Sunday, August 05, 2007

In praise of lead poisoning

It would have been good for me to have had lead poisoning as a child.

I had a bunch of Matchbox Cars. When I was a little kid -- like three or four -- I put them in my mouth and whatnot. Just one of those fucking things. Kids stick toys in their mouths.

Now there's a Hasbro recall on lead-tainted toys, and for most kids, that's a good thing. Most kids are halfwits, and because of lead poisoning, those kids grow up to be that much dumber. As adults, they are labeled "soccer fan" and "Republican."

Myself, I would have benefited from lead poisoning. I like to imagine how awesome it would be if I were just another tall, cool, handsome dude who could skip his ass all over town and not get annoyed during tickle parties. Sadly, I'm a fucking genius, so when I go to tickle parties I stand there thinking about foreign policy and whose tickle is the best analogy to the Algeciras Treaty.

I wish I had lead poisoning as a kid, so that I wouldn't be cursed with a brain that makes me think about such things. In the event that I suffered lead poisoning, I'm grateful for it, because it kept me from being that much smarter, and worrying about these things even more.


dmbmeg said...

The things I put in my mouth make me thing about other things besides the Algeciras Treaty.

What's the matter Crimenotes? Bad weekend? It's been far too long. I need to dumb you down again.

Mr. Shain said...

this is all very freudian.

i love foreign policy, mmm... foreign...

crimenotes said...

It was a very, very difficult weekend. No parties, no tickle parties. I want to go eat a bunch of lead.

Cock D said...

"'soccer fan' and 'Republican'"???!?!?!

Now that's not fair to soccer fans.

dmbmeg said...

poor little CrimeNotes-

he flips out when he doesn't have someone to make fun of for 24 hours.

evil girl said...

ass fucking.

dmbmeg said...


blythe said...

lead poisoning isn't as fun as it looks. trust me. however, mercury poisoning? fucking fantastic.

crimenotes said...

Cock D: I like saying harsh things about soccer. It's a standing practice. You apparently weren't around for the World Cup, when every fifth post had a title like, "American soccer fans: Retarded, or sexually confused?"

dmbmbeg: Both someone to make fun of and someone ridiculing me. It's a two-way street, you see.

evil girl: Tell me about it. Why aren't you commenting as much? Low post quality? dmbmeg and her minions?

dmbmeg II: Tell me about it.

blythe: I had mercury for lunch today!