Thursday, August 02, 2007

Slawgust rolls on

As Slawgust picks up steam, some rules will emerge from the chaos. One already has. If we can note a significant event involving the letter Æ, we totally will. And you'll see that down where we discuss important things that have happened on This Date in Slawgust.

Before that, we would like to extend our sincerest wishes for a happy 30th birthday to Her Majesty, the Queen of 2005. I was lucky enough to attend the royal bash in the West Village earlier, although a work situation prompted my early departure. I was harshly, though deservedly, catcalled. One colleague even pointed out that she would be drinking more than I did, staying up later and going in to work earlier. She will henceforth known as Ol' Ironliver, possessed of the U.S.S. Constitution of metabolic pathways.

I was far more upset to have been gently upbraided by Her Majesty. Chastened, I shall resolve to drunkenly carry on until all hours at the next opportunity. Chastened, I have no stomach for further posting, and shall proceed to This Date in Slawgust.

On August 2, 924, Ælfweard, King of Wessex died. (See, I told you we'd work these in.) It is not known who immediately succeeded him. (1,010 years later, Paul von Hindenburg died. His successor is known.)

On TDiS 1776, The Declaration of Independence was signed. July 4 was just when it was adopted by the Continental Congress. In honor of this fact, we will be doing our traditional Great Americans post later this month.

In 1982, Grady Sizemore was born. He would go on to become a future star center fielder for the Cleveland Indians and invade the seuxal fantasies of every heterosexual woman and gay man in Northeast Ohio, along with those of approximately 72 percent of the rest of the population. His raw sexuality rubs off on anyone who attends Indians games, meaning guys find themselves unaccountably attractive to women up to 24 hours later. Nine months after he makes one of his trademark diving catches, births in the Greater Cleveland area spike more than 400 percent. Female fans arriving at Jacobs are discreetly quizzed as to their birth-control measures and if they profess to not be taking any, are quietly directed to the upper decks, as far from center field and the plate _ and Sizemore's raw sexuality _ as possible. Unless, of course, they want to conceive and bear the Infanta of dreamboat baseball players just by getting too close to him.

Caution: Fans seated in the first eight rows may become pregnant.

3 comments:

Mr. Shain said...

this is what happens when you alienate your fan base. [silence]

voidoid said...

So Flop has a man-crush on both Brady Quinn and Grady Sizemore?

Todd said...

I have a Mrs. Sizemore T-shirt. Well, not really, but I do have Grady wet dreams.