Monday, May 09, 2005

How wedgies turn Brad into Miguel Estrada

Like all reasonable people, I've been a fan of Real World and Road Rules since they first premiered. Here is real-time summary of tonight's episode of Inferno II.

Clubbin' time. "Everybody's swappin' lips and smackin' bellies," Darrell observes. Only now, everybody's screechin' in a mini-van. Brad gets a wedgie from Mike, and spazzes. He attacks cars. Holy Christ, the wedgie is the RR/RW equivalent of filibustering judicial nominees. "You know what, don't ever put your [expletive deleted] hands on my underwear," Brad says, making him the Miguel Estrada of this metaphor.

This week's challenge involves "some sweet-lookin' hot rods" and a perilous arrangement of glassware. (Senate Judiciary Committee) They're going to drag race, but they have to stop before they ram into margarita glasses. Brad is still flipping out about his wedgie. "I don't like rippin' people's underwear," he spazzes in an interview. By now I feel like giving a wedgie is a principled act. C.T. busts the clutch or something. They take turns driving the remaining operable sweet-lookin' hot rod. Landon errs, and crashes into the margarita glasses, like he's Priscilla Owen.

Mike "The Miz" gets the fastest race time and wins the lifeshield. He doesn't have to face Abe in the Inferno. (Remind you of William Pryor's recess appointment?) The three remaining good guys pick out of a hat to decide who will face Abe. It's Brad, the wedgie victim. Host Dave Mirra predicts that this "will be the most intense Inferno yet." Rachel, who I previously condemned in a Sunday Styles crit, views this as "the biggest Inferno yet." It's some homemade sport that combines football and basketball. I say, big deal. In fourth grade, all the neighborhood kids and our dogs used to play a game like this, and it usually ended with a bloody nose and somebody's mom making us all go home. Abram makes three points. Brad goes on offense. He makes two points. Abe wins. In an interview, Tina makes unattractive facial gestures and brags. She is not gracious. Now Darrell flips out, calls Abe a poodle or something. Some lady is crying. They recognize Brad as one of their best players.

Off he stalks, like so much Miguel Estrada, filibustered by wedgie and Abram. And man, Gwen Stefani has an annoying song. Who can listen to that stuff?

2 comments:

Flop said...

I just want to say that I think the loss of Brad isn't as serious as people think it is. He was dumber than treebark and I'm hard pressed to see his contributions beyond being athletic and male. If I were a sportswriter, I'd make some silly crack about his lack of heart, as evinced in that (stirring) inferno. Did anyone notice how he apparently tried to make a skyhook when Abe stood him up on the first ball? No? Just me then? And yes, he had a chance to tie it, but missed the basket.

CrimeNotes said...

Yeah, I don't think Brad is a loss to anyone, especially after his behavior over the wedgie.