Monday, August 06, 2007

See, it's only a temporary abrogation of liberty

The Democrats who voted to expand the executive branch's power to eavesdrop and spy on communications not only made America safer, they insulated themselves from future charges that they're weak on terror. Forever.

And besides, it's only for six months. The brilliance of it is that by handing the George W. Bush White House the kind of power that gives Nixonites the kind of boners you hear about only in commercials, they can now pursue all those ninnyish policies they just can't help themselves for pursuing -- like restoring Habeas rights, closing Guantanamo Bay, and outlawing torture. And Iraq, too. And once those six months are over, we get our liberty back! Freedom is so totally going to be on the march at some point between now and February of '08!

I know everyone's kind of gobsmacked at the utter fear and cowardice the Democrats showed on this issue, but it's really a brilliant piece of statecraft and people should shut up. There's a time to speak out and a time to be silent and trust our leaders. We've got 16 months until the presidential election, and not one Republican will be able to credibly say that Democrats are weak on terrorism ever again. I can see it now:

"Our nation faces an increased threat of a terrorist attack. Democrats have taken measures to protect Americans and have not ignored any threats to the homeland whatsoever." Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio.

"Our country is now much less likely to be attacked by terrorists due to the actions of our leadership across the aisle." Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Tenn.

"There will be no disaster on this doorstep, homes." Sen. Trent Lott (R-Miss.)

"Look, psychoanalysis simply does not work with Islamic terrorists. I should know, I was mayor of New York when we were hit on September the 11th. Of course, it would be unfair of me to say that Senator Obama is soft on terrorism, because so many of his fellow Democrats have shown their resolve, even if he made some faggoty noises about liberty or some shit. It's cool." Rudy Giuliani, Republican presidential candidate.

Hey! You promised you wouldn't call us that anymore!

This Date in Slawgust, bitches (And a happy independence day to our readers in either of Bolivia's capital cities or high(er) in the Andes. ¡Feliz cumpleanos a ti, Bolivia!):

1809 Alfred Tennyson is born. (Slawgust is totally poet time.) I was going to make a comment here about him having the middle name "Lord" when I really know he was made a peer, and then watch people decide in the comments whether I'm kidding or really that stupid. But nah, I don't feel like it.

1843 Soup magnate Jos. Campbell comes across some old recipes in a chiffarobe and gives them to his wife, Ophelia. He sells it at his dry-goods store in Bucks County, Pa., and it's a hit. You didn't know Campbell's comes from Philadelphia? Why do you think Donovan McNabb is their spokesslurper?

1988 The Tompkins Square Park riots kick off. I remember 1988 being an unusually hot summer, so I'm sure the heat was to blame for some of this as well.

2001 President Bush receives a briefing entitled Bin Laden Determined to Strike In United States. It makes an awesome coaster for that lemonade he likes to drink out of the tall glasses after brush clearing is done for the day.

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