBS world premiere movie "Vampire Bats" is about to start, and since the only other TV option at this moment involves three dim-bulb gentlemen jabbering overexcitedly while a football game occurs in the background, I'm sold. Here we go:

The protagonists seem to be three outsider-y students, two goofy dudes and one improbably hot girl. They are invited to a party at which the only beverage is punch of indeterminate origins. One of the guys get drunk and wanders off into the underbrush. He pauses, and the flutter of leathery wings can be heard amid the crickets. He trips and falls into a mud puddle and then we hear his screams. Damn.

Now we're introduced to Lucy Lawless. She's a professor. As is her husband. They have two young children and each has a class to teach in an hour. Despite having presumably earned terminal degress in their fields, neither has arranged for a sitter. This may prove important later, but if not, it's an excuse to point out that the actress playing the kids' aunt used to be on Grace Under Fire or some shit. Glad to see she's gettting work.

But no time to dwell on that. A dead deer has turned up on the edge of town. One cop wants to report it, but the other one assures him he'll take care of it. But then we see him dousing the carcass with gasoline. Something is so totally up. Then the Scottish guy who took over for Howard Hesseman on "Head of The Class" goes fishing on the bayou at night. I have to say, so far, this movie is kicking ass at dredging up actors I haven't thought of in like forever. Of course, soon after we meet good old Billy, the bats set upon him like a giant pint of McEwan's and that's the end of that. Speaking of, a six-pack of High Life is calling my name from the fridge.

Three other students run into each other on campus, and one of them wants to hold another "underground" party like the first one, but down in the campus steam tunnels. Ominous.

Things get even more ominouser when the boat containing a kicked Scottish Billy washes up in the canal behind Xena's house. The game warden shows up and mentions that some deer have died mysteriously. Xena so totally wants them to alert the public, but the mayor or college president or whoever it is wants to keep the beaches open for the Fourth of July. OK, I admit I got distracted because, as I'm typing this, a drunk and pretty female student is undressing and going to sleep on top of her covers ... with the window open! No! Don't do it!

OK, 48 minutes in, we finally see our first bat. The little bastards swarm out from below a dock while Prof. Xena and her husband are at a school function on a riverboat. Meanwhile, undergrads party in the steam tunnels, but over their heads we can see ... ZILLIONS OF FUCKING BATS!!!!!! Oh shit! It's on now!

The action cuts back and forth to depict what has to be the worst nightmare of any university administrator: Simultaneous vampire bat attacks. Xena herds the boat passengers belowdecks while the undergrads bolt from their party spot, and the rout is on. Xena gives a look of grim determination out a window on the boat and we go to commercial. I have to admit, from here on out I was pretty bored and distracted so if the narrative breaks down, it's because I got bored and disinterested. I was checking the football score, surfing the net, reading the paper, etc. But I'm not giving up now.

Anyway, the petulant, dismissive mayor of the town looks a lot like President Bush. He wants to poison the bats and Xena wants to study the root cause of the bat attacks. Before we can consider the subtle allegorical imperatives, the pretty student from earlier foams at the mouth and passes out in class. Turns out she's got the hydrophoby.

Then Grace Under Fire sees a suspicious character at a local lunch spot dining with the mayor. Xena then goes out to catch bats, and her students come with her.

And we find out that these aren't just vampire bats ... they're MUTANT VAMPIRE BATS! HOLY SHIT! And a waste-disposal facility on the edge of town seems to be the culprit. Could it be illegally burning toxic waste? I'm going to guess that ... yes, yes they are. Now they're actually seeing poisonous goo come out of a pipe, in case anyone out there didn't connect the dots.

The students in the lab put on some club music. But it upsets the bats! They throw themselves against the side of the cage in rage. At least they have taste. There's another random attack on some skinny-dipping students, but the girl holds her breath and stays underwater in the pool while the bats drink their fill of her would-be hookup. And then Xena's talking to someone about her toxic waste theory. And then that busybody, Grace Under Fire, interjects with her news about seeing the waste-management guy at lunch with the mayor. Everything is coming into place, isn't it?

Xena's students have concocted a way to control the bats by playing different kinds of club music. After we tie up some loose threads (turns out the mayor was just meeting with a whistle blower over at the plant, not taking bribes. Uh, I think.), we're down in the steam tunnels getting ready to deal with the rest of the bats. But the crooked game warden handcuffs Xena to a pipe and leaves her in there while the bats are drawn in by the speakers. Will she be able to, oh, I don't know, trip the crooked game warden, take his handcuff keys and free herself in time for a dramatic dash to freedom while being chased by a horde of bats? Well, you'll have to get the DVD to find out, because I'm not going to ruin the ending.

All in all, this was a pretty damn lousy movie, although usually in an enjoyably cheesy way. The characters were like cardboard cutouts, but then again, that's all I expected. It's a hell of a project when the most talented actress by far is Lucy Lawless. The dialogue was wooden and forced, sometimes laughably so. Of course, one memorable line sticks in my head.

Lawless was examining some material on the shirt of one of the bats' initial victims. She picked it up, eyed it and pronounced: "It's guano."

Yes, it was. That said, if I can find it on DVD, I'm totally screening it at the next monkey-clap dance party. It'll be perfect for when the player piano in Crimenotes' apartment breaks down again, as it is wont to do.